House of Burgess

"Both parties deprecated war; but one of them would make war rather than let the nation survive; and the other would accept war rather than let it perish. And the war came."
- Abraham Lincoln, Second Inaugural Address, March 4, 1865.

Chuck Norris wants Texas to secede from the United States of America so he can become its president.
That is not a joke I heard or made up. It is very real.
“On Glenn Beck’s radio show last week, I quipped in response to our wayward federal government, ‘I may run for president of Texas.’” wrote Norris on last month on the Web site “World Net Daily.” “That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state.”
That alone might not be enough to make anything more than make a blip on the odd news radar, but apparently the current head of the state isn’t ruling out the idea.
“Gov. Rick Perry fired up an anti-tax ‘tea party’ (April 15) with his stance against the federal government and for states’ rights as some in his U.S. flag-waving audience shouted, ‘Secede!’,” stated a portion of an Associated Press story. “An animated Perry told the crowd at Austin City Hall -- one of three tea parties he was attending across the state -- that officials in Washington have abandoned the country's founding principles of limited government. He said the federal government is strangling Americans with taxation, spending and debt...Later, answering news reporters’ questions, Perry suggested Texans might at some point get so fed up they would want to secede from the union, though he said he sees no reason why Texas should do that.
“There's a lot of different scenarios,” Perry said. “We've got a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that. But Texas is a very unique place, and we're a pretty independent lot to boot.”
Really? Then go on and do something then. Please. I’d love to see you try. Keep talking greasy. We’ll make like Honest Abe and school you to what it means to be a part of the Union like it’s 1865 up in here. It’ll be a grand time.
I double, nay, triple dog dare you.
Don’t believe me? Then consider the prophetic words of another Texas governor, one Sam Houston.
“Let me tell you what is coming,” he said in 1860. “After the sacrifice of countless millions of treasure and hundreds of thousands of lives you may win Southern independence, but I doubt it. The North is determined to preserve this Union.”
What’s really appalling to me is how this kind of talk went out and everyone on both sides of political spectrum didn’t immediately call them out on their frankly treasonous comments. Sure, a group of Texas House Democrats, including Democratic Rep. Jim Dunnam of Waco, called the comments anti-American, but where, oh where, are those über-“patriotic” countrymen who would, and have before, just as soon have chanted “USA! USA! USA!” until any dissent was drowned out on this one?
And another thing: I clearly remember the firestorm of faux-outrage that would errupt every time an entertainer would reportedly threaten to move if a certain candidate won the election.
“Before the election actor Robert Redford said if Bush won, he’d leave the country for Ireland,” wrote Corey Deitz on the Web site “About.com” on Nov. 17, 2004. “Well, syndicated talker, Glenn Beck, has raised over $7,000 and purchased airline tickets for him for a December flight. Beck’s website says, ‘We realized after we started this fund raiser that we didn't have a way to contact Robert Redford with the good news about his plane tickets. So we are now collecting additional funds to purchase a full page advertisement in his home town news paper, the Provo Daily Herald.’”
Sheesh. Imagine what would have happened if Redford had threatened to take Utah with him?
They couldn’t have gotten their torches and pitchforks together fast enough, that’s what would have happened.
What I love about my country is that we don’t have to share each others values to live here. In fact, that’s fundamentally the only thing we have to agree on.
And if the future president of Norrisland and anyone else have a problem with that, we’ll have it their way...again.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If you’re like me, every glance at the headlines this past week was just one more stomach-turning journey to terror and back.
Layoffs, water shortages, IOUs coming from the state: it just didn’t seem to end, didn’t it?
But I have hope. I have hope because I saw the following story on the wire in the midst of my despair:
“A Boca Raton, Fla. couple got a new dog, and it's just like their old dog,” stated a portion of the Associated Press story released Thursday. “Not just the same breed and gender, but the same DNA. Nina and Edgar Otto picked up their cloned yellow lab puppy at the Miami International Airport Monday night. Lancelot Encore was cloned from the DNA of the Ottos' late dog Lancelot, which died of cancer in January 2008.”
And why does this give me hope? Keep reading:
“Guessing that pet cloning would one day be possible, the Ottos had DNA samples of their dog frozen five years ago,” stated the story. “The Ottos paid $155,000 in a San Francisco biotech firm's dog-cloning auction last July. BioArts International created Lancelot Encore in South Korea, where he was born 10 weeks ago. The Ottos say he's the first single-birth, commercially cloned puppy in the United States.”
The fact that people are still willing to pay for completely non-essential items like cloned pets signals to me that we may make it out of this thing yet. Say what you want about the Great Depression, even if they had the technology to clone I doubt people would have stepped out of the bread lines long enough to even think about throwing money at such things.
But in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s economic downturn? You’d better believe they’d be cloning things left and right if they got their glittery hands on that technology. And that’s what I feel like we’re going through right now.
And just when I thought this story was the exception that proved the rule, I found out the next day that Fender Guitars has released a new series of “Road Worn” guitars. The part of this equation that caught my attention was the fact that Fender was banking on the fact that people would be willing to throw down extra money to have their new guitars look like someone had played the stuffing out of them.
“Some things get better with age and Fender knows it,” read the product’s description on the Web site proguitarshop.com. “That’s why we are proud to introduce the new Fender Road Worn Guitars for 2009. These guitars are perfectly aged for that broken in feel and look. The vibe from these guitars is unmistakably cool like that old Chevy Nova parked in the garage. The Fender Road Worn guitars look, feel, and play like they have been on stage for 40 years with fretboard wear, arm wear on the finish, and aged hardware and pickups. Pick one up and it feels like your best friend.”
Why bother actually putting in the work required to make the instrument look worn when you can buy your new best friend pre-damaged? Win-win, right?
“When your fingers come to rest on the strings they feel like they have been there for years,” the description continues. “Every detail and nuance of the Road Worn guitars is reminiscent of the bygone days when rock was rock and scars were proudly displayed as a badge of experience...The Fender Road Worn guitars are lovingly distressed (aged) in order to create a guitar with a particular vibe and feel. Sometimes a brand new guitar just doesn’t sound or feel right until it’s had a beer spilled on it or has been dropped on the floor.”
Yes, we are still America where sometimes we want our new products to look like they’ve been used even when buying something that’s actually pre-owned might be cheaper and have actual blemishes.
See? It can’t be all bad!
On the off chance that those two pieces of information don’t cheer you up, here’s something I just read today in a Fortune Magazine story entitled “Crisis into opportunity” in which management guru Jim Collins explains why now is no time for self-pity.
“I don't care how hard this period is,” reads the last line of the interview. “You have to have the combination of believing that you will prevail, that you will get out of this, but also not be the Pollyanna who ignores the brutal facts. You have to say that we will be in this for a long time and we will turn this into a defining event, a big catalyst to make ourselves a much stronger enterprise. Our characters are being forged in a burning, searing crucible.”

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

A long time ago on this very blog, I suggested that we as a country institute mandatory newspaper subscriptions for everyone in the country with a net, after-tax income of $30,000 a year.
Now, after seeing the following story today, I feel somewhat vindicated:

French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced on Friday that France will offer free newspaper subscriptions to teens, in an effort to increase readership among the young and give a boost to the ailing print industry.

Sarkozy plans to offer French citizens who have just turned 18 their pick of any of the nation’s major news publications for a year; the publishers will provide the papers, and the state will absorb delivery fees.

The measure is intended to encourage young people to embrace print. In a speech to publishers Sarkozy asserted, “The habit of reading the press is learned very young.” The French president hopes the move will give falling newspaper sales a boost and give the industry time to adapt to the “changing media landscape,” according to the Associated Press. The government is also increasing its support of delivery fees and will spend more on newspaper advertisements.

Some are skeptical of Sarkozy’s motives, citing his personal ties to the media industry. In France, he is known as the “télé-président” because of his preoccupation with how he is portrayed publicly, as well as his apparent influence over certain media sectors.

In October, Sarkozy launched a crusade to save the French press, which included loosening restrictions on ownership. At the time, he was criticized for attempting to curry favor with the media giants such as the CEO of France’s largest private TV channel, who happens to be Sarkozy's close friend.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

As I watched the inaugural parade make its slow drive from the steps of Congress to the White House on Tuesday, I saw that I had a new voicemail on my cell phone.
“Hey Rob,” I heard my Dad’s voice say as I pressed the device to my head. “I wanted to know why we had to say at the coronation of King Obama, ‘long live the King.’ I don’t understand. Thanks. Bye.”
Later, when I called him back he had some more questions.
“I always thought Jesus would come back, but can you tell me why he decided to take the train when he did?” he asked sarcastically, referring to President Barack Hussein Obama’s one-day “whistle stop” inaugural train journey from Philadelphia to the U.S. capital.
My spidey-sense tells me that many other conservatives besides my father feel this way. All the stars of stage and screen in addition to a crowd of up to 2 million people gathered to witness the ceremony to much fanfare. Compare that with the protests and egg-throwings at the last two Bush swearing-in ceremonies and some hurt feelings on the other side of the aisle are inevitable.
In an effort to to soothe some of those raw nerves, here’s a few excerpts from Obama’s speech that should give every American cause for celebration. (And not just because we have a Democrat in office and not just because our new president is the first mixed-race leader we’ve ever had):
“As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals.”
Sweeping declarations, lip service and bluster have become a hallmark of inaugural speeches. This fact is made evident by a simple scanning of previous addresses. Presidents of yore seemed compelled to recount the finer points of their policies in excruciating detail and then some.
For example, President #9, William Henry Harrison spat out snore-worthy sentences like:
“If the opinion of the most approved writers upon that species of mixed government which in modern Europe is termed monarchy in contradistinction to despotism is correct, there was wanting no other addition to the powers of our Chief Magistrate to stamp a monarchical character on our Government but the control of the public finances.”
His address, delivered in a snow storm, ran for an hour and forty-five minutes and ended up killing him as he was felled by pneumonia a month later.
In effort to be remembered for more than just dying from inflammatory illnesses of the lung, recent presidents have learned to deliver punchy one-liners that soar high above things like detail and explanation. These generalities often prove meaningless as soon as they actually begin their terms, with some seemingly on a mission to systematically pull apart every promise they made after reciting the oath.
Obama, though, proved true to his word on this point. After only 24 hours in office he issued an order to “close the Guantanamo prison, ban torture and upend Bush administration polices on terror suspects,” according to the Associated Press.
Three cheers for habeas corpus!
“We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers.”
During the holiday seasons of the last decade we’ve known each other, my old college roommate will often complain to me that there aren’t any holidays that allow atheists like him to celebrate on a federally-recognized basis.
“How can you ask people to celebrate the belief in nothing?” I would ask him without fail every December.
“That’s not the point,” he’ll say. “It’s not fair.”
Well, Jonathan, we’re not there, yet, but the above quote represents a good start.
True, Obama picked Rev. Rick Warren to deliver his innaugural invocation and he himself quoted scripture in his address.
But at least giving a shout-out to the approximately 52 percent of the world population that adheres to Islam, Judaism, Hinduism or non-religious beliefs has already gone a long way to repairing some bridges.
“This crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control - and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous.”
Taken alongside recent presidents and contenders for the job, Obama looks downright poor:
• According to Bush’s tax returns for the year 2007, his net worth was recorded as high as $19,374,000.
• Hillary Clinton, former first lady and Obama rival turned newly minted secretary of state, reported a 2007 net worth of up to $51,216,999.
• Bush’s last opponent for office, Sen. John Forbes Kerry, reported a net worth in 2004 that ranged anywhere between $236,689,485 to $312,460,164, making him the richest senator that year.
• Sen. John McCain, Obama’s Republican rival for the White House, had...oh, why do I even need to bother? (The man couldn’t even remember how many houses he owned.)
• Obama, meanwhile, reported a relatively modest personal net worth of between $2,022,016 to $7,356,000 in 2007, a fraction of what the average senator reported that year.
Having someone in office who has not made their life’s goal to amass as much money as possible before expiring is critical in a time when, according to one report, the richest 2 percent of adults in the world now own more than half the world’s wealth. (And counting.)
“We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost.”
Do my ears deceive me? Did he just say...Yes, he did! He said the word “science”! We have a president who believes in science! USA! USA! USA!
“The world has changed, and we must change with it.”
Amen.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 04:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

After watching his stirring inauguration speech, I found this story on the McClatchy News Service blog:

Oops, Obama makes first presidential mistake Oops. Just seconds into his term, President Barack Obama made a mistake about the history of his new office. In the second paragraph of his inaugural address, Obama said, “Forty four Americans have now taken the presidential oath.” Sorry. While Obama IS the 44th president, he is actually only the 43rd American to take the oath. Grover Cleveland served two non-consecutive terms. He is counted as the 22nd president, serving from 1885 to 1889. He won back theoffice four years later, and is counted also as the 24th president, serving again from 1893-1897. Two presidents – but one American.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 03:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

“I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.”
- President George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008.
While cruising around on the Internets one day I happened upon a Wikipedia article entitled “Criticisms of George W. Bush.”
Among other items of interest, the page contained the following passage pertaining to the historical view of the Bush White House:
In 2008, the History News Network conducted an unscientific poll among 109 professional historians. That poll found that, among those professional historians, 98 percent believe that the George W. Bush presidency is a failure, and that 61 percent believe it to be the worst in history. This quote from one of the respondents is an example of historians’ reasons for the low ranking:
“No individual president can compare to the second Bush. Glib, contemptuous, ignorant, incurious, a dupe of anyone who humors his deluded belief in his heroic self, he has bankrupted the country with his disastrous war and his tax breaks for the rich, trampled on the Bill of Rights, appointed foxes in every henhouse, compounded the terrorist threat, turned a blind eye to torture and corruption and a looming ecological disaster, and squandered the rest of the world’s goodwill. In short, no other president’s faults have had so deleterious an effect on not only the country but the world at large.”
Even as I nod my head in agreement at everything you just read, and as appalled as I’ve been about the direction our country has headed in over the last eight years, some small part of me will miss George W. Bush.
I’m sure that part of this feeling might have to do with familiarity. When Bush was first sworn in on that rainy Jan. 20, 2001, I was 17-years-old and was just starting my final semester at Mitchell High School in Mitchell, Ind. Eight years later, that seems like a lifetime away. And when you add his father’s term in office to the mix, it all adds up to just under half my entire life my president’s name has been a four letter word normally used to define shrubbery.
But I’m inclined to think it goes deeper than that.
As our President Elect Barack Obama said in an interview with CNN on Friday, “ (I) always thought he was a good guy.”
Not only does he seem like some congenial middle manager you’ve already meet a thousand times at your local sports bar, he’s also self-deprecating and occasionally pretty funny, which I appreciate.
“Being able to laugh at yourself is a rare quality in a leader,” wrote Jacob Weisberg in his Jan. 12 Slate Magazine article “W.’s Greatest Hits.” “It’s one thing George W. Bush can do that Bill Clinton couldn’t.”
Perhaps we’ve misunderestimated Dubya.
Who else had the audacity to ask: “Is our children learning?” Who else alerted us to the growing epidemic of OB/GYNs who “aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country?”
I mean, the man knows “how hard it is for you to put food on your family” for pity’s sake.
His experimental jazz take on the English language aside, I think the moment my heart actually went out to the self-proclaimed “war president” was on May 1, 2003.
As Bush, in full flight suit costume, landed on the deck of the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln underneath the giant red, white and blue “Mission Accomplished” banner, I am positive I know what what was going through his head.
He wanted his President Whitmore-flies-plane-against-the-aliens scene from the end of the movie “Independence Day.”
He wanted his Gen. Douglas MacArthur “I have returned” speech.
In short, he wanted his moment.
And, really, who can blame him? Who doesn’t want at least once in their life to announce your great victory to the world in full costume while your troops cheer wildly around you?
But, sadly, as we all know, the great victory speech turned out to be a bit premature.
I guess I can’t feel too bad for Bush, though. According to an Associated Press article published Thursday, “he'll receive a pension of almost $200,000 to tide him over in his first year of retirement in his new home in Dallas.”
And he won’t just have his gigantic golden parachute to help ease the transition, he’ll also have his family, whom he thanked in the first three paragraphs of his farewell speech, the completion of his memoirs and his (sure to be chock-full of truthiness) presidential library at Southern Methodist University.
Honestly, though, I hope he does get to relax and spend some more time with family, because after all, as he himself once said, that’s “where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”

Posted by Rob Burgess at 12:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I was reading some wire stories this morning and I stumbled across this otherwise innocuous story about a new television starring Amy Poehler. See if you can guess why my heart skipped a beat as I read through the description:

Amy Poehler and Greg Daniels Talk About New Series And no, it still doesn't have a name. by Matt Fowler January 15, 2009 - The new show, which was once thought to be an Office spin-off, starring Amy Poehler and Rashida Jones is now starting to take shape. There's a script for the pilot and we can now take a look at the story of this new single-camera mockumentary project from Executive Producer Greg Daniels. The show will be centering on the minutia and the mundane bureaucracy of local government, like those boring town hall meetings you might see on local cable TV access channels. Poehler will play Leslie Knope, a mid-level bureaucrat in the Parks and Recreation Department of Pawnee, Indiana. She has aspirations, probably delusions, of getting promoted up through government. She's a more likeable character than say…The Office's Michael Scott (Steve Carell). Leslie is a big reader…Michael Scott is not a big reader," remarked Daniels at the recent TCA press tour. It was said that Leslie will not be as dumb or unintentionally mean as Michael, but, as Poehler stated, it will be "easy to humiliate her." "She wants to run with the big boys, so you've got to take the hits," Poehler added. Leslie's goal is to help get all the permits and paperwork passed to build up a new playground in her hometown, and she's got dreams of her success leading into an eventual promotion for her. "She's an opportunist and very ambitious. She's struggling to find herself in a 'man's world,'" said Poehler. "She looks to a lot of women in politics for inspiration. She looks to them as her heroes." The central joke here is that it takes an unbelievably, and comically, long time to get anything done on a local level, when it comes to government. Daniels told the story of a Claremont, California bureaucrat finally cutting the ribbon on a park that had taken eighteen years to get built for that town. Poehler's character mistakenly thinks that her playground project might take as long as…three whole months. And that that would even be a long time for her. Little does she know… Rashida Jones (The Office) and Aziz Ansari (Human Giant) are also along for the ride in this show, which may at one point actually been considered as an Office spin-off. Daniels stated "There is an idea for a spin-off with other Office characters, but once Amy came on board, we set that aside." There still are talks of actual Office characters getting their own show however. "I am talking to people about it," said Daniels. "Steven Merchant came back and directed an episode this season and he and I were talking about it." When asked if this show was meant to be a commentary on the "last eight years," Executive Producer Michael Schur said that the show was "not about politics as much as it is about government. We didn't have an axe to grind here." Schur added "It's not about a specific party or a specific agenda. Poehler herself expressed her excitement in being able to play a single character for a while on TV. She expressed that the chance to "get invested in someone very specific and who is very real is great." "I was excited about the idea of being able to turn down the volume and sit with a character for a while."

So apprently someone has taken my beat (local government involving California and Indiana) and turned into a T.V. show. And since it's by the creators of "The Office" (which I really enjoy) and stars one of my favorite female comedians I have to say I'm speechless. I absolutely cannot wait until this show comes out. I feel like someone's been following me around while I cover my beat and then made an awesome mockumentary television show about it. Wow.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 11:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

When I was younger, I used to ask people how they would want to die if given a choice.
I got a myriad of answers of course, but after a while I determined that no matter how hard I thought about it, I’d probably never expect to die from the thing that ultimately did me in.
This thought came to mind recently as I attempted to steer my disabled sedan down a rain-soaked highway while a California Highway Patrol car pushed me down the road at speeds approaching 60 miles-per-hour.
Let me back up.
A few weeks ago, I had been planning a trip to the Bay Area. My heart sunk as I watched report after report predict that the day I had scheduled for my excursion would bring some of the heaviest rains in months to the region.
I hoped against all reason that the storms would pass us by and the rays of sunshine would chase away the increasingly ominous bank of clouds streaming over the mountains.
Spoiler alert: They didn’t.
As I peeked out my window the morning of the big day, the sound of fat raindrops hitting the glass with machine-gun intensity made me contemplate a change of plans. However, it was at this point that my reasons for going on the trip drifted from “fun voyage” to a “mission.”
As my fiancée Ash and I barreled down the highway, the rain slapping against my windshield in sheets seemed to be forming into a taunting laugh that started as a polite chuckle and ended up as a full-on teary-eyed guffaw by the time I reached the Oakland area.
We were almost there when I made a big mistake. Thinking the four open lanes on the right-hand side of the highway represented a golden opportunity to pass the line of slow-moving cars bunched up in the carpool lanes, I sped through the great open divide with as much gusto as my soaking-wet four-cylinder engine could muster.
That’s when the real trouble started.
About half-a-second afterwards I realized why no one else had followed me into the fray: the open space was really a foot-and-a-half deep pond that extended over nearly the entire breadth of the roadway. I suddenly comprehended my mistake and tried to get out of the puddle as fast as I could. I could hear my poor car screaming “Are you kidding me right now?” as the engine sputtered and wheezed. I was just out of the worst of it when the inner workings of the automobile inevitably gave way to the rushing water spraying from down below.
This was not good.
Suddenly, we found ourselves blocking one of the only two open lanes of traffic. People behind us began to honk angrily as if we didn’t know that our car had died in the middle of the road.
“Thanks,” I said, waving at them with five fingers as they passed by, returning my gesture with four less. “Thanks so much for telling me. And a good day to you, sir!”
Not knowing what else to do, I dialed 9-1-1 and asked for help. Just as I began talking to the operator I heard a knock on the door.
I hung up and opened the door to a saintly truck driver who offered to push off to a dry spot on the shoulder a few feet ahead. I gladly obliged and as I put the car in ‘neutral’ I heard the kiss of our bumpers. We only continued this bump and grind for about 100 yards before coming to rest on a deserted patch of asphalt far away from the puddle.
After thanking him profusely, he went on his way and I tried to figure out how long I had to wait before I could start my car again. I determined that I had to let it dry out, so Ash and I decided to wait a few minutes longer before trying it again.
Then came another rapping at the door.
Apparently while we had been stopped, a CHP officer had pulled up behind us. He, like the truck driver, told us to put the car in ‘neutral’, put on our seatbelts and roll down the windows to await further instructions.
Unlike the truck driver, he made us go faster than I would have signed up for.
As we began moving, I held the steering wheel with white knuckles, using all my might to control a car without power steering or brakes. The officer began shouting directions through the amplified speaker attached to the outside of his cruiser.
As I strained my ears to catch his garbled speech I began wondering if it was too late to make a last will and testament.
As my speedometer passed 20 then 30 then 40, I saw that we were coming to the top of a hill and we didn’t seem to be slowing down, if anything, we seemed to be gaining speed.
As we crested the top of the hill I saw a slow-moving cadre of cars in front of us. We were going roughly the same speed as them, but I figured if any one of them decided to slow down or stop in front of us there wouldn’t be much I could do except double-check my seatbelt and re-open a dialogue with my creator.
This is it, I thought as we passed the 50 mark on the dials, this is how it ends.
I tapped the brakes ever so slightly in an effort to curb our increasingly rapid descent.
“No brakes!” came the suddenly clear voice from behind us. The fact that the officer would be the top piece of bread in the Rob/Ash sandwich that would be instantly constructed if we did crash into one of the cars in front of us didn’t give me much comfort.
We were nearly three-fourths of a mile from the start of our police-assisted ride when we were told to turn off on the first exit. The cruiser pulled back a bit as I decelerated as quickly as I could. We finally rolled to a stop in the parking lot of a nice-looking hotel. The officer told us to wait a few minutes and then sped off.
It took us a few moments of bewildered silence to realize that we were still residents of this mortal coil.
We walked to the lobby of the hotel and wondered aloud to each other if the officer in question had always wanted to try something like that, but just decided that since it was an emergency situation with no one else around it might be a fun thing to try.
About an hour later, after consuming some vending machine snacks and hotel-approved reading material I tried the car and it started right up. I left the engine running for a few minutes as plumes of steam escaped out the back. After driving by the dilapidated store we had nearly died trying to get to, we decided we’d rather not chance it by leaving our car in a shady part of Oaktown.
Later that night, on our way back to Ukiah, we decided to stop in Santa Rosa and do some shopping there. We saw a movie, went out to eat and tried to make up for shock and horror of the rest of the day. We actually had a pretty good time.
So, obviously, the lesson here is never go further than an hour in any direction from your home. Ever. There’s just too much danger out there.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 08:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

As I write this it is Jan. 3 and I haven’t broken any of my New Year’s 2009 resolutions yet.
But, then again, the day isn’t over either.
In past years this is about the time I start making deals with myself and generally slipping on all the high-minded promises I made the year prior.
I always start out with the best of intentions that this year would be the 365-day (or in the case of 2008, 366-day) period where I’d really break out of my well-worn old habits.
But then again video games and other electronic distractions around the house are always fun and they don’t generally require that you better yourself in any way to enjoy them.
But this year--no more.
In the spirit of my New Year’s resolution to write and read for pleasure every single day without fail I went on a quest for a yet-to-be read (by me) classic that could offer some sage advice for the task that lay ahead.
I ended up with “The Art of War” by Sun Tzu.
I’ve been meaning to read this 6th Century Chinese military treatice for some time now, but when I discovered that almost every book of note in the public domain is on the Internet for free somewhere, I decided now was the time to strike. (See, I’m already using those military words.)
I’ve also been interested in perusing the pages of this text in part because I’ve been fascinated by the onslaught of business-oriented self-help books that have sprung from the ideas laid out in the book. Examples include, but are certainly not limited to: “Sun Tzu: The Art of War for Managers; 50 Strategic Rules,” “The Art of War for Executives: Ancient Knowledge for Today's Business Professional” and my personal favorite “The Warrior Lawyer: Powerful Strategies for Winning Legal Battles.”
I find it interesting that this is the one classic book that everyone in the business community has decided to latch on to. (Now the real challenge would be taking something like “Madame Bovary” into a business self-help book, but then again I once saw a book called “The Tao of Pooh” so anything’s possible I guess.)
After reading the original text I can understand what they were going for, but it’s beyond my bounds of my imagination of how anyone could apply such sentences as, “if forced to fight in a salt-marsh, you should have water and grass near you, and get your back to a clump of trees,” into business culture. (I can only guess as to what metaphor would encompass all those elements into a cohesive theme.)
Even though every word of the tome isn’t a solid gold gift it does have some pretty timeless nuggets to offer me in my journey:
• “According as circumstances are favorable, one should modify one’s plans.”
One of the reasons I’ve had so much trouble keeping myself on the grind reading-wise is that I constantly set too high a goal for myself from the beginning and throw the towel in when my plan isn’t working. I’ve also carried a foolish belief that I have to finish every book I start. (Maybe this means I should read something less than a thousand pages for my first book of the year.)
• The art of war teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the enemy's not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him; not on the chance of his not attacking, but rather on the fact that we have made our position unassailable.
I’m convinced that 2009 is going to be a hard year financially, so I’m all about managing my money better. I don’t know about you, but every time I check the mail I feel like I’m doing battle with my bills. My resolution in this regard to not be past due on any of my bills. Hopefully this does not mean selling any of my organs for straight cash. (Yet.)
• Prohibit the taking of omens, and do away with superstitious doubts. Then, until death itself comes, no calamity need be feared.
Oh, stress, how I’ve tangoed with you. I’m done with stressing out. I’m over the amount of stomach acid I have on a daily basis. That’s really what I’m fighting against this year: fear. I’m done with it. (Unless the band Creed somehow pulls a Guns ‘N Roses and unexpectedly releases another album this year. Then the fear will return.)
So check for my new self-help book: “The Art of Rob: How to Crush Your New Year’s Resolutions.” (Now in paperback.)

Posted by Rob Burgess at 06:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I had a slice of pizza halfway in my mouth when I figured out how I was going to deal with 2009.
It occurred to me last week when I was back home in Indiana. I was having dinner with my friend Christine at a restaurant that had opened in my absence.
“You know why I can’t get anything done?” she asked me as I began to tackle the first slice of the personal-sized pie. “I start out with a list of all the things I have to do and then by the time I get to the end of my day I’ve done all these other things that I didn’t expect to so I don’t even want to look at things like the dishes.”
This is a feeling I know all too well.
“I know, right?” I said after swallowing. “I always know it’s bad when I start counting things like going to the bathroom on the list of accomplishments I can tick off during the course of a day.”
I think this conversation is a microcosm of how I thought about 2008 before it started.
I wasn’t under any illusions that it would be an easy year exactly, but I did have some vague idea that completing the large goals I had set out for myself would come to pass just as a matter of course.
That, as you might guess, did not happen.
Just getting through the day, the week, the month, the year was all I could do to keep my head above water, let alone strive to complete the hazy idea of the lofty goals I had dancing around the corners of my mind.
As a result, I’m approaching 2009 in a whole new way: through the eyes of currently incarcerated rapper Mystikal.
Mystikal, otherwise known as Gulf War veteran Michael Tyler, toiled for a few years in the early 1990’s on southern rap label No Limit before breaking out with his monster 2001 hit “Shake Ya Ass.”
The song was not only was featured to hilarious effect in the movie “About a Boy” but had my high school in an uproar because the administration would only allow the playing of the edited version at prom (entitled “Shake It Fast.”) I think some impromptu petitions were circulated among the student population. (Viva la democracy!)
I was instantly hooked on the song and forced my friend Dustin to include it on the very first burned CD of illegally downloaded music I ever owned.
Sadly, though, it all came crashing down for Mystikal not three years later.
On January 16, 2004, Mystikal was sentenced to six years in prison after pleading guilty to forcing his hairstylist to perform sex acts. He also admitted to extortion.
“The rapper and two bodyguards forced the woman to perform oral sex, have sex with them, and accused her of stealing $80,000 in checks,” according to the CNN story from the time. “Mystikal initially denied the assault, but confessed after a videotape of the crime was found at his home.”
I bring this up not say that I parallel my life to someone who committed a terrible crime and then lied about it, but to say that the predicament I feel that not only myself, but my entire country, find ourselves in are the results of crimes of complacency.
We, like the pre-arrest Mystikal, had everything going for us at the end of the 1990’s. The world was ours. Then we let ourselves get sloppy: we did nothing about the unregulated credit default swap market, we went to war with a sovereign country that had never attacked us and dragged our feet on an ever-worsening environmental disaster.
And then, we got caught for it. The bill came due. The cops found the tape. And that’s what I think we’ve all been doing in 2008: making payments on all the careless, carefree things we did in the years prior. (I know I have.)
For me, 2009 is about outrunning the daily grind and not just keeping up.
For my part, I’ve been so busy looking backwards trying to put out the many small fires in my life that I forget where I’m supposed to be going in the first place.
We’ll be released from the prison of truthiness that is the Bush White House in less than a month. Mystikal will have to wait another year until he’s released from his less metaphorical jail. Personally, I’m looking forward in 2009 to breaking free of the self-imposed habits that have allowed me to lately only move sideways thusfar.
In the meantime, I think we can all take a less from Mystikal’s hit “Bouncin’ Back (Bumpin’ Me Against the Wall)”: “So if you ain’t ready you better get ready/I know I do it better when I’m being opposed/Ah stick ya chest out, keep your chin up/’Cause sometimes you gotta get knocked down to get up.”

Posted by Rob Burgess at 08:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

As I write this I’m less than 36 hours away from boarding a cross-country flight and that can only mean one thing: hours and hours of pouring through the pages of the complimentary Sky Mall Magazine.
If you’ve flown at any point in the last decade you already know what I’m talking about. If, for some reason, you haven’t, Sky Mall is the largest, craziest collection of items that no one needs, but everyone sort of wants.
I generally completely forget about Sky Mall Magazine while I’m still on the ground and there’s a good reason for that: There is no way I would think the products inside were worth the money they’re asking unless I was trapped in a confined space for hours on end.
But even the promise of forced confinement may not be able to save the bottom lines of the producers of these overpriced trinkets this year.
Fifty-three percent of consumers say they expect to spend less on holiday gifts than they did last year, according to an Associated Press-GfK poll released Friday.
So with the economy as terrible as it is right now, I thought I’d give a shout out to some of my favorite Sky Mall offerings that are surely slumping in the sales right about now:
5) Brightfeet Lighted Slippers
In case you’ve grown bored of frightening your pets with the light on the front of the vacuum cleaner, why not treat them to a new brand of lighted horror, the Brightfeet Lighted Slippers?
“Bright Feet Lighted Slippers are slippers with headlights that light your way in the dark,” stated a portion of the product’s description. “It’s like having nightlights on your feet - ideal for night time trips to the bathroom, kitchen or kid's room. Use Bright Feet Lighted Slippers during power outages to locate emergency supplies.”
The slippers look just like you’d expect them to from the description, yet, sadly “colors pink and camouflage are no longer available.”
4) Political Party Door Mat
If normal conversation about politics is too taxing, why not simply lump all those who dare knock on your door into one or two categories before they even step foot in your house?
“Know where they stand when you open the door,” reads the first line of the ominous description.
The mat is split into two sections, with the top of each adorned with either the donkey or elephant to represent the Democrat or Republican who will soon wish he or she darkened a different doorstep.
Below each party symbol are a pair of shoe prints like you’d see on a dance chart, although should be noted that there is no mention of where third party or independent voters are supposed to stand.
3) Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker
Finally, the wait is over. Gone are the days of tear-stained room temperature hot dogs. The good people at Hammacher Schlemmer have finally found a way to combine pre-cooked meat sticks and heat in one 660-watt appliance.
Apparently this item gets sold out a lot because the only two reviews on the Sky Mall Web site mentioned how lucky they felt to finally find one for sale. (Which was kind of hard to understand considering how gross the appliance must look a year into operation.)
The whole setup looks like sort of like a toaster, but with circular holes instead of rectangular ones. (And of course you probably shouldn’t stick pre-packaged meat in an actual toaster.)
On the other hand, I’ve heard microwaves, ovens, grills and open flames work quite well for heating meat and bread items too.
2) Day Clock
I think the thing that amazed me more than the fact that people actually bought an analog wall clock that only marked the days of the week was what those who did decided to be angry with when they received it.
“I am completely thrilled with the idea of this clock - however the picture is VERY misleading,” read a review of the product posted on the Web site Amazon.com. “When we received the clock, there was a large ‘Day Clock’ logo right on the ‘Wednesday/Thursday’ line. It completely ruins the look of the clock, and now it seems that we'll hang up a large advertisement right on our wall.”
Just wait ‘til they hear about wall calendars. I mean, the entire top half of those don’t even have anything to do with what date it is! (It’s products like this that make me question my faith in humanity.)
1) The Slanket
Let’s just drink in the concept of the Slanket for a moment, shall we?
“Here's the best blanket, hands down, for snuggling up with a book or laptop computer,” stated the product description. “Put your arms in the 13”-wide sleeves and then turn pages, type, knit or do anything else with your hands without uncovering your body.”
A blanket with sleeves. I repeat: A blanket. With sleeves.
Before I go any further, I’d just like to point out that the Slanket is the third most popular gift under $50 that Sky Mall offers.
One point the Slanket advertisements really stress is the fact that you’ll save on heating bills when you’re wrapped in your neon monk robe. What they fail to mention is the extra savings you’ll incur when you’re no longer hassled with going on dates or attracting new people. (Nothing says “sexy” like a ginormous swath of shapeless clothing.)

Posted by Rob Burgess at 08:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

As my fiancée Ash is wont to say, “being a person is far too expensive.”
I’ve always agreed with this sentiment, but never more so than right now.
On Dec. 1, the National Bureau of Economic Research declared that the United States entered a recession in December of 2007, citing employment and production figures as well as the third quarter decline in GDP. The Dow Jones Industrial Average lost 679 points that same day.
On Friday, the Labor Department released a report stating that employers slashed 533,000 jobs in November, which was far worse than the 320,000 that economists forecast.
Even our ever-hopeful President-elect Barack Obama said in a pre-taped interview Sunday on “Meet the Press” that things are going to “get worse” before they get better.
So in the spirit of finding things to do on the cheap I thought I’d share a few absolutely free things I’m dealing with at the moment that are keeping me sane.
1) Library
Why they’re awesome: How rad is the concept of the free library system?
As Matt Damon’s character said in “Good Will Hunting” when confronted by some tipsy Ivy Leaguers: “You dropped a hundred-and-fifty-grand on (an)...education you could’ve got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the public library.”
Not only can you order books at the Ukiah Library’s Web site that draw from not only the collections of Mendocino County institutions, but the entire Sonoma County system as well. (Score!)
But wait, there’s more: they have DVDs and VHS tapes you can order as well. Too cheap to pay for cable or Netflix? Well, if you don’t mind waiting until the 27 people in front of you are done with it, the first season of “The Wire” could be yours (for a limited time) in just six to eight months. (Double score!)
Drawbacks: There is something nice about owning books. Also, as I pointed out above, the best, newest and most popular items generally come with a long waiting period. (Like when I ordered a book entitled “Mike’s Election Guide” in October that I didn’t receive until two weeks ago.)
2) Podcasts
Why they’re awesome: True, this entry requires an internet connection (and preferably some sort of portable MP3 player) to take advantage of, but once you’ve gotten past those little bumps in the road, podcasts really are the way to go.
Podcasts are video or audio files that can be produced by anyone and, for the most part, downloaded and subscribed to for absolutely nothing.
And just like magazines there is a podcast for everything. Everything? Yes. Every. Thing. A quick look at the Web site Podcast Alley reveals 51,256 of them ready to be downloaded covering everything for music to Harry Potter to knitting.
If you have ears and even a passing interest in anything there’s no reason not to jump in. Except...
Drawbacks: Listening to them can sometimes be a chore if you subscribe to too many of them. (Like I do.)
For example, right now I’ve got six podcasts on my iPod: “Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me” (the National Public Radio news quiz), “Real Time With Bill Maher” (an audio-only version of the HBO show), “Savage Love Podcast” (a call-in advice show), “The Moth Podcast” (a collection of true stories told live on stage without notes), “This American Life” (the best radio show ever made) and “RadioLab” (an hour-long science program.)
All told, that’s a solid six hours of listening right there. And most of those update every week. And those aren’t even all the podcasts I subscribe to.
Needless to say, I’ve doing a lot more walking around town lately with my headphones stuffed into the side of my head.
3) Streaming network television shows
Why they’re awesome: We live in what could easily be considered the new golden age of television. TV is so good right now and in a wonderful coincidence many of the best shows are also available to to watch online right now for free.
Do I really need to explain any further why this is a good thing?
Drawbacks: Most of the series I enjoy watching online (like “The Office”) only keep their episodes up for a month before taking them down. Also, the networks really haven’t worked out all the kinks involved with the advertising attached to the shows, so it can be a little frustrating sitting through the same jumpy video advertisement for the new Prius five times just so you can watch the latest episode.
4) Other people
Why they’re awesome: My friend Ryan and I were at sitting at the Ukiah Brewing Company on Friday talking about the state of the world when she said something that really stuck with me.
“At least everyone’s going through the same thing right now,” she said.
This struck me as incredibly insightful and kind of funny.
“Yeah,” I said. “It would really be terrible if everyone else was like, ‘Yeah, we’re just doing great over here. I don’t know what’s wrong with you.’”
Pretty much everyone I know is going through some manner of hardship at the moment and those you love and trust need you more than ever. Just like you need them. (Like I had to tell you.)
Drawbacks: I guess the only drawback to the whole company of others concept is that you have to be careful about who you let into your circle. As a postcard I once saw in a coffee shop put it: “Other people ruin everything.”

Posted by Rob Burgess at 03:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I just got word that the rent check went through to my landlord. (Yay!) All my problems are over, dude.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 04:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This book may have been somewhat more entertaining to me if I had gotten my hands on it at any point before Nov. 4. In reality, I requested my copy from the local library several weeks in advance of Election Day, but didn't find it waiting for me at the Ukiah branch until a full three weeks after Barack Obama was already declared the winner. (Hooray?)
Having said that, even if I had cracked the cover in the month of October, I'm not sure I would have enjoyed the project any more than I already do right now. Having already read two of Moore's other books ("Stupid White Men" and "Dude, Where's My Country?") I found the "Election Guide" to be a notably lazy effort. The font size used in the book was of particular note as I haven't seen text that large in a paperback book since I was in Junior High (I'm thinking of the "Goosebumps" series by R.L. Stine in particular.)
The book is 260 pages long, but I only got through about 170 of that since the last third of it is taken up by "Mike's Handy Candidate Guide" (a rundown of all the Democratic candidates he supports, which is pretty unreadable once you already know the outcome of most of these races), "Fox News/Talk Radio/McCain Campaign Easy Guide for Lifting Lines Out of Context from This Book" (which was funny, but also sort of hard to see schlepping through) and a collection of notes, sources and acknowledgments. (Maybe I've been setting too high of a goal for myself when thinking about writing a book. I mean, this got published and I could probably have tossed this off in a few weekends.)
The one thing I think gets left out of the praise/criticism of Moore is that he can be really funny. My favorite stunt of his was performed on his short-live television show "The Awful Truth." In the segment, Moore drives The Sodomobile, a pink van loaded with gay men and women, traveling across the country to U.S. states that have on-the-books sodomy laws, to fight for gay rights. At one point they encounter Pastor Fred Phelps, infamous for protesting at the funeral of Matthew Shepard, picketing during the funerals of other young gay men. Later in the show they travel to Four Corners National Monument and, um, break sodomy laws in four states (Utah, Arizona, New Mexico and Colorado) at the same time.
The same inspired flash of humor is present in several places throughout the book, mostly when he gets a rant going like this one in the section titled "How to Elect John McCain...or, How Many Democrats Does It Take to Lose the Most Winnable Presidential Election in American History?":

"After the debacles of Iraq, Katrina, gas prices, home foreclosures, our standing in the world, the failure to capture bin Laden, and revealing the identity of a CIA agent in an act of revenge, it would seem that Barack Obama should be on a cakewalk to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The man should be able to sleep his way through the rest of the campaign season. Ha! Think again."

Grade: C-

Posted by Rob Burgess at 03:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Of all the stresses in my life, threats to my living situation tend to trump all others. That is to say, when I found out today that the two money orders I had sent to my landlord to cover the rent for this month at the end of the day Friday had not yet been received in Santa Rosa as of Wednesday I became a tad distraught. After about a half-hour of frantic searching around my apartment I found the stubs that came with the two money orders. After calling the customer help line and punching in the individual serial numbers I found that they had not been cashed yet. Then when I went to the post office they told me that if I had mislabeled the envelope in any way they probably wouldn't get around to sending it back to me until the "very last part of the week." Meanwhile I've got hundreds of dollars floating around an upset landlord. They also told me that since it was a first class letter there was no way to track it and basically nothing I can do. When I checked the Moneygram (the company that produced the money order) Web site, I found that to get a refund of a money order that had not been cashed would take a minimum of 30 days to complete.
Great. That will be just enough time for me to receive it just as I'm setting up my new apartment in an alley using a cardboard refrigerator box.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 05:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (1)

I forgot to mention that some of my artwork will be on display for the next two weeks in the lobby of the Ukiah Players Theater during their run of "Once Upon a Mattress." Here's the description from the Theater's Web site. I've heard it's pretty good:

Once Upon a Mattress November 20 - December 14, 2008 Thursdays at 7:00 p.m., Fridays & Saturdays at 8:00 p.m. Matinees November 23 & 30, December 7 &14 at 2:00 p.m. This delightful musical interpretation of The Princess and the Pea is fun for the whole family. The law states that no one can marry until Prince Dauntless the Drab weds, however every princess has failed the unfair tests devised my Queen Aggravaine. This becomes a problem for the leading knight of the realm, Sir Harry, as he discovers his girlfriend, Lady Larken, is pregnant. Sir Harry embarks on a quest to find the last princess in the realm and finds Princess Winnifred the Woebegone, a brash princess from the marshlands. Certainly too unrefined to feel a pea under several layers of mattresses…

Also I'm in the process of uploading the photos pictures to my Flickr account which can be found here.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Whatever you think of the outcome the presidential election one thing is for certain: a whole bunch of otherwise racist white people voted for the nation's first mixed-race president.
Though Obama won a healthy 54 percent of the young white vote, he garnered only 43 percent of the total white electorate. The fact remains though that he could not have carried the election without even this amount of the Caucasian vote. (Note the newly minted blue states such as Indiana, North Carolina, South Carolina and Ohio.)
So what could have caused this cognitive dissonance? Well, to answer that question a number of pundits have speculated that the image of strong, respectable African Americans in the public consciousness may have primed the country for such a change.
Let's start with the sports theory.
"I think the black athlete has, ultimately, made a deep, if subconscious, impression on whites," wrote Frank Deford, of Sports Illustrated, on July 23. "He's been heroic, of course. But beyond that, it's he who's had the chance to show whites that he can be congenial -- just folks, just like the white guy next door -- and that he can demonstrably lead people, yea, even to championships. This evolving comfort factor for fans must have eased the path for Obama with voters."
David Murray, of the Huffington Post, took the concept one step further and applied the title of official Obama road-paver to a single mixed-race celebrity: golfer Tiger Woods.
"It's impossible to know for sure what Woods has done over the last decade to soften up white America for a black presidential candidate with similar qualities: calm, confidence, intelligence, good looks, a brilliant smile and an unmistakable and sometimes awesome air of confidence about him," he wrote in his article "Did Tiger Woods Pave the Way for Barack Obama?"
But according to others it wasn't just those melanin-rich athletes who made it safe for Obama, black television actors had a hand in it as well.
"There's an argument circulating that The Cosby Show laid the groundwork for President-elect Barack Obama by presenting an appealing black family, the Huxtables, to young TV viewers who grew up equipped to thwart stereotypes and barriers," wrote Lynn Elber, of the Associated Press. "Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez called her theory 'the Huxtable effect,' a counter to the so-called Bradley effect (named for failed black California gubernatorial hopeful Tom Bradley) of possible hidden racism among white voters."
But it was another television show, Fox's hit "24," that has garnered the most attention in this department.
"Remember David Palmer, the fictional black president in the hit TV show 24?," stated the BBC's Nick Bryant in his article "Ten Quick Lessons from the US Election." "I do not know whether there is any data to back this up, but my hunch is that he helped create a climate of public acceptance for the notion of a black president. I reckon the Palmer effect was more significant than any Bradley effect. (The so-called distortion in opinion polls caused by voters who don't want to vote for a black candidate, but won't admit that to pollsters.)"
Well, Dennis Haysbert, actor who portrayed Palmer, doesn't have any data to back this up either, but he's apparently in favor of the idea.
"If anything, my portrayal of David Palmer I think may have helped open the eyes of the American people," he said prior to Obama's victory.
Ironically, "24" creator Joel Surinow is one of the few openly Republicans in Hollywood (he recently gave his friend and right-wing radio host Rush Limbaugh a specially-made "24" smoking jacket.)
"You see, a significant portion of the media-viewing public has already been watching African American candidates, presidents, and ex-presidents for five straight years and counting on the much-hailed Fox serial 24,'" wrote Lucia Bozzola, of the Simon Magazine, on Jan. 30, 2007. "It has made the presence of an African American president not only normal, but also desirable...The minds behind 24' (right wing or not) were able to conceive of the idea of a black man being elected by the general public, and not toss it out as patently absurd ... Dennis Haysbert's David Palmer is smart, charismatic, informed, judicious and all of those other things our current commander in chief is not."
Phil Bronstein, of the San Francisco Chronicle, posted an entry on his blog on Nov. 11 that supposed that another, even more high-profile Republican may have been partially responsible for the Obama victory.
"I'm talking about the impact on citizen state of mind when Mr. Bush appointed not one but two African American Secretaries of State and the first African American as Secretary of Education like it wasn't any big deal," he wrote. "He also named the first Mexican American as Attorney General. It doesn't matter what you thought of Ms. Rice or Mr. Powell or the others as public servants...Here was a very conservative good old Texas fundamentalist Republican breaking a racial barrier without even blinking, like it was the most natural thing to do and not some monumental moment in our cultural or political history."
Personally, I don't think any of these theories are really wrong, but I wouldn't say they're completely right either. They all seem kind of overly simplistic to me.
Honestly, I'm more inclined to take the line of thinking included in the recent story from satirical newspaper "The Onion" entitled: "Nation Finally S****y Enough To Make Social Progress."
"Although polls going into the final weeks of October showed Sen. Obama in the lead, it remained unclear whether the failing economy, dilapidated housing market, crumbling national infrastructure, health care crisis, energy crisis, and five-year-long disastrous war in Iraq had made the nation crappy enough to rise above 300 years of racial prejudice and make lasting change," stated the article. "Citizens with eyes, ears, and the ability to wake up and realize what truly matters in the end are also believed to have played a crucial role in Tuesday's election."

Posted by Rob Burgess at 04:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I found this on the Associated Content news wire this morning:

A liberal dream has been made reality. No, we're not talking about the election of Barack Obama with a Democratic Congress. It seems that Ann Coulter, the willowy, blond conservative bomb thrower has been forced to shut up, after she took a fall last month and sustained injuries that have required that her jaw be wired shut.

This means that for a little while at least Ann Coulter will find it a little difficult to talk. Her computer is still functional, we hear, and so she will at least be able to make her thoughts known on the printed page and the Internet.

The accident that broke Ann Coulter's jaw comes at an unfortunate time. Barack Obama has been elected, which should serve as great inspiration for Ms. Coulter's sharp tongued wit. Ann Coulter is also coming out with a book, with a title that is the soul of wit in its brevity: Guilty. Ann Coulter's Guilty, which comes out in January, is said to relate the thuggish behavior of Barack Obama surrogates in attacking his opponents while the candidate himself pretended to be above the fray.

The jaw wiring procedure requires that the jaw be held immobile for several weeks, so there is a little hope that Ann Coulter will be able to talk in time for the book tour. At the current time, Ann Coulter is finding recording the audio version of Guilty a little difficult to say the least.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 11:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

After proposing to my fiance Ash on Halloween I marvel that anyone is able to go through with the whole ordeal.
I’m referring to the preparation, of course, not the actual proposing, which was a breeze. (Hey, I can drop to one knee and snap open a tiny box as well as the next guy.)
No, what I’m referring to is the selection of a ring.
I had wanted to propose for quite some time, but I wanted to do it right. (No empty boxes or trips to the local vending machine for a plastic ring that I’d swear I’d replace later for me.)
I didn’t go into the experience completely doe-eyed. I expected a certain amount of anxiety to be associated with the purchase. After all, you’re picking our a piece of jewelry for someone else which they (hopefully) will be wearing for long, long time.
I also didn’t have many requirements for the ring before I set out, but I did know I wanted it to be:
a) New. (I know there’s probably nothing technically wrong with getting an estate piece, and I’m not generally a superstitious person, but who knows what terrible circumstances led to the eventual availability of that used engagement ring in the window?)
b) Gold. (I’ve always liked the way gold looks and I find it fascinating when flakes of it are placed in high-end food and liquor, the latter of which my college roomate and I would buy often just for novelty of it. I mean, you’re ingesting a precious metal. Crazy.)
c) Diamond. (Pretty standard, really.)
After embarking on my quest I found that even these requests came with their own set of problems:
1) Brand new jewlery in general is not as cheap as its “gently used” bretheren.
2) Some people apparently have an allergy to gold. (Fortunately, after some research I determined that this actually a nickel allergy and is usually found in less-than-pure gold, “usually in the alloy rich 9-carat gold,” according to a Web site called Corrosion Doctors.)
3) Diamonds are also a little more pricey than their fake counterparts and certified blood-free diamonds cost even more. Also, disturbingly enough, while researching diamonds I found out that you can have your loved ones cremated an made into wearable versions of the precious stones.
“A company called LifeGem has come up with a unique twist on diamond creation,” stated a portion of a disturbing article I found on the Web site About.com. “They create gemstones from carbon that's captured during the cremation of human remains. It’s not a process that will appeal to everyone, but the company is finding that an increasing number of people opt in to the program in order to leave family members a lasting memento, one that's beautiful and one they can wear all the time.”
Yuck city. (Just one more reason not buy estate jewelry.)
After reconciling my base requirements I started looking at design. And that’s the real fun started. (And when I say fun, I mean not fun.)
I’m fairly low-key and traditional when it comes to jewlery design in general, so I thought finding a simple, classic engagement ring would be no sweat. (Wrong.)
Apparently, not satisfied with the old-fashioned solitary-diamond-on-top-of-a-shiny-ring-idea, I have determined that at some point during the last few years the jewlery industry handed their research and development department over to either a) a third grade classroom or b) your local mental institution.
As I gazed helplessly through the glass I saw row after row of leaping dolphins with gemstones in their beaks give way to gold bracelets that were connected by a gold chain to their ringed counterparts.
And this wasn’t just the cheap rings. Take industry leader Cartier, for example. If you go to their Web site, the first collection of rings that pops up on their “Jewelry” menu is the “Panthere de Cartier.” One screen later you’re staring down a piece of jewelry in the shape of a decapitated, jeweled panther head with a hole in the mouth to deposit the owner’s finger. I also like how they won’t tell you the price unless you ask. All you can do is add it to your “Wish List.” (Cartier is basically saying, “Yeah, you just wish you could afford a sparkly jungle cat head eating your finger ring.”)
After recovering my senses and my wallet I finally found a gold diamond engagement ring that is actually quite shiney in the correct lighting. (It actually looks really good at the supermarket for some reason.)
So now on to planning the wedding. I don’t know much about the details of the arrangement this event, but there’s not really much stress involved with that, right?

Posted by Rob Burgess at 05:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I don’t have any children (that I know of) yet, but one of my great fears in life is that I will one day be a terrible parent by accident.
I’m sure this happens to many unsuspecting people just like me who start their adult life with the best of intentions and wake up a decade later with their family business spread across the stage of a daytime talk show for all to see.
I really was worried about this happening to me someday until I read an Associated Press story today concerning a phenomenon happening right now in what was already one of my least favorite places in this great country: Nebraska.
“The mother was running out of more than patience when she abandoned her 18-year-old daughter at a hospital over the weekend under Nebraska’s safe-haven law,” stated the first sentence of the story. “She was also running out of time: She knew that state lawmakers would soon meet in a special session to amend the ill-fated law so that it would apply to newborns only.”
That’s right: stellar parents from every corner of this land are flocking to the Cornhusker State to dump their grown broods like they were unwanted Christmas puppies in January.
“To the state's surprise and embarrassment, more than half of the 31 children legally abandoned under the safe-haven law since it took effect in mid-July have been teenagers,” the article stated. “But state officials may have inadvertently made things worse with their hesitant response to the problem: The number of drop-offs has almost tripled to about three a week since Gov. Dave Heineman announced on Oct. 29 that lawmakers would rewrite the law.”
After reading that I’m not worried at all any more about my parenting skills being the worst ever as I’m fairly sure no matter how badly I screw up at being a father, I’ll probably never pull over, tell my kids to check the air pressure in the tires and then hit the gas when they least expect it.
The saddest part of this story (you know, besides the whole thing) is that the law was created for an incredibly noble purpose.
“The safe-haven law was intended to save ‘Dumpster babies’ by allowing desperate young mothers to abandon their newborns at a hospital without fear of prosecution,” stated the article. “But lawmakers could not agree on an age limit, and the law as passed uses only the word ‘child.’”
Ouch. You gotta read that fine print.
While sensible parents everywhere are going about their day stressing over every minor detail of their child’s upbringing, there are people right now driving towards a Nebraska hospital with their hairy, post-pubescent teenagers in tow like they’re going to miss the last sale of the season at J.C. Penney.
To me all this points to is a simple fact that I have known for years: stupid people are breeding at an alarming rate.
“As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point,” goes the first lines of the movie “Idiocracy.” “Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest, reproduced in greater numbers than the rest, a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits. Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. A dumbing down. How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most, and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.”
This is more than just a hunch: I have science on my side.
Demographic studies have indicated that in humans, fertility and intelligence tend to be negatively correlated, that is to say, the more intelligent, as measured by IQ, exhibit a lower total fertility rate than the less intelligent.
This is not good. This calls for action.
Keep in mind, I’m not necessarily advocating for the reckless reproduction of the intelligent, compassionate, critical thinkers among us, but save some sort of zombie uprising or forced population control we may just have to fight fire with fire.
What I would like to see is some sort of governmental program that treats our brightest minds like endangered pandas. I say give these people everything they need to spread their genetics or we’re going lose just based on sheer numbers. (You! Get those scientists a date, quickly! Go-go gadget dating service!)
As for the parents who have already dumped their high school-aged kids in a hospital and split, I really don’t know what advice I can offer at this point. We really didn’t need any more of you running around this world. (Sadly, It’s a little late for birth control at this point.)
Besides, if someone has to be told that this is bad and wrong, there’s really no point is there?

Posted by Rob Burgess at 05:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

According to a video I just watched on CNN.com, apparently a newspaper in Oklahoma failed to mention the day after the election that Barack Obama won the presidency last week. People in the town are apparently upset that this is some sort of latently racist act intended with malice towards the new biracial president elect. I think there's probably some truth to this claim, but I also understand the plight of beleaguered publisher. He said that people who buy his paper aren't looking for coverage of national and international news as they can get this from a number of other sources.
While I think it's utterly foolish for a newspaper to completely ignore such an obviously monemental occasion (according to some reports, newspapers had their best sales day since 9/11 because of the Obama victory) I understand where he's coming from. All I've heard since I've been a small-town journalist is that the way we're going to stay alive and kicking into the 21st century is to be hyper-local. That "we have to be at the meetings no one else will attend and tell the stories other outlets don't have the time or interest to cover" seems to be the first sentence in the new edition of the holy texts of the industry. We're being drilled on this fact constantly, so I can totally see how someone took this maxim to the limit.
But since the only thing that the paper did publish on its front page was that the county the paper resides in went for McCain, yeah there's probably a dash of racism sprinkled into the mix.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 12:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I have been working on a theory for a while that everyone, no matter together or in control they seem, suffers from some form at least low-grade mental illness.
What else would call the superstition that keeps us from picking up pennies off the ground that show a profile of our 16th president and not the reverse side which depicts the memorial built in this honor? (I know it’s just a penny, but I’m never touching any tails-up copper coins. It’s just not worth it--it’s bad luck.)
Why else would we occasionally talk to ourselves, scream at inanimate objects like computers when they fail to comply with our demands or tell our children that a giant rabbit hides eggs around their house to commemorate Jesus’ death?
On Tuesday, Californians demanded that veal, egg-laying hens and pregnant pigs be confined only in ways that allow these animals to lie down, stand up, fully extend their limbs and turn around freely, but told its gay population to kindly get the heck back in the closet already. (Never mind if they can’t extend their arms or turn around freely in there.)
Why? I’ll tell you why: because we’re all insane.
This brings me to my love for the 1998 movie “The Big Lebowski.”
As anyone who has engaged in a conversation with me lasting more than six minutes will attest, I relate to the world through film.
I list anyone with whom I’ve spoken as witnesses to this fact because, whether they realize it or not, I’m usually looking for a way to insert a quote from a movie in our conversation, and more often than not, it’s “Lebowski” in origin. (I think if I were labeled as autistic this would be listed as just another one of my “symptoms.”)
This is the part of the column where I would usually try to explain the plot of the movie so you could get a better idea of what I’m talking about. I’m sorry for those of who have seen it, but there’s just no way for me to fully describe the plot to you. It involves two guys named Lebowski, one of which has his rug “micturated upon” when thugs mistake one for the other, inciting hilarity for the next 117 minutes.
The story is so hard to describe because it take its format from such Raymond Chandler detective novels as “The Big Sleep,” another plot so filled with twists that screenwriters William Faulkner and Leigh Brackett were forced to call the author during scripting because they couldn’t figure out from the book who the murderer was.
I’ve probably seen the “The Big Lebowski” easily over 100 times in my life and it never gets old. I know every word, even if it was a misstep. (Like when Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s character says the first four words of the phrase “necessary means for a higher education” twice in a row.) My college roommate and I watched it every night for something like a month straight the first time after my maiden voyage.
I’ve inflicted “The Big Lebowski” on more hapless party guests than I count, but there’s good reason for this: If you hate “The Big Lebowski,” there’s a good chance I feel the same way about you. (What better way of testing a persons character than their taste in the arts?)
I can’t even begin to pinpoint why I love the movie so much. Sure it’s funny and clever, but so are a lot of movies and I don’t use those as a philosophy on life or some sort of merit test for being my friend. There’s just some intangible element in the tale of the hapless main character portrayed by Jeff Bridges that drew me in.
And as I found out in September, I’m definitely not the only one.
Lebowski Fest is an annual festival begun in 2002 in Louisville, Ky. and when I found out the celebration was heading to San Francisco I immediately enlisted my girlfriend Ash and our two recently-married friends Sean and Ryan, a fellow “Lebowski” disciple, to join us.
What ensued when we arrived was nothing short of madness.
Revelers were dressed as characters from the film, without regard for how large or small a part they played in the final production.
A band that played only Jim Henson songs, a punk rock marching band and a surf rock band that did their own brand of Jewish standards warmed the crowd up, but it was when the film began roll on the giant projector that the true reason for the gathering took shape.
It was when the first frames of the reel began to flicker that dozens of us “Achievers,” as we like to call ourselves, began experiencing together what we thought we had found alone together. We cheered at the arrival of our favorite actors on screen like conquering heroes marching back from victorious conquest. We knew every joke, but that didn’t stop us from barking out the lines in unison or laughing like hyenas at the punchlines.
We’re all crazy, but it’s so much easier when you know you’re not the only one.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 06:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

As I don't have cable any more and all the election night parties I went to Tuesday had MSNBC on I totally missed this story until today. Here's an excerpt from the story on Slate.com:

On CBS, Katie Couric (as calm and confident as she's been at the anchor desk) hosted a sober presentation. Every other set looked like something you'd pick up at a Circuit City in Dubai. Within ABC's airy and glossy Times Square set, Charlie Gibson poked and pinched a touch-screen election map every bit as snazzy as CNN's. NBC and MSNBC leaned more heavily than ever on reports from virtual-reality rooms, their maps and graphs floating in front of some digital recreation of a set from The West Wing. But those gizmos—merely straightforward efforts to present data engagingly—were nothing compared with an embarrassing stunt that CNN first attempted in the 7 o'clock hour.

Wolf Blitzer was in his New York command center standing 10 paces away from a 3-D rendering of a reporter: "Jessica Yellin via hologram in Chicago." The effects were such that she was ringed in an off-purple aura from head to toe (a distance, it seemed, of about 4 feet). This was distracting, perfectly superfluous, and in no way an advance on the good old two-dimensional Yellin to whom we are accustomed. This was just the latest example of CNN's weakness for state-of-the-art technology that shows you little more than its state-of-the-artiness. On the other hand, the moment proved a worthy demonstration of Blitzer's professionalism. As a YouTube commenter quickly remarked, "He is being awfully nonchalant about [the hologram]. I'd be trying to stick my hand through it and all that!" Even in the face of howling inanity, it was a night to play it cool.

My first thoughts on seeing the video of this:
1) What a phenomenal waste of money on CNN's part.
2) The poor woman has apparently been shrunk to miniature proportions and her feet are apparently now AWOL.
3) It really adds nothing to the proceedings and is way more distracting that a simple video feed would have been.
4) Nothing against Ms. Yeller, but unless it's someone I'd really be interested in seeing hologrammed in, like say one of the candidates, there's no reason to make them look like a combination of Princess Lea and a diminutive member of the Lollipop Guild.

How about next time instead throwing money into the furnace that was the the purchase of this technology, CNN hologram me some substantive investigative reporting. That'd really be neat-o.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 11:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Posted by Rob Burgess at 01:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey, did you know that apparently there’s some sort of “election” happening on Tuesday?
Who knew, right?
Well, in order to find out more about this so-called “election” (whatever that is) I decided to compile a list of important policy statements by presidential hopefuls Democratic Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois and his running mate Sen. Joe Biden of Deleware, and Republican Sen. John McCain of Arizona and his running mate Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.
I hope this helps clear a few things up:

Patriotism
Barack Obama:
“Now even as we speak, there are those who are preparing to divide us, the spin masters and negative ad peddlers who embrace the politics of anything goes. Well, I say to them tonight, there's not a liberal America and a conservative America; there's the United States of America.”
(July 27, 2004, Democratic National Convention, Boston.)
Sarah Palin:
“We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation.”
(Oct. 16, rally, Greensboro, N.C.)

Association with terrorists
Sarah Palin:
“Our opponent, though, is someone who sees America, it seems, as being so imperfect, imperfect enough that he's palling around with terrorists who would target their own country.”
(Discussing Obama’s connection to domestic terrorist, professor, educational theorist and 1997 Chicago Citizen of the Year William Ayers on Oct. 4 at a rally in Englewood, Colo.)
John McCain:
“I'm proud of you, I'm proud of your family. It’s always a pleasure for me to come on your program, Gordon, and congratulations on your continued success and adherence to the principles and philosophies that keep our nation great.”
(To G. Gordon Liddy while appearing on the convicted felon, Watergate conspirator, domestic terrorist and McCain campaign contributor’s radio program in Nov. 2007.)

Cross-border attacks into Pakistan
John McCain:
“I'm not prepared at this time to cut off aid to Pakistan. So I'm not prepared to threaten it, as Sen. Obama apparently wants to do, as he has said that he would announce military strikes into Pakistan.
We've got to get the support of the people of--of Pakistan. He said that he would launch military strikes into Pakistan.
Now, you don't do that. You don't say that out loud. If you have to do things, you have to do things, and you work with the Pakistani government.”
(Sept. 26, Presidential debate, University of Mississippi.)
Sarah Palin:
Michael Rovito, Temple University graduate student: “So we do cross border, like from Afghanistan to Pakistan you think?”
Palin: “If that's what we have to do stop the terrorists from coming any further in, absolutely, we should.”
(Sept. 27, Tony Luke’s sandwich shop, Philadelphia.)

The $700 billion bailout bill
Joe Biden:
“It's evidence that the policies of the last eight years have been the worst policies we’ve had. Obama laid out criteria for a rescue plan. He, first of all, said there has to be oversight. Second, he said you have to focus on folks on Main Street. Third, he said that you have to treat the taxpayers like investors. And, last, you have to make sure CEOs don't benefit from this. We're going to focus on the middle class, because when the middle class is growing, the economy grows and everybody does well.”
(Oct. 2, Vice-presidential debate, Washington University at St. Louis.)
Sarah Palin:
“That’s why I say, I like every American I’m speaking with were ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the tax payers looking to bailout.
But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up the economy– Helping the — Oh, it’s got to be about job creation too. Shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americas.
And trade we’ve got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive scary thing. But 1 in 5 jobs being created in the trade sector today. We’ve got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation.
This bailout is a part of that.”
(Sept. 24, interview with CBS’s Katie Couric.)

Socialism
(Author's note: So-cial-ism, noun: A theory or system of social organization that advocates the vesting of the ownership and control of the means of production and distribution, of capital, land, etc., in the community as a whole.)
Sarah Palin:
“Sen. Obama said he wants to quote ‘spread the wealth.’ What that means is he wants government to take your money and dole it out however a politician sees fit...Friends, now is no time to experiment with socialism. To me, our opponent plans sounds more like big government, which is the problem. Bigger government is not the solution.”
(Oct. 19, rally, Roswell, N.M.)
Sarah Palin:
“And Alaska - we’re set up, unlike other states in the union, where it’s collectively Alaskans own the resources. So we share in the wealth when the development of these resources occurs.”
(Interview with Philip Gourevitch of the “New Yorker” published Sept. 22.)

Iraq
Barack Obama:
“If people tell you that we cannot afford to invest in education or health care or fighting poverty, you just remind them that we are spending $10 billion a month in Iraq. And if we can spend that much money in Iraq, we can spend some of that money right here in Cincinnati, Ohio, and in big cities and small towns in every corner of this country.”
(July 12, speech at the 99th NAACP Convention, Cincinnati.)
John McCain:
Audience member: President Bush has talked about our staying in Iraq for 50 years --
McCain: Maybe 100. We’ve been in Japan for 60 years. We’ve been in South Korea for 50 years or so. That’d be fine with me.
(Jan. 3, town hall, Derry, N.H.)

Iran
Barack Obama:
“We cannot allow Iran to get a nuclear weapon. It would be a game-changer in the region. Not only would it threaten Israel, our strongest ally in the region and one of our strongest allies in the world, but it would also create a possibility of nuclear weapons falling into the hands of terrorists. And so it’s unacceptable. And I will do everything that's required to prevent it. And we will never take military options off the table. And it is important that we don't provide veto power to the UN or anyone else in acting in our interests. It is important, though, for us to use all the tools at our disposal to prevent the scenario where we've got to make those kinds of choices.”
(Oct. 7, Second presidential debate, Nashville, Tenn.)
John McCain:
“That old Beach Boys song “Bomb Iran”: “Bomb, bomb...” (to the tune of “Barbara Ann”)
(April, 2007, Murrells Inlet VFW Hall, Murrells Inlet, S.C.)

(Author's note: Don't forget to vote Tuesday!)

Posted by Rob Burgess at 04:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Being a political junkie and an individual who prides himself on being thoughtful in these matters I can think of no larger insult to my intelligence than the celebrity endorsement of a candidate.
I can’t help but feel like I’m being slapped in the face when, after reading countless news articles and books on world events and testing my conclusions with those around me, that I would suddenly be swayed by the whims of someone who pretends to be someone else for a living. (Do you really care who rapper 50 Cent would cast his ballot for if he wasn’t a convicted felon?)
And I don’t think I’m alone in this. A CBS News poll conducted last September revealed that 78 percent of people expected celebrity endorsements to have no affect on the election, while nine percent said endorsements would make people less likely to vote for a candidate.
But even as I’m annoyed by the this phenomenon I am at the same time compelled to follow an even more labor-intensive and, until recently, increasingly rare trend: the campaign song.
I love music and lot of that has to do with the feeling behind it that can be expressed in no other way.
“If I could write music, I'd never have bothered with books,” wrote author Nick Hornsby in his book “Songbook” and I’d have to say agree with him.
The last few elections haven’t produced any significant songwriting such as previous entries like “Nixon’s the One” or “Tippacanoe and Tyler Too.” (But I mean, be honest, do you find yourself wanting to burst into song over the likes of Al Gore or Mike Huckabee? Neither do I.)
But this election cycle’s long, strange trip has once again brought the songwriters among us to the front of the political arena and oh, what a terribly awful time it has been.
On the Obama corner, weighing in at around 300 celebrities is the “song” “Yes We Can” which turns an otherwise inspiring speech by the candidate into a musical car wreck of hopeful voices. The sentiment of change and optimism is commendable, but so is that “We are the World” song and when the was the last time you dropped the needle on that record in your own home?
“Yes We Can” is a classic case of too many cooks in the kitchen and would have benefited from a less cluttered approach. (For some reason actress Scarlett Johanson and basketball star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar were even allowed to drop a few lines.)
The Republican entry, on the other hand, is one-man show that could have used a little more help.
Actually, a lot more.
Earlier this month, country musician Hank Williams Jr. serenaded vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her supporters with a reworked version of his song “Family Tradition” entitled “McCain/Palin Tradition.” (I guess he had some down time in between recording new verses for the “Monday Night Football” theme.)
“John and Sarah tell you just what they think,” Williams intoned at a rally in Virginia Beach, Va. “And they're not gonna blink. And they don't have terrorist friends to whom their careers are linked.”
The only problem with this ditty, besides the fact that it’s barely listenable, is the fact that the original lyrics are basically a pro-marijuana southern rock throwdown.
“They get on me wanna know ‘Hank why do you drink?’/‘Hank why do you roll smoke?’,” goes the original first verse. “‘Why must you live out the songs that you wrote?’/Over and over everybody made my prediction/So if i get stoned/I’m just carryin’ on an old family tradition.”
I guess there was a reason he had to change the words.
“I can’t support the legalization of marijuana,” said McCain at a debate at Dartmouth College in 1999. “Scientific evidence indicates that the moment that it enters your body, one, it does damage, and second, it can become addictive. It is a gateway drug.”
I can think of plenty of reasons to vote or not vote for either presidential candidate, but if a celebrity endorsement or a campaign song was the deciding factor for you, I encourage you to instead cast your vote for your preferred choice on “American Idol.” (It’s so much easier anyway.)

Posted by Rob Burgess at 04:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Hi, my name is Rob (hi, Rob) and I’m a pack rat.
I’m not sure I can pinpoint where it all started, but I can tell you where it ended.
First, let me start by saying that the closets in my apartment don’t really function as the breezy repositories for clothing they’re meant to. In fact, I haven’t seen the carpeting of of them in a long, long time.
What is filled with is contingency. I keep things ‘just in case.’ Some people store practical things like bottles of water and cans of food in case of emergency.
Me? Well, I’ll tell it to you like this: I own a mannequin. Not only that, I have a mannequin and two extra mannequin limbs that don’t even fit the other mannequin. I found it one day behind a store on Main Street here in town and I went back after dark and loaded it into my trunk like it was an actual body, dropping the bag every time I saw a car drive by.
“But why?” you may rightly inquire.
You’re asking the wrong guy.
It’s a sort of perverted twist on Yoda’s advice to Luke Skywalker when he’s trying to lift the X-Wing: There is no why.
This sort of logic has worked for me for a long time. Alas, I was forced to shed some of my collected refuse prior to my cross-country move to Ukiah, but it doesn’t take long for me to collect more.
It never does.
The breaking point point came earlier this week when I was snowshoeing across the refuse that the overstuffed closet had expelled in despair.
I was starting a writing project and I was sure that I had a crate of unused notebooks at the bottom of the closet somewhere.
I began carefull pulling boxes out of the treacherous Jenga puzzle of cardboard that populated the closet when I thought I saw the crate as I was looking for.
As I reached down, one of the boxes flew right past my nose and landed directly on top of the red crate I was after. I jumped back, started that such a heavy object had flown so close to my face.
I lifted the flap on the recently gravity-impaired item and noted with dismay that the contents of the incredibly heavy cube that nearly crushed me was sand.
Sand. I was nearly killed by a box of sand.
What a way to go. I might as well get hit by a Geo Metro or get beaten to death by a 99-year-old woman. A box of sand? Come on.
That tore it for me, so from now on I’m off the sauce.
I’ve been clean for almost four days now (sparse clapping fills the room) and I’m sticking to it. My girlfriend Ash has been acting as my sponsor and I’m working through it.
Now, does anyone need a mannequin?

Posted by Rob Burgess at 05:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

When I lived in Indiana I lived in probably the most contentious congressional district in the country: the so-called "Bloody 9th." Over the previous three elections the seat has changed hands between Democrat Baron Hill and Republican Mike Sodrel as many times. This may have something to do with the fact that Bloomington (or as my dad calls it "The People's Republic of Bloomington"), a liberal stronghold, is thrown into the mix with it's surrounding rural, more conservative neighbors. Today, I found this story on the Associated Press wire that is apparently making headlines all over this crazy nation of ours...

Polygraphs proposed for Ind. congressional debate JASPER, Ind. (AP) — Two challengers for an Indiana congressional seat have agreed to be hooked up to lie detectors during a debate, but an official with the incumbent's party dismisses the idea as "bizarre." Ninth District Republican Party Chairman Larry Shickles on Wednesday proposed the political polygraphs for Democratic Rep. Baron Hill, GOP challenger Mike Sodrel and Libertarian candidate Eric Schansberg. The three are scheduled to debate Oct. 21, but an official with a debate co-sponsor said lie detectors won't be included. "Our planning committee worked up the format and rules, and we are not inviting negotiations from the candidates," Alan Johnson, dean of Vincennes University's Jasper Campus, told The Herald of Jasper. Shickles, in a letter sent Tuesday to 9th District Democratic Chairman Mike Jones, suggested that the candidates be hooked up to lie detecting machines at the Oct. 21 event or a separate debate. "While this format may be unusual, I feel strongly that voters need to be able to make a clear decision without all the usual spin," Shickles wrote. Sodrel's campaign said he would agree to the proposal, and Schansberg said he also would agree to wear a lie detector. Hill declined to comment. Jones said having a lie detector debate "just seems pretty bizarre." "Polygraphs have their use in law enforcement, but I don't see them fitting in a political debate," Jones said. "There are plenty of avenues for finding out each candidate's true position. The votes of both Baron Hill and Mike Sodrel are on record with Congress." The race pits Hill and Sodrel against each other for the fourth time. Sodrel unseated Hill in 2004, but Hill won the seat back in 2006.

Personally, I don't think this is such a bad idea. It'd be a heck of a lot more interesting that Tom Brokaw admonishing each candidate for taking too long in answering each pre-screened audience question in a "town hall" style debate.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 12:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

About two minutes after I arrived for work on Wednesday our News Assisant Chris McCartney handed me a white envelope with no return address on it.
I held it up to the light to see if there was something truly horrible inside like a bomb or anthrax or an album by the band Creed.
What I found inside was even more disturbing.
The entirety of the contents of the envelope were three neatly folded sheets of paper with two stories from the right wing Web site Newsmax.com printed on them, one of which was titled “Obama Attended Hate America Sermon.” (To their credit, at least they were environmentally conscious in their hate mail--they did print both sides of each page.)
According to the Wikipedia Web page on the author of both the articles that were sent to me, Ronald Kessler, the “Obama Attended Hate America Sermon” article incorrectly reported that Sen. Barack Obama attended a service at Chicago's Trinity United Church of Christ on July 22. It was later discovered by other, less terrible reporters that Sen. Obama was in transit to Miami on that day. (On a funny side note, shortly after the controversy broke, Kessler attempted to remove information documenting it from his Wikipedia biography, which apparently didn’t work since I just read it.)
The stamp on the upper right hand corner of the envelope had been canceled by the post office with a printed quote from John Adams that read “Let us dare to read, think, speak and write.” I found this extra ironic since the person who sent it to me had apparently done none of these things before dropping it in the mailbox. (Call me when you’ve found the courage to scribble down your own ideas and name, anonymous pen pal.)
As the letter was addressed to “House of Burgess” (as if the this was an actual building you could send mail to) I assumed it was in response to a recent column I wrote questioning the qualifications of Sen. John McCain’s running mate Gov. Sarah Palin.
As I’ve gradually grown an ever-thicker skin in response to this kind of correspondence, the letter itself didn’t really bother me, but the growing trend it represents does.
As Obama’s lead in the polls has grown during the last few days, so has the anger from a certain subset of Republicans.
“At a rally in Minnesota on Friday, a woman told McCain: ‘I don't trust Obama. I have read about him and he's an Arab,’” stated an article titled “Rage Rising on McCain Campaign Trail” on the Web site CNN.com.
At McCain/Palin campaign rallies during the last few days, some supporters have yelled out “treason,” “kill him” and “terrorist” at the mention of the Illinois senator.
“‘Obama Osama!’ one woman called out,” stated a portion of an article entitled “Panic attacks: Voters unload at GOP rallies” that was posted on the Web site Politico.com.
My editor, K.C. Meadows, has even encountered this frightening phenomenon on a local level.
“A local reader stopped by the office to show me something he had just purchased at the North State Street Republican Party Headquarters: a ‘$3 bill’ made to look like real US currency with Barack Obama's face on the front in Arabic headdress,” she wrote on her “Inside UDJ” blog.
The people who perpetuate this kind of garbage won’t say what they are, so I will: they are racists. They know they can’t come out and say they don’t want a black president so they have to make things up because it’s all they have to cling to.
Where's the proof that Obama is an extremist Muslim? Besides his partial African heritage there's no basis in reality for this claim. Obama is a devout Christian. And even if he was a Muslim, which he's not, so what? Just like there are extremist Christians who would gladly take sniper rifle to abortion doctors or a pipe bomb to gay bar there are extremist Muslims who do equally horrible things in the name of their God. It's unfair to paint everyone with that brush simply because of the actions of a few.
Keep in mind that I don’t think it’s wrong to question a candidate for their positions, nor I think all McCain’s supporters are like this. Indeed, to his credit, McCain has stymied such talk at his rallies.
“I want to be president of the United States, and I don't want Obama to be,” said McCain in response to one such attack. “But I have to tell you, I have to tell you, he is a decent person, and a person that you do not have to be scared as President of the United States.”
Unfortunately, McCain’s words will always on deaf ears.
“You won't be able to convince some people on Obama no matter how hard you try,” wrote my friend from back home Nick in an e-mail he sent me recently. “They believe he is a Muslim Manchurian Candidate. It's sad. I think most people use that as a front to the real truth about their biases.”
Given the prospect of facing The Great Depression: The Sequel just three years after leaving college, the fact that Obama has been surging in the polls has been the only piece of good news I’ve been hanging on to lately.
But after reading about how low these wing nuts are willing to go to I’m almost hoping he doesn’t win by such a large margin. At this point I hope it’s a squeaker for the sake of Obama and his family. There’s no telling what these people will do once they get even more desperate.
One of my favorite movies is 2001 film “Donnie Darko.” I won’t even try to explain the entire plot here, but there’s a scene where Patrick Swayze’s character is explaining that every decision people make is motivated either by fear or love.
And that’s all these people are clinging to with white knuckles: fear.

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RB: What is your position on the Harris Quarry project?
MD: I will be sitting in judgment on that project so I can’t give a decision today without seeing all the information that is presented and hearing from the public their position and their feelings on the project. I will say that I have consistently reminded the board that when we make policy decisions it is critical that we look at the economic impacts of those decisions. We talk about the need for jobs and for infrastructure improvements. When we make policy decisions we need to keep those impacts in mind.
RB: What has been your proudest achievement on the board?
MD: There’s a lot that I’ve done that I’m proud of. I would say more recently getting the community actions plans for Redwood Valley and Potter Valley funded and complete. Particularly the Potter Valley plan. The top priorities were maintaining the water supply and coming up with a community facility and that started as a vision that another parent and I had at a Little League game in Potter. And within a very short period of time it is now becoming a reality. And to have a community facility that will house rodeo grounds, indoor riding area, ball fields, a community center, a youth center and a county park, the first county park in Potter Valley, is, to me, a tremendous achievement.
RB: What about your biggest regret?
MD: The biggest regret would be not having the resources available to truly meet all of the needs of the citizens of this county. The needs are tremendous. Whether it’s new roads or repairing existing ones, water infrastructure, communication infrastructure, mental health services. All of the needs that are out there and not having the financial ability to meet them all is a huge challenge and it’s a challenge that every local government faces. It’s not unique to Mendocino County.
RB: What is an issue that is important to you that you feel isn’t being talked about in this campaign?
MD: A critical issue that is not getting as much attention is that of our water supply. Water has been a priority for me since I first got on the board and it continues to be more so today. I have been working with local leaders and representatives of the Round Valley Indian tribes and the Sonoma County Water Agency and state and federal officials on a proposal that will bring back some of the water that we lost in the (Federal Energy Regulatory Commission) decision reducing the flows from the Potter Valley project. That’s huge. And that has a potential to restore a considerable amount of water in the spring and summer and late fall in Lake Mendocino. That’s critical.
RB: Is it easier or more difficult to run as an incumbent, like yourself, or a newcomer?
MD: Clearly, the experience and knowledge that I have on the issues facing Mendocino County gives me the ability to better address those problems. This job requires somebody who has developed relationships in the county, in Sacramento and in Washington that can get the results to move Mendocino County forward. This is not the time for on-the-job training.
RB: What is the future of marijuana in Mendocino County and what do you think the board should do about it during the next few years?
MD: The board has spent a considerable amount of time discussing and debating the marijuana issue. Supervisor Wattenburger and I spent over a year on the Criminal Justice Committee listening to folks on both sides of the issue and bringing the myriad aspects of the problem back to the board for debate and decision. The board is made up of diverse interests and opinions on the marijuana problem. It is a problem. I drafted Measure B and was able to get the board to put it on the ballot. I’m proud of that. I am not a supporter of the abuses that are occurring in the marijuana arena. I’m concerned about where we might be going if the board changes. I see a tremendous amount of support from known growers for my opponent and the positions of others. This board has gone a long way to rein in the problem, but we need to go further. The culture today is not condusive to a healthy and safe environment for our communities and for our children.
RB: When I asked your opponent this next question she said that you “should have taken a leadership role quite some time ago on this issue.” Is the current board to blame for the high amount of debt the county now faces and what would you do about it if re-elected?
MD: The board put in place years ago a structured plan to reduce the debt. The debt is not unusual amongst local governments. The board took a responsible position of structuring payments and creating reserve funds to address the needs as a responsible business would do and that is the leadership that we have taken to address the issue. It is imperative that we be vigilant to maintain the schedules of payment and continue to reduce the debt. The Teeter debt is not owed to anyone. The Teeter debt is an accounting practice on our own books. We owe ourselves. It’s not a payment that needs to be made to another party. That’s a misconception by many that it’s money that the county actually owes to someone or something and that’s simply an internal accounting procedure.
RB: This year’s budget hearings were extremely contentious and many different suggestions for a solution were thrown out at the 11th hour. Is this healthy and how should the board do things differently in the future?
MD: The budget process was actually a year-long process. We had numerous budget meetings and workshops throughout the year. Every quarter we received reports, we gave direction and what we discussed and debated in the final budget hearings was basically the crumbs of a $225 million budget. So the bulk of the work had been done. What we were discussing at the end of the period was ‘how do we make some of the policy decisions that have budgetary implications?’ The budget was balanced and each of have a different idea of how we would balance that on our own, but collectively, working together, again, throughout the year we were able to have a balanced budget that met the bulk of our needs.
Another part on that: the county has gone through six CEOs in almost as many years. It’s critically important to have continuity from one budget year to the next in developing that document. Because of the constant turnover we have not had that luxury of consistent management by our CEO.
RB: The results in your race in the June primaries were exceedingly close. How do you account for that?
MD: We had a very low turnout for the June primary. Folks were coming off of a February primary a few months before and with very little on the ballot other than Measure B. Obviously, the turnout will be much greater with the historical presidential election before us.
RB: How would you sum up your platform for potential voters?
MD: The priorities that I have and have always had are public safety, our water and infrastructure needs and economic development. My record is very clear on my achievements in those areas as well as many other areas. This is a job that requires somebody to work with their colleagues, work with other leaders in the county and in Washington and Sacramento. The relationships that are developed over time are critical to making things happen here locally. I have that ability. I have developed those relationships over time and they have paid great dividends for us here. We need to continue to ensure that our communities and neighborhoods are safe, they’re free from crime associated with illegal drugs and our children are safe to walk or ride their bikes to and from school and we need to know that we have deputies that are available to respond to any call. We need to know that we have the adequate water supplies to meet our needs of our homes, our businesses and our agriculture and without it our businesses can’t grow, our crops can’t grow and our children are going to have to grow somewhere else. And when we make decisions on the board we need to be cognoscente of the economic impacts of those decisions made and to continue to create the jobs and the environment here that is condusive to business development both new business and expansion of existing businesses.
RB: Is there anything else you’d like to add that I didn’t ask you about?
MD: We have a very diverse county. It’s diverse geographically. It’s diverse culturally. It’s diverse philosophically. And that diversity is represented on the board. The board works well together to bring those varied interests to the table and makes decisions that best represent the county and its citizens. I have represented my district extremely well and I am proud of the record I have over my tenure on the board. It is critical in these times to have the experience and knowledge and leadership to bring us through. These are tough times and proven leadership is going to be critical to move Mendocino County through this and into the future. I’m proud to have been elected to represent the 1st District and I will be humbled and honored to have that opportunity once again to continue the successes we’ve achieved.

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RB: What is your position on the Harris Quarry project?
CB: I believe that the business owner that has the Harris Quarry has tried to locate in two properly zoned areas industrial zoned already in this county and was encouraged by the board of supervisors to actually go up to the ridge where the Harris Quarry is located. I’m not knowledgeable totally on the EIR on that project and I would have to reserve a position until I’m able to get all the information.
RB: Name one decision your opponent has made during his tenure that you vehemently disagree with.
CB: I would say that I attended a joint meeting on the Ukiah Valley Area Plan of the city council and the board of supervisors and my opponent was leaning very heavily towards converting vineyard land on Lover’s Lane into a housing development of anywhere from 500 to 800 homes. I do strongly disagree with that. Also, I do not believe that the footprint of Masonite should have a shopping mall in that location, nor should it have home development and he was leaning towards the rezoning of both those properties.
RB: What about one you agreed with?
CB: I would say that it would have to have been the grading ordinance. It was in development for quite some time. It came out as a discretional document ordinance rather than a ministerial. That could have cost the county up to $500,000 a year. I agree with his decision to have it tabled.
RB: What is an issue that is important to you that you feel isn’t being talked about in this campaign?
CB: The county debt. It’s an enormous issue for our county, not only today, but it’s going to be an issue well into the future. They have not properly addressed their legal obligations to the pension fund and they are not, and I say they, although I would like to say that my opponent is the longest-serving supervisor on the board and should take a strong leadership role, that they have not addressed paying down the Teeter Plan and continually use it to fund their general fund.
RB: I asked for questions from our readers and this is one from Don Rowe: “What distinguishes an outstanding supervisor from one who is merely competent?”
CB: I believe what distinguishes me from my opponent in the ability to be an outstanding supervisor is all the work that I have done. I’ve had a lifetime of community service which has brought me together with many people of diverse interests throughout our county. I believe I have the ability to listen, to unite groups and to move forward on solutions for the critical issues we face.
RB: Is it easier or more difficult to run as a newcomer instead of an incumbent like your opponent?
CB: I believe it is easier for an already elected office holder that it is for a newcomer to enter the political arena, especially at a county board of supervisors level where there is so much to know and so much to learn…But I believe that I am one of the best qualified newcomers, candidates to run for supervisor having already having a lot of the knowledge.
RB: What is the future of marijuana in Mendocino County and what do you think the board should do about it during the next few years?
CB: If there was a way, I believe that the legalization of marijuana should be done. It has created a huge problem for this county. I believe that the present ordinance with the 25 plant limitation seems to be working. I am very pleased that we have had both federal and state law enforcement coming to eradicate the big, large, commercial grows of marijuana in our national forest as well as on private lands throughout the county. We need to wait to see what happens with the lawsuit before any further regulation is attempted.
RB: Is the current board to blame for the high amount of debt the county now faces and what would you do about it if elected?
CB: I do believe that the current board is responsible for some of the high amount of debt the county now faces. I do believe that my opponent, who is the veteran on the board, should have taken a leadership role quite some time ago on this issue. And I believe he said during the 11th hour when they were readdressing budget issues that he told his colleagues ‘the public is wise, we can no longer hide it’ and he was referring to the county debt. I wouldn’t hide it and I would get citizens involved that are very knowledgeable in this area to get us out of problems we face with the county debt today.
RB: This year’s budget hearings were extremely contentious and many different suggestions for a solution were thrown around at the 11th hour. Is this healthy and how would you do things differently if elected?
CB: I would instruct staff to bring the information that is needed. County finances are extremely difficult to understand being as big and as broad as they are. I would not have waited until the 11th hour. The information that should have been discussed should have happened June, July or August and if the information wasn’t available at that time I would have called a special meeting to get that information and would not have proceeded without it.
RB: The results in your race in the June primaries were exceedingly close. How do you account for that?
CB: I think the constituents of the first district want a supervisor that will provide the leadership that we need today and I think that they want someone like me that is the type of person that we need now. Again, I’m not a career politician. I’m an individual that wants to give back to my county and work on the change that is needed.
RB: How would you sum up your platform for potential voters?
CB: Well, I think it’s a very critical time to address the county finances including the mounting debt. I will address the need for solutions to our infrastructure that includes adequate water supply. We need economic development and to have that you’ve got to have an adequate infrastructure.
RB: Is there anything else you’d like to add that I didn’t ask you about?
CB: I would like to add the responsibility that a 1st District supervisor has in also being a part and attending special district meetings. Ukiah Valley Sanitation District is one example of where my opponent has not paid attention and has not taken the responsibility he should have had representing the constituents as a director on that particular board. I was amazed that an audit hadn’t been done for 10 years. When they decided to finally catch up those audits they lumped five years together. The CPA was unable to sign off on that particular audit for the lack of paperwork to back it. That was the responsibility of the current directors, which one is my opponent, who has sat at least 11 of the last 12 years on that board. To me it is criminal when you don’t take care of the people’s business.

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RB: What is your position on the Harris Quarry project?
EC: As a consulting botanist on that project for the EIR I don't know if it's appropriate for me to take a position now or when selected.
RB: Both you and John are against the Mendocino Crossings development. What differences are there, if any, between the approaches you plan to take on the property's future?
EC: To stimulate development specifically manufacturing and light industrial projects on that site the county could assist by performing the needed paperwork and working to do the needed study so that a future applicant would know the property is ready for their proposed project.
RB: Now that Measure B is off the ballot what do you think is the most important issue on the table?
EC: The budget. It's not a pretty picture at the county, state or national level, but we are in a situation where we're dealing with a legacy of debt at the county and I'm concerned about increases to that debt given the financial instability we're experiencing in our country and how that could be impacting the retirement fund or the state resources coming our way.
RB: I asked John why a number of traditionally conservative local figures like Jim Wattenburger and Jim Mulheren were endorsing you and he said that it was because they just don't like him. How do you respond to that?
EC: I think that people see me as someone that seeks to represent all the people in the district and that I'm respectful and I listen. I'm approachable and although I have strong values I am going to represent the diversity of the 2nd district.
RB: In response to Wattenburger's endorsement of your campaign, John issued a statement that read: "(I) initially decided to run for Supervisor to oppose the harmful projects planned for Masonite and Lover's Lane which Supervisor Wattenburger has identified as the 'preferred alternative' for the Ukiah Valley Area Plan. Therefore, it's no surprise he chose to endorse my opponent…(I prefer) keeping agricultural land in production and prime industrial land available for living wage jobs." How do you respond to that?
EC: It doesn't seem like a logical conclusion that that is why Wattenburger would endorse me given my disapproval of those two zoning changes. In Wattenburger's words, he found that I would take a 'reasoned approach' and I find that people from all political spectrums find confidence in my ability to evaluate the issues at hand and make my decisions in a reasoned manner.
RB: What is an issue that is important to you that you feel isn't being talked about in this campaign?
EC: I think energy is an issue that is not being discussed in this campaign that is going to become a very large national topic in the years to come because our industrial society is very much structured and built on cheap petroleum. As we pass the peak of petroleum production we will be needing to restructure our economy.
RB: Is it easier or more difficult to run as a newcomer rather than an already elected office holder like your opponent?
EC: It would depend on the individual.
RB: This question is from Joel Levine, of Ukiah: "How would you protect the remaining retirement funds of county retirees?"
EC: The board of supervisors must oversee retirement fund management. Ultimately, they are the ones responsible to the retirees and with market changes as of late there are real concerns around a more open dialogue and I will see that any recent losses are addressed immediately and that we secure our remaining funds in stable market investments.
RB: What is the future of marijuana in Mendocino County and what do you think the board should do about it in the next few years?
EC: The board of supervisors should work to make clear guidelines with appropriate enforcement measures and ideally we can work towards a state system of regulation so that there is more stability.
RB: How would you sum up your platform for Ukiah voters?
EC: My strong resource management background will give me the tools to take proactive, positive steps to improve the quality and character of our urban and natural environments here in Mendocino County. There are many communities that have adopted updated codes and guidelines to allow for improved environmental resource protections and enhancements and it is my education and experience identifying and protecting sensitive habitats as well as my commitment to adopting improved design standards that I am offering to this community.
RB: Is there anything you'd like to add that I didn't ask you about?
EC: Well, aside from land use, I bring a strong management background as a project manager. I supervised budgets and timelines for large and small projects that require open lines of communications between clients, agencies and, at times, other technical experts. I'm ready to agendize and prioritize issues and work on our general plan update and bring the community's voice into the process.

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Note: This is the first in a series of four questions and answer sessions conducted with the candidates for the two county board of supervisors seats on the ballot next month. Tomorrow's will be with John McCowen's opponent Estelle Palley Clifton.

By ROB BURGESS

The Daily Journal

RB: I asked some of our readers to send us in questions, as you know, and here's one from Roni McFadden, of Willits: "Of major concern in this county are our resources. For the Board of Supervisors to be able to change zoning laws in a "willy nilly" fashion is a detriment. Many people want to know the candidate's position on protecting our natural resources. Specifically, how would they vote on changing the zoning laws to allow an asphalt processing facility at the top of the Ridgewood Grade, the top of the watershed of two major rivers. As well as next to one of our county's greatest tourist attractions, the Ridgewood Ranch. Should the county change zoning for the benefit of one company?"

JM: Well, unfortunately that's been one of the problems historically in Mendocino County is the planning process tends to be driven by the next application that walks through the door. I think that's a very short sighted way to do land-use planning. With regard to the specific project at the Ridgewood Grade, I haven't taken a position of the project itself. I have not visited the site. I do have serious concerns about it, based on the introduction of significant new impacts to a very rural area. I have heard from numerous residents who are very concerned about the project. I have been endorsed by a number of residents in the immediate area because they know I will take a fair look at that project and I will not approve it if it creates significant negative impacts that can't be mitigated…I have a very strong record on protection of our natural resources. That's why Greg Nelson, the ag. rep. to the planning commission, has endorsed me. Karen Calvert, the forestry representative to the planning commission, has endorsed me. Jim Little, who was the chief forester for Harwood (Lumber), has also endorsed me. As well as Ed Berry, a grape grower and Bill Smith, a retired professional forester.

RB: Both you and Estelle have voiced your opposition to the Mendocino Crossings development. What differences are there, if any, between the approaches you plan to take on the property's future?

JM: Well I think one difference is that I have a four year track record of opposing large, out of scale development at the Masonite site that would be detrimental to the city of Ukiah and to the Ukiah Valley. I've been a leader on the city council in opposing the Rider Homes project, the Mendocino Crossings project, the previous draft Ukiah Valley Area Plan, which provided for significant inappropriate growth and development in that area. So I have a track record of standing firm against these ill-conceived plans. I also have over eight years of planning experience on the county planning commission where I've learned how to make the appropriate arguments, both to staff and to my fellow board members, if I'm elected, to ensure that we have at least three votes to oppose developments that are inappropriate. So I have a clear record of leadership on these issues. I've been firm from the beginning that Masonite should stay zoned industrial to provide for living wage jobs for the future. Lovers Lane should remain zoned agricultural to preserve the agricultural land base.

RB: Now that Measure B is off the ballot what do you think is the most important issue on the table?

JM: I think the most important issue facing the Ukiah Valley, is issues of growth and development and the key to this is city-county cooperation and a tax-sharing agreement. I have been a strong advocate for a tax sharing agreement because it's clear to me that is the only way the city and county are ever going to get to a position where we have true regional planning for land use, again, instead of making decisions based on the next application that walks in the door in the hope of getting sales tax revenue, we could enter an era where the city and county, based on extensive citizen input, would actually have one plan, one vision for patterns of growth and development in the city, and in the valley, so that we could plan for it in a way that protects our current rural quality of life and provides adequate mitigations for traffic circulation, sewer, water, etc. And with regional planning in place and city-county cooperation we would also be able to cooperate for economic development, for housing policy, water policy, improved public safety, more efficient delivery of services, right on down the line.

RB: A lot of traditionally conservative local figures have been endorsing your opponent including Jim Wattenburger and Jim Mulheren. How do you account for this fact?

JM: I think it may have more to do with the fact that they don't like me. These high-profile recent converts to my opponent's campaign share one thing in common: They have been opposed to me and to my policies for appropriate planning for years…I would balance their support for my opponent with the support of many other community members who might be thought to be conservative who support me because they realize I take a balanced approach to issues of planning and development.

RB: What is an issue that is important to you that you feel isn't being talked about in this campaign?

JM: Well, so far there has been very little discussion of the county budget and the county long-term debt structure. The county currently has a long-term debt of $140 million. Additionally, it's my understanding that there is an unfunded liability for health care and for county retirees of $160 million or more. But even the existing acknowledged long-term debt I believe equates to the highest per capita debt per resident of any county in California. I think this is a huge problem. I think the question of unfunded liabilities for retirees and health care is one that has been scarcely acknowledged over the years except when the county is forced to issue pension obligation bonds which they did in 1996. They did it again in 2002 and with the current unfunded liabilities might have to do it again. Each time we fail to keep pace with the appropriate payments for these obligations and have to issue pension obligation bonds, we are robbing against the future. We are impairing our ability to provide current services today…We have to address this problem. We have to get it right. Otherwise, the future is very bleak for the county economically.

RB: What is your greatest triumph on the city council?

JM: I can't single out one. There's been a number of accomplishments. Some of them are still a work in progress. Some things we've done that I've been proud of, we got the Lake Mendocino hydro-electric project up and running. It's producing power. It is generating revenue for city. It had lain dormant for eight years when I came on the council. We also adopted reasonable ordinances to protect against aggressive panhandling. This addressed a tremendous problem that everyone was complaining about four years ago when I first came on the council. We adopted the ordinances, the problem almost immediately resolved itself. We reopened city hall on Fridays to provide better service to the public. We have made available city agendas and staff reports online, again, to better serve the public. We are currently in the middle of a strategic planning process for the city so that we can reform the city does business to establish clear priorities for capital improvement project. And I have also been responsible for opening up city boards and committees to greater participation by county residents which, again, is in line with my belief that most residents of the valley don't see a hard and fast line between city and county. They just want to see the city and county work together to provide services in an efficient manner.

RB: What about your greatest regret?

JM: My greatest regret would probably be having to vote to accept the contract for the waste water expansion project. Unfortunately, at the time that project went out to bid, it was a very uncompetitive bid environment. We only got two bids. At the time, we held off approving the bid while then mayor Ishiku and current mayor Crane as a council sub-committee reviewed the project in detail trying to find ways to scale back the project, find economies wherever they could. Our hope was to go back out to bid, hopefully get a more favorable bid. Unfortunately, by the time we were prepared to go back out to bid it was an even less competitive bid environment. This was in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Rita, the ever-increasing demand for steel and concrete by China. After very careful consideration and consultation with a number of experts the council determined that if we went back out to bid we could easily get a bid for $10 million more than what we were faced with. At that point, we reluctantly approved the contract, as did the members of the Ukiah Valley Sanitation District Board of Directors. It was one of the most unpleasant votes that I've ever had to take, perhaps the most unpleasant, as well as the rate increases that were needed to pay for the project. Unfortunately, we all felt that we had no real choice but to go forward. We were under the gun from the State Water Resources Control Board to update the plant according to their requirements. Failure to do so would have resulted in heavy fines and we would have eventually had to upgrade the plant anyway.

RB: You recently attended a meeting with the residents and the manager of Harold's Square mobile home park. What was your role in that situation and what do you think can be done in similar situations?

JM: I had heard from some of the residents of the mobile home park that they were being charged an exorbitant rate for water and sewer. To get more information, which is my usual approach to situations, I went down and talked to the park managers. Based on what the residents had been telling me I suspected there was a mistake in the way that the bills were being calculated. And in fact, the park management, once they looked into it, confirmed that the residents were being billed for sewer based on current month's water usage instead of January water usage which is how they should have been calculating the bill. So the park management is making that correction and will issue a credit to the tenants. There's a bigger question about the way in which the parks are passing the utility charges through to the park residents. The city charges the mobile home park based on one rate and the park, it appears to me, or in fact, it's clear to me, are charging the tenants based on another rate. For example, in the case of sewer, the city charges the park based at the low-strength commercial rate and there is no monthly minimum charge. The park is turning around and charging each of the residents a monthly minimum charge of $41.31 plus a usage charge. So, we have a situation of apples and oranges. And I have asked that this item be put on the city council agenda for Oct. 17 so that the city council can discuss the issue and give direction to staff if they wish to do so. And the direction that I hope we will go in is to adopt an ordinance, if necessary, to ensure that they sewer and water charges that we charge to the parks are passed through to the tenants at the same rate.

RB: Is it easier or more difficult to run as an already elected office holder rather than a newcomer?

JM: Well, traditional wisdom says that an incumbent has the advantage. Of course, I'm not an incumbent for the office I'm seeking. So in that sense, I'm a newcomer to seeking that position. I think that an incumbent has an advantage of name recognition. They may have certain contacts that can be helpful to them. However, an incumbent also has the disadvantage of having made a series of votes and every time you take a vote you have the chance to offend someone. And I have found out that for some people if you vote the wrong way on one issue you never get a second chance. So I think the issue of being an incumbent or not certainly cuts both ways.

RB: How would you sum up your platform for Ukiah voters?

JM: The heart of my platform is that it's time to break the bureaucratic gridlock that has existed for 30 years between the city and county. For 30 years the city and county have failed to reach agreement on a tax sharing plan. Only if we reach such an agreement will we be able to have true regional planning and cooperation…With regional land-use planning in place we can make decisions on where development should go based on the impacts to sewer, water, traffic, infrastructure, how services will be provided, how the impacts to the community will best be mitigated. These are the kinds of questions we should be asking when we are making a blueprint for future growth and development. Currently, we are not asking these questions because both the city and county are in competition for sales tax revenue. Who get the money is a poor way to do land use planning. It shortchanges the public. It also creates an environment where developers can play one jurisdiction off another. And again, in that environment, the jurisdiction is tempted to either not require appropriate mitigations or have the tax payers pay for them instead of the developers. I believe I'm the only candidate that offers a clear plan to end the 30-year-deadlock that has characterized the last 30 years in this valley.

RB: Estelle and her supports feel that it was unfair to imply that she changed her position on Masonite because she was endorsed by Wattenburger. How do you respond to that?

JM: I did not imply in any way that she changed her position. I simply pointed out my position and my position has been clear from the beginning.

RB: What do you think the future of marijuana is in Mendocino County and what do you think the board should do about that in the next few years?

JM: Well marijuana, obviously, has become a very divisive issue in the county. We certainly found that out with Measure B. I was a little naive at the beginning of the campaign. It seemed fairly strait forward to me: repeal Measure G, which I believe was a bad law, and adopt Measure B, which simply put us in line with the state limits which are not really limits because any patient could have the specified amounts or what their doctor recommended. And of course now that Measure B has passed it's a little bit up in the air. It's clear that it did repeal Measure G, however the section on plant limits has been stayed pending a decision in the Kelly case by the state supreme court. I think the voters of the county showed that they are very concerned about uncontrolled commercial growing. Many of the people who voted against Measure B acknowledged that they believed there was a problem. The intention of Measure B was to go after the large, commercial growers and I think that law enforcement has interpreted it in that way, which, again, what was intended. But I don't think we'll see a real solution, a comprehensive solution to the marijuana problem until we end federal prohibition. Once we're able to end federal prohibition we can tax and regulate marijuana pretty much the same way we do alcohol and tobacco. In the meantime, I do support legitimate medical marijuana, but I don't think that marijuana cultivation should be allowed to endanger the public safety of innocent neighbors. I do think that the cultivation ordinance adopted by the board restricting marijuana cultivation to 25 plants per parcel is a step in the right direction. It'll be interesting to see how well that is enforced and what impact it has. I think this is an issue that the board will have to take up in the future to continue to strive to protect the rights of medical marijuana patients while ensuring that marijuana cultivation is not harmful to neighbors, to our community and to the environment

RB: Is there anything else you'd like to add?

JM: I would like to congratulate Estelle Clifton for running a hard and smart campaign. I think it's very much an open question who will get the most votes on Election Day. That is very much to her credit. I would hope that the voters would consider the experience that I would bring to the position. Part of the problem at the county board of supervisors is the failure of the board members to recognize that it is their responsibility to work together to make decisions that are in the public interest. I have a 20-year record of participating on numerous public and non-profit boards and committees. I have earned a reputation for hard work, for being well-informed, for fairly considering every application that comes before us. I have a solid record of working together with my fellow board members to form consensus to make decisions that are in the public interest. On those occasions where we are not able to reach consensus, we consider it issue by issue, we take a vote and we move on to the next issue. It's imperative that the new board be able to focus on the issues and not the personalities.

---

After I got done retyping this 26-minute-long, 3,000-words-plus conversation I saw that I had a new message in my inbox from McCowen adding a few extra points which I will now paste here:

"We need to rebuild our traditional resource based economy. We need to protect agricultural land. I also believe we can have a strong forest products industry based on sustainable logging practices. We need to protect industrial zoning to preserve the opportunity for value added processes like milling and manufacturing so that logs grown in Mendocino County don't go down the highway on the back of a truck. Mendocino County grapes should also be processed here at home as much as possible. A profitable and sustainable agricultural and timber based economy is one of the keys to protecting our small town character and rural quality of life."

"There is one more thing I would like to say. Because I am self-employed, I have heard it said that I don't work. In fact, I work as much as I ever did. Growing up in Ukiah I picked prunes and pears and did yard work. As a self-employed landscaper, house painter and "hands on" property manager I frequently worked 12 hours a day seven days a week when the situation called for it. I still go in and do the heavy lifting to get a place cleaned up when I have a vacancy. The difference now is that much of my time is taken up with working on behalf of the community. In addition to volunteer graffiti and river clean up, I put in a lot of hours attending meetings and researching issues for the City Council. I am often one of the few people not paid to be at a meeting. My pay is the knowledge that I gain and the opportunity to make a difference. If anyone thinks I don't work, I encourage them to follow me around some day."

"I encourage the voters to take a look at my list of endorsers. No matter where you think you are on the social or political spectrum, you will see the names of people you know. I am supported by people who have worked with me on the City Council, on the City and County Planning Commissions and on numerous other boards and committees. I am also supported by numerous employee associations, public safety professionals, senior citizens, and City and County residents. They endorse me because they know I will put the public interest first."

Posted by Rob Burgess at 07:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Starting Thursday, we’ll be running individual profiles of each of the four candidates running for the two county supervisor seats up for election next month.
Next week, we’ll attempt to do the same thing with each of the seven candidates for the sanitation district’s five open seats.
Once again I turn to you, faithful reader, to supplement the questions I have for these 13 hopefuls with your own queries.
This time will be a bit different, though.
It won’t be like the candidate surveys we published in May in that I’m not putting together a standardized form each candidate fills out and then sends back. Instead, I’m simply looking for some direction from readers as to what questions they would ask were they in my position to add to my own concerns.
Though the positions of the candidates for the Mendocino County Board of Supervisors may be well-known, a lot has changed for Carre Brown, Estelle Palley Clifton, Michael Delbar and John McCowen since the June election. Measure B is no longer on the ballot. An avalanche of endorsements have been awarded in every direction. In essence, the playing field has shifted since spring.
For the first time in its 54-year history, the Ukiah Valley Sanitation District board will not only be elected instead of appointed, but will also be expanded by two members. Water continues to be a top priority for the area, a fact that isn’t likely to change during the tenures of those who are elected Nov. 4.
Think of this like a job interview. These people are applying for a position where you, the citizen, are the boss. Hit them with your best shot.
Come up with something really clever and send it to me by e-mail at udjrb@pacific.net. Make sure you put either the words “supervisor questions” or “sanitation district questions” in the subject line.
Since you’re probably reading this on the same day I sit down for my first interview, your deadline is yesterday. Make sure to send your questions in as soon as possible.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing what you come up with.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 11:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If actually being God is anything like playing the computer game “The Sims,” then the gig is filled with mundane, repetitious tasks broken up only by moments of extreme terror and panic.
That's not to say I don't enjoy playing what has become the bestselling PC game in history, it's just that I feel telling my Sims to use the bathroom and then wash their hands is just about as exciting as getting up from the game and doing the same thing in real life.
The Sims is an open-ended computer game where you lead the tiny people you control through their daily lives and, with any luck, fulfill their desires and aspirations.
But there's there a lot of bathroom breaks along the way.
Sometimes playing the Sims kind of reminds of this “Saturday Night Live” skit from 1994 where they have this fake commercial for the “Virtual Reality Book.”
“The book,” intones fake spokesperson Michael McKean. “Simple. Uncomplicated. Almost primitive. In an age of fiber-optics and laser technology, books have just been left behind. That is, 'til now.”
The joke is that even though the virtual reality book requires a bulky, expensive headset, the virtual book looks exactly like the real thing, except only two words will fit on each page.
“Welcome to the ultimate reading experience,” says McKean over the image of a virtual hand crossing over to turn the page of the virtual book. “Look left..There's a lamp. Look right..an end table. Look up. Look down. Your journey begins as you turn the page...It's like reading a book in your living room - only better!”
My girlfriend Ash has been playing the Sims for years and has been trying to get me interested as I have been a skeptic of the game for some time. When I finally did start playing, I was less than thrilled with the first batch of Sims I had cooked up.
I don't remember any of their names off the top of my head (probably because I now hate them), but the guy I created met his future wife at the hospital they both worked at. He was an intern or a male nurse or something and she was a doctor who just randomly followed him home one day, so I was pretty stoked--and not just because of how much money she was making.
Then things started to go awry.
My woman became pregnant, but it was a hard one for her. She would fall asleep in her bowl of cereal mid-bite because he energy would drain out of her. Instead of helping, her husband just continued to revel at his success in the video game he was playing. She would throw up and wet herself and while I was helping her clean it up, he’d be taking a nap.
Once the baby was born things didn't improve much. The husband entered the dreaded “elder” stage and his hair became bone white and his life bar jumped far closer to death. In addition, both the parents and the nanny would leave the kid on the floor whenever I wasn't looking to do stuff they wanted to do.
By their very nature the Sim people are lazy, stupid, dirty, trifling creatures (you know, kind of like real people) but these Sims were intolerable even by normal standards, so I gave up on them.
It was months before I was done mourning the failure of my first Sim family when Ash asked me to try the game again. Having spent several hours of real time moving their plot forward since then, I am happy to report that no children have been neglected and no animal control officers have stopped by to reclaim any malnourished pets (which unfortunately did happen once to my other family.)
I think having a good Sim family to control probably makes most of the difference in whether or not you enjoy the game or not. The real trick is to turn off the “free will” feature that allows them to have a mind of their own. Unfortunately, this also requires you to be extra vigalent on the basic survival front because with this setting on the Sims are starve themselves if you don't tell them to eat, even if they are standing right next to the fridge.
Now if you’ll excuse me, my bladder meter is a bit low -- I have to order myself to use the restroom and then wash my hands so I can get back in the green.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Here is a partial transcript of the recent Katie Couric/Sarah Palin one-on-one that aired a few nights ago:

COURIC: Why isn’t it better, Governor Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries? Allow them to spend more and put more money into the economy? Instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?

PALIN: That’s why I say, I like every American I’m speaking with were ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the tax payers looking to bailout.

But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up the economy– Helping the — Oh, it’s got to be about job creation too. Shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americas.

And trade we’ve got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive scary thing. But 1 in 5 jobs being created in the trade sector today. We’ve got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation.

This bailout is a part of that.

As CNN's Jack Cafferty put it, "If John McCain wins this woman will be one 72-year-old's heartbeat away from being President of the United States. And if that doesn't scare the hell out of you, it should."

Posted by Rob Burgess at 11:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

First, read this...

MONTPELIER, Vt. (AP) — Ice cream made from breast milk? That's what the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream to consider making. The Virginia-based nonprofit group sent a letter to company co-founders Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield on Tuesday asking them to use human breast milk instead of cow's milk in their products. PETA said the health of consumers and cows would benefit from the switch. Ben & Jerry's spokesman Rob Michalak said the company applauds PETA's creative approach to bring attention to an issue, but believes that a mother's milk is best used by a child.

A number of problems come to mind:
1) YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!
2) I'm not opposed to adults consuming human breast milk in theory. Were it some I knew and trusted I would probably take at least consider taking a sip of their breast milk if it were offered to me. I am not, however, sure that I would approve of this in a large-scale industrial setting.
3) Is PETA suggesting we only recruit lactating mothers during the time they actually need to produce milk for their babies on a rotating basis, or should we assume that these mothers will be forced to lactate long after their children are gone?
4) What kind of screening process are we going to have for those lactating mothers who are crazy enough to sign up for this? I can't imagine the ratio of normal people to nuts would even be close in a population of people who would voluntarily become part of Ben and Jerry's Milk Brigade.
5) Has anyone at PETA ever actually made breast milk ice cream? Is it possible? Does it even taste good?
6) How did this idea get this far anyway? This sounds like something someone thinks right before they go to sleep and never, ever tells anyone about.

I think the main problem I have with PETA is that agree with them on a whole host of issues: I am against inflicting unnecessary pain on animals or humiliating them for our entertainment. However, PETA also uses outrageous tactics, such as this latest breast milk fiasco, to get their points across that ends up alienating more people than they bring over to their side.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 01:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of the end of the world. You have to admit, it is quite a concept: the thought of everything collapsing all at once like that.
Due to our shared interests in zombie movies, my college roommate and I would often trade schemes for our own survival were the dead to ever arise hungry for that living flesh. He even had a 9mm handgun that he kept locked up under his bed that he made me swear not to tell his mom about. (Apparently, she never let him play with toy guns when he was a kid and he now has an insatiable desire for firepower -- concerned parents everywhere should make note of this fact.)
“Well, all I know is that I’ve got a gun and enough ammunition to get us to Wal-Mart,” he would say, weapon in hand during these conversations.
I’ve always had an affinity for this line of thought, but I bristle at the idea of some pre-destined date of destruction prophesied by the ancients.
I bring this up because in the last two weeks I’ve had three different people who I don’t normally think are crazy separately tell me that some sort of global “shift” will occur on December 21, 2012.
I’m sure there are many other facets to the 12-21-12 idea, but in a nutshell the logic behind it is this:
The Mayan calendar has many divisions of time: months of 20 days, years of 360 days, katun of 7200 days and a baktun of 144,000 days. Their calendar started on August 12, 3114 B.C. with the birth of Venus. They expected the world to last for exactly 13 baktun cycles. They anticipated the end of the world near the Winter Solstice of 2012.
Wanting to know more about this phenomenon, I typed the date into the search bar and this is the first thing that came up was the Web site www.december212012.com.
If the folks who run the Web site are actually worried about the author of life finishing our final chapter four years from now, you wouldn’t know it by taking a look over the attached online store.
“THE END is coming, so why not go out in style with your very own Official ‘2012 THE END’ Tee Shirt?” asks the description of one of the site’s products rhetorically.
In addition to clothing, which includes maternity sizes for all you mothers expecting apocalypse babies out there, they offer everything from commemorative 2012 beer steins to “Let’s Get Ready to Rapture” kitchen aprons to mousepads with a picture of a flaming meteoroid heading straight towards Earth on it. (Just what I’ve always wanted.)
I don't know about you, but I’ve got my Christmas shopping done. (Who said the possible destruction of the earth ever stopped anyone from trying to make a buck?)
If you’re still not convinced about the validity of this whole idea they’ve got a small cadre of celebrity supporters to back all this up. Actor Mel Gibson and rapper Lil’ Wayne have apparently dropped some knowledge on the subject in at least one interview and Montell Williams did a whole show about it last year. This list, which also includes actress Shirley MacLaine and self-proclaimed time-traveler, baseball legend and all-around crazy person Darren Daulton, is a loose association of entertainers as apparently inclusion on the list only requires a passing public interest in the subject. (You can e-mail the site's web master if you know of any more).
If you want to get right down to it, though, the beauty of the 12-21-12 idea is its simplicity.
“If there's one thing I learned in ‘Nam--” says John Goodman’s character Walter in the movie “The Big Lebowski,” “if the plan gets too complex something always goes wrong.” (It should be noted that not two minutes later in the film Walter has enacted his plan by bailing out of a moving car, his accidentally dropped Uzi submachine gun firing in every direction as it bounces on the pavement after him.)
The December212012 Network says it can’t give us a clear picture of what is supposed to happen in 1,548 days, but that’s sort of the point.
“I don’t think anyone can honestly tell you what exactly is going to happen on December 21, 2012,” stated a portion of the Web site’s “Frequently Asked Questions” page. “Although this date may not necessarily mark the end of the world, it is widely believed that it may indeed mark the end of the world ‘as we know it.’”
Bases covered! A look over the countless wrong predictions of the end of time throughout human history reveals a fatal flaw in their logic: they got too exact with their details about what was to occur.
My favorite historical example of this phenomenon is known as “The Great Disappointment” and that’s mostly because I think the title of this event is so awesomely descriptive that I barely feel I have to explain it further.
To make a long story short, “The Great Disappointment” took place in the 19th century when William Miller, a Baptist preacher, prophesied that Jesus Christ would return to the earth during the year 1844. A more specific date, that of October 22, 1844, was calculated by Samuel S. Snow.
Spoiler alert: It didn’t happen.
I had my own less-than-great version of this happen to me during the Y2K scare and as a proud conspiracy theorist and long-time amateur end-times scholar I feel this sort of “Pin-the-Date-on-the-Apocalypse” party game is distracting.
I’m not saying the date is necessarily wrong, even though I think it probably is, I’m simply saying it doesn’t matter. What is with mankind's obsession with trying to guess when the world will end when no amount of preparation will help if it does and everyone who went around telling us the sky is falling are only going to be embarrassed if it doesn’t? What's the point?
Even if I could I wouldn't want to know the day that I was going to die. I don't think it would help me and would only serve to freak me out. I'd count down the days and fret and worry instead of enjoying the time I had left.
Why wring your hands and worry about the exact moment the father hen will call his chickens home? Why not just accept that the end is always near, do what you can to reasonably prepare now and live your life to fullest as if that day will be tomorrow?
Besides, all you really need to know is: You see a zombie, you aim for the head.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 04:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I was walking home for lunch Thursday with my sunglasses and my headphones on when I passed a slender woman pushing a stroller the opposite direction on the sidewalk.
As I made my way by her, I saw one eyebrow raise slightly and her lips move. I couldn’t hear what she had said, so I removed the tiny speaker from one of my ears and turned around.
“What’s that?” I asked, wondering if I knew this person from somewhere.
“Those aren’t the glasses for you,” she said matter-of-factly. I quickly looked this woman over once again through my aviator sunglasses to double check if I knew her. I decided I didn’t.
“You don’t like them?” I asked casually.
“Yeah,” she said, holding her hands to the side of face and squeezing her features slightly. “They make your head look really small.”
“Uh, OK, thanks a lot,” I said turning the opposite direction as I replanted the headphone into the entrance of my auditory canal.
As I write this I’m now positive that I had never spoken with this woman ever before.
This incident has been replaying in my mind over the last 24 hours because I believe it is a symptom of a growing epidemic the Centers for Disease Control, Jerry Lewis and the Surgeon General have apparently failed to pick up on: Anonymous Opinion Dispersal Disorder (AODD).
AODD can be defined as the insatiable compulsion to anonymously insert the sufferer’s opinion into situations whether or not it is asked for.
From my own observations I have deduced that this potentialy chronic ailment began many years ago when those first afflicted discovered the that the walls of truck stop bathrooms and public landmarks could also be used to leave their mark on the world without attatching any identifying information alongside.
This incarnation was far more harmless than the current mutation of AODD that is pervasive today as it was directed at no one and everyone at the same time. The most severe cases during these days would be limited to anonymously submitted death threats to public figures, calls to radio commentators, screamed fits of road rage through open car windows and others who employed fake or partial names when airing their views in public.
The point at which I believe AODD became the worldwide problem it has today can be traced to explosion of the internet into the collective consciousness. The internet became a breeding ground for the ailment as countless message boards, Web sites and comment sections practically begged the user to become a party to the process, to insert their two cents--all with no identification required.
According to Name Intelligence Inc., there are currently just over 105 million currently active Web sites, each with a countless number of pages hidden inside them. With all that information in plain view and all of it willingly up for discussion, it’s no wonder AODD spread so fast in this environment. Once suffers began opining constantly without risk of damaging their legacy it became hard to stop.
If this new mutation of AODD had stayed online it could have been quarantined. Sadly, the phenomenon has spread to the real world.
Now, for the good news: AODD is curable. In fact, unlike some treatments for restless leg syndrome, the antidote doesn’t carry the potential side effect of an increase in compulsive gambling. To regain that self-respect that only comes from backing your statements with your reputation all one has to do is to stop being a coward. That’s it--no pills, no insurance premiums, nothing.
One of my most ardent detractors is Dennis Scoles. (For a taste of his ire for my writing, check the “Letters to the Editor” section of Friday’s paper.) Sure, he’ll throw Bible quotes at me when I talk about my support of gay marriage. Yes, he will call me “wet behind the ears” when I express my disdain for Gov. Sarah Palin. Of course, I disagree completely with almost everything he says, but thing is, he has my respect for applying his name to his comments, which more than I can say for most of the hate mail I’ve received in my time as a professional writer.
Scoles also carries this practice of self-identification over to the paper’s message boards, a place where polite discourse and personal responsibility generally goes to die. His ability to risk his name, as I also do every time I put something I write out into the world, to communicate how he sees things at the very least makes him worth listening to.
So, if you think you might be suffering from AODD, ask your doctor if being brave enough to put your real, full name alongside your public statements is right for you.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 03:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Before I share the link to this amazing segment from the Daily Show I'd just like to thank whoever invented video recorders for allowing us to document hypocrites whether they are on Fox News or elsewhere. I'd also like to thank Jon Stewart for hitting the nail on the head better than I could ever hope to. Now to the video:

http://www.avclub.com/content/blog/jon_stewart_still_a_genius

Posted by Rob Burgess at 08:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If my name were, like, Smith or Jones or something I probably wouldn't take note of when I hear my last name mentioned in reference to others. Given the fact that I can spot a telemarketer a mile away when they start asking about "Mr. Burgers" I take note of the other Burgesses around me.
I had been aware that there was another Burgess clan living her locally. I had only heard rumors of this and other than a Burgess appearing in the sheriff's log a few months ago for a fairly minor charge, I haven't actually encountered any of them.
Today though, I was doing our weekly "man on the street" poll, "Streets of Ukiah", when I got talking to a woman who told me that there was a "House of Burgess" restaurant in Garberville. I was already planning my trip there before she finished the sentence. She also told me that the family that had owned it had won the lottery and it had been shut down.
Disappointed, but not deterred, I Googled the name and came up with a telephone number for "The House of Burgess."
I never thought I'd get to say I called a place named "House of Burgess" but there you go.
I asked to speak to the owner who said it had been around for 30 years before he bought the place and changed the name to, are you ready for this, "House of B".
Ugh. Change it back, I thought.
I told him I would have to make it up there at some point and I still want to. I mean how often do you go around calling something a certain name for over a year (this blog/column) and then come to find out that it's a real place.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I think more than any other event of this political season, Sen. John McCain's vice-presidential choice of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has probably taken up more real estate in my thoughts than any other. His rival Sen. Barack Obama's selection of Sen. Joe Biden as his running mate was a resoundingly solid pick as he is well-versed in foriegn policy, an area that Obama is admittedly lacking. While this was a solid choice, it wasn't exactly the kind of selection that inspired fevered ruminations during my free time.
This Palin woman though, she's been haunting my dreams.
Let's start from the beginning:
In terms of experience, she's wildly unqualified even by Obama standards. She didn't become governor until 2006, a full two years after Obama was elected to the Senate. Before assuming the governorship of the nations 47th most populous state Palin was the mayor of a town smaller than Ukiah for six years and a member of the city council for four year's prior to that. According to the Wassila Municipal Code though, the mayor's first three duties are to:

1. Preside at council meetings. The mayor may take part in the discussion of
matters before the council, but may not vote, except that the mayor may vote in the
case of a tie;
2. Act as ceremonial head of the city;
3. Sign documents on behalf of the city

Posted by Rob Burgess at 10:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

As if this election could get any weirder than it already has, a report that appeared on CNN.com just a few minutes ago says that my home state of Indiana may not be as locked down as once thought:

As the general election campaign officially gets under way, a new poll suggests that Sens. John McCain and Barack Obama are running neck-and-neck in Indiana. In a Howey-Gauge survey of likely voters in the state, McCain has support from 45 percent of those polled, Obama from 43 percent, and 12 percent are unsure about their choice for president. The poll of 600 likely Indiana voters was conducted August 29-30 and has a margin of error of plus or minus 4.1 percentage points making the race a virtual tie. The poll does not, however, necessarily suggest that Indiana will be a battleground in the fall campaign. "The important thing to note is that the poll was conducted entirely after the Democratic convention, and entirely before the GOP convention began. So this may represent Obama's high-water mark in Indiana," said CNN Polling Director Keating Holland. "The real test of whether Indiana is in play will have to wait for polling that reflects the effects of both conventions."

A while ago, just prior to the Democratic primary in the Hoosier State to be exact, I predicted on this very blog that given the fact that Indiana hasn't handed it's 11 electoral college delegates to a Democrat since 1964, neither Clinton nor Obama would be likely contenders for the state. I'll gladly eat my words if this happens, but not before I die of a massive heart attack brought on by shock. The poll listed in the story was taken before the Republican convention, so who knows what those percentages look like now, or if they were even asking the right 600 people to get an accurate description of the state's feelings.
If nothing else, I'm glad that at least the idea of redrawing the electoral map is a real possibility given it's stagnant nature over the last few contests. Because, as much as it might feels like it sometimes, the electoral map doesn't always have to look like this:

Posted by Rob Burgess at 11:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

- Swag = (Stuff We All Get)

In my first installment of Swag Watch I wrote about something that I had actually used, now we're going to talk about something that didn't get nearly as much play.
The television station TBS is one of the more regular contributors of freebies to our newsroom and for that I thank them. Let this blog entry in no way be interpreted by any people associated with TBS as being ungrateful. Please keep sending us things.
One of the odder mailings we've received from them came in the form of a square plastic wall clock that promoted their new comedy show, "Frank TV." It stars former Mad-TV player Frank Caliendo as he rifles through a set of impersonations including George W. Bush, John Madden, Jack Nicholson and Robin Williams. I didn't have to look this information up to know this even though I have never once viewed any of the five episodes of the show that have aired. I know this because the front of the clock is split into four wedges featuring Frank dressed up as one of these. I also know that the show comes on at either 11 a.m. or p.m. because the number "11" is in red and all the others are white. The clock is a non-readers dream as all one has to know is how to decode the words "Frank TV" and be able to count to 12. (And even then one could concievably have gaps in their counting as the "5," "7" and "8" numbers are missing on the clock to make room for logos.)
The clock came with some weak Toshiba batteries that only worked for about a month and a half before throwing in the towel. Since then the clock shows it is eternally 7:34 and 35 seconds in either the a.m. or p.m. (Which is when it took it's last tick with this battery.)
We already have a clock in the newsroom not 15 feet away so the loss was not great. Also, the face of the clock is much like a funny tattoo that is funny once and sort of just there forever after that. Soon after it's demise it was covered with a printout of a picture our chief photographer took at a pot bust involving a local high school teacher. The photo is taken from the back of one of the grow rooms and in the picture is Ukiah Police Chief Chris Dewey looking over row after row of pot plants from the door to the space. Sarah's caption, written above the picture, is: "Chris Dewey is very disappointed in you! :(" And she's right, it's a perfect caption. Chris looks as if he could be your dad walking into your bedroom and finding out what you've been doing for the last few months.
And the clock has been a disappointment as well. (To the newsroom anyway, I'm not sure how Chris Dewey feels about it one way or another.) I have to say though, of all the random papers that are stuck on the wall or the bulliten board above my desk, the picture of Chris has the nicest backing frame. (It sticks out from the wall and everything.)

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

When I want to get a sense of what an artist is about, I generally check for the first for the first work they were brave enough to put into the world.
Many times these are often sloppy and riddled with the kind of mistakes any newcomer would make, but for me these serve as a sort of mission statement on what they’re trying to convey to world with their work. If used as a lens they can be used to focus in on subsequent pieces to pinpoint the origins of the themes that are repeated over and over again.
So maybe I shouldn’t have been so shocked when a few weeks ago I dared to venture into the twisted world of 50’s camp director Ed Wood.
Wood is probably best known for his stunningly bad 1959 sci-fi classic “Plan 9 From Outer Space” and the 1994 Tim Burton-directed bio-pic in which Johnny Depp portrayed him.
But it was his first feature-length film, 1953’s “Glen or Glenda,” that pretty much rocked my socks off.
The plot, insofar as there is one, revolves around a frustrated young man who secretly cross-dresses, but is afraid to tell the girl he plans on marrying about it.
As the recent retelling of Wood’s life story shows, this mirrors almost exactly the struggles Wood contended with during his life as a straight, cross-dressing 50’s World War II veteran.
Besides an out-of-place moment near the end of the film in which the narrator intones that the main character was able to ward off his addiction to women’s clothes through drugs and therapy, the film is basically an informational newsreel on the phenomenon of male cross-dressing.
This feeling is pushed forward through Wood’s gratuitous use of stock footage to fill the run time. In fact, stock footage totals 13 minutes and 48 seconds of the film in all, a staggering 20 percent of the total run time including credits.
Make no bones about it, the movie is staggeringly awful, but never gets boring or predictable in the slightest.
As my girlfriend Ash pointed out, “he wanted to make movies more than anything else and nothing, not even lack of funds or personal talent, was going to stop him.”
And I can totally understand that. After all, this is the story he wanted to tell.
One of my favorite quotes is by British comedian and creator of the BBC series “The Office” Ricky Gervais: “I’d rather have something that’s completely mine fail than have something succeed that I’m not proud of.”
Wood more than almost anyone in the history cinema, and possibly any other type of art for that matter, lived this maxim to it’s fullest--and he has my undying respect for that.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Swag = (Stuff We All Get)

Working at a newspaper allows me unique opportunities I might not otherwise be able to take advantage of. In the year that I've been here at the Journal I've ridden in a CALSTAR helicopter, shot a flintlock rifle and bore witness to the first official same-sex marriage ceremony in the county's history.
But when the free stuff arrives in the mail, all that coolness you just read about pales in comparison.
Once in a while companies see fit to send major news outlets samples of their product in the hopes that we will review it. Up until this point I never have, but I decided the House of Burgess blog might an appropriate place to write about it, since nowhere else seems to be. (Which has been the main problem with getting anything up about it up until this point.)
First up is Countrywild Rice, a "gourmet blend of whole grain brown rice, whole grain Wehani and whole grain Black Japonica rice" from Lundberg Family Farms in Richvale.
Being a starving journalist I'm more than happy to utilize some free food. I'm not much of a cook, so my girlfriend Ash used the better part of the one-pound bag in the construction of a spread for tacos. I don't know if it's just that I'm starving as I peruse the recipe book they sent along with the rice or what, but as I recall it was rather delicious.
Now, if it only came with the shrimp and basil that sits atop the cooked rice in the picture on the front of the booklet, I'd probably push for a week's straight of front page coverage.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 11:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (2)

Every time I post something to this blog of mine there is at least one, if not more, comments attached to it that will never get approved. These aren't from people who disagree with me that I don't want others to see. I pretty much approve any comment as long it's safe for publication on a Web site attached to a family newspaper and is in a rough approximation of English.
No, no, these are comments from the robot population among us.
I'll leave for a few days and when I return I'll find the comments section filled with unrecognizable gibberish like this:
"untasting virgule amoke tenositis serpivolant shier tannic cub"
or
"squamosity gnathobdellae unsinkable innominate homogen unordinarily sociologize posey"
These were then followed by a Web site promoting some product online.
I was flabbergasted by these postings and had no idea where they came from until I heard an episode of one of my favorite radio programs/podcasts "RadioLab." On a recent episode titled "Emergence" Author Steven Johnson explained the art of Google-bombing. In the episode he told an oddly familiar story about his blog being hit with similarly odd material.
A Google bomb (also referred to as a 'link bomb') is Internet slang for a certain kind of attempt to influence the ranking of a given page in results returned by the Google search engine, often with humorous or political intentions.
After deleting scores of these offending comments, Johnson finally deduced that spammers and their computers were attempting to use the popularity of his blog to further their own online prescription medication/genital enlarging/mortgage refinancing ventures.
And here I thought I was actually popular.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 04:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

“The number one reason white people like not having a TV is so that they can tell you that they don’t have a TV.”
- From entry #28 (“Not Having a TV”) of the blog-turned-book “Stuff White People Like” by Christian Lander.
I’m getting rid of my cable this week because despite my love of spending countless slack-jawed hours mindlessly flipping through channels, I don’t feel I’m getting $90 a month of enjoyment out of it any more.
It probably has something to do with the fact that I’ll think I’m sitting down for five minutes to have something to watch while I sip my tea only to find an hour later that I’ve already experienced the better part of “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter Is Dead.” (And when you’re only fifteen minutes away from the end, why not finish?)
Beyond watching films I would never intentionally schedule for myself to view is the greater crime of settling on censored versions (with commercials, no less) of movies I actually do like and own. But given the unattractive choice between an infomercial or Bill O'Reilly yelling at a guest like a incontinent puppy, even the edited-for-TV version of an expletive-laden favorite like “The Big Lebowski” starts to look good. (Sample edited line of dialogue: “You see what happens, Larry?! You see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?! This is what happens when you feed a stork scrambled eggs!”)
Since I still need to be entertained by my glowing box of joy I started my subscription to Netflix this week. In case you haven’t yet experienced this gift from the heavens, Netflix is a service where you have a list of pre-selected films picked out which are sent to you in order as soon as you send the ones you have back.
It didn’t take long for my girlfriend Ash and I to bump our queue of movies over the 100 mark. Little did we know though that this was probably the worst possible week to make the switch.
“Netflix Inc. said Thursday that major technical problems over the past three days have severely limited the number of DVDs it could send out,” stated a portion of an Associated Press story issued a mere 48 hours after the first three movies I ordered had arrived. “The unspecified problems affected all of the Los Gatos-based company's 55 shipping centers and marked the biggest disruption in service since Netflix launched its DVD-by-mail subscription business nine years ago. It was unclear when normal shipments from the online DVD rental leader would resume.”
(Expletives deleted)
Oh well, I guess I’ve got some books to catch up on anyway.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 04:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

After using my column two weeks ago to talk about the brewing scandal involving embattled gangsta rapper Rick Ross, my story somehow got picked up by Google News and was in the top ten entries when people used it to search for the artist. As a result it made it all the way to the top spot in the coveted "Most Viewed" section of my paper's Web site. My stories almost never make it this high as I don't generally write about what people are mostly interested in clicking on: crime and general human misery.
But in the days since I wrote my report on the subject, the troubles have only continue to pile on the self-proclaimed "Boss."
First there was a shooting on Aug. 6 just prior to his performance at his 2nd annual Be Out Day, a charity event that provides essential items to poor children in his native Carol City, FL.
Then, only four days later, came reports that Ross might be a deadbeat dad.
"The mother of rapper Rick Ross' son is suing him over claims he does not pay child support," stated the Web site contactmusic.com. "Tiallondra Nicole Kemp claims Ross has not offered financial support to raise their son, two-year-old William Leonard Roberts, III."
But it only gets worse from there.
"Reports from Houston's Ozone Awards weekend have already spilled in rumors of a confrontation between Rick Ross and video director DJ Vlad," stated a portion of story posted on the Web site hiphopdx.com on Monday. "Although neither Ross' camp nor DJ Vlad have confirmed this, bystanders watched yesterday as Vlad interviewed the Miami rap star yesterday. As (DJ Vlad) inquired about pictures surfacing about Ross' correctional officer past, a member of the rapper's entourage struck Vlad, sending him to the ground. According to reports, the camps fled the scene after the altercation, with one witness claiming that the camera may have been damaged."
Yeesh. That's quite a week by anyone's standards.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

A while ago I was doing a story about a number of groups coming together to help clean up a local creek. I didn't dress in clothes I was comfortable getting wet, so after I did my interviews and the volunteers headed off to do their own thing (along with my photographer Sarah) I was sort of left with nothing to do. Did I also mention I didn't drive and was stranded?
Anyway, as I waited for them to return I started wandering around the neighborhood where the base camp had been set up. It was during this aimless meandering that I stumbled upon a yard sale -- a hard thing for me to pass even when I have other things to do. Having nothing better to do I sauntered over and began perusing their wares.
I didn't see much of interest to me except one thing: a banjo that the yard sale conductor's young son was plucking on.
"How much for the banjo?" I asked, thinking it would be far out of my price range.
"Well, I don't know much about it, but you're welcome to try it out and tell me how much you think it's worth."
For the short time I looked at it, it seemed to be perfectly fine banjo. In addition it had a case, tuner and book designed to teach anyone to play it. Having a life-long love of music and trying out new instruments I was intrigued, yet very broke.
I threw out a low number thinking she would reject it.
"It's probably worth more than this, but I can only give you like $50 for it."
"Sold."
"What?"
"Yeah, you've been so nice to my kid and you seem like you'd put it to good use."
Having no money on me, I went home and raided my savings.
Several months later, I still don't know how to play much on it, but tonight I'm playing The Wedding March on it for my friends Sean and Ryan at their ceremony at their home.
Wow. I don't get to type that sentence every day.
Wish me luck.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 12:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

When I was getting ready for work this morning and I noticed that the movie “CB4” was on, so of course I had to watch it for a little bit.
And not because I was stalling, mind you.
The hilarious 1993 mockumentary stars Chris Rock and Charlie Murphy and details the fictional rap group CB4. In the movie, the formerly middle class trio who go by Cell Block 4 (MC Gusto, Stab Master Arson and Dead Mike) have risen to the height of fame and success after they stole their name and identity from an actual criminal they know who had since been locked up.
As I drank my tea and tried to find the strength to start my day, I began to notice a uncanny resemblance to a story I have been following online for the past few days.
First, some background:
Rapper Rick Ross, government name: William Leonard Roberts, has released two full-length albums since bursting onto the scene in 2006 with the single “Hustlin’”. Throughout his lyrics he regales his listeners with stories of his purported previous life as a cocaine trafficker, taking his rap moniker from actual drug kingpin “Freeway” Ricky Ross.
What he neglected to mention was his 18-month stint in a Florida prison -- as a guard.
“Apparently desperate to distance himself from any affiliation with law enforcement, the rapper Rick Ross has recently denounced as fake photos purporting to show him in a former career as a Florida prison guard,” stated thesmokinggun.com on June 21. “But Department of Corrections records show that Ross...did, in fact, work as a correctional officer for 18 months. Ross was appointed a prison guard in December 1995 at a salary of $22,913.54. The rapper's social security number is identical to that of the jail guard.”
Had Ross manned-up and told the truth at this point, the story might well have fizzled. Sadly, that’s not what happened.
“When a photo of a uniform-clad Ross surfaced last week on MediaTakeOut.com, the 32-year-old performer claimed to AllHipHop.com that unnamed ‘online hackers’ put ‘my face when I was a teenager in high school on other peoples' body,’” stated the article. “‘If this **** was real don't you think they would have more specifics, like dates and everything?’”
So, in the week after the initial documents were released, the Web site went and got the dates and everything -- 86 pages of it.
“We don't mean to pile on the beleaguered gangster rapper (and former prison guard) Rick Ross, but a Freedom of Information request has turned up additional documents chronicling the performer's penal career,” stated the second article released Monday. “The documents include Ross's employment application, which notes that he was a 1994 graduate of Miami's Carol City Senior High School and spent a year at Georgia's Albany State College, where he studied Criminal Justice...Other personnel records include a fingerprint card that was used during a criminal background check, and the resulting report showing that Ross was clean. In a supplemental application, Ross agreed to perform a wide range of correctional officer duties, including ‘shoot an inmate attempting to escape.’”
I certainly don’t remember any of those details sneaking their way into his rhymes. Maybe I’ve been listening to the wrong songs.
Anyway, as more details emerged, the man in question still held the party line.
“In a recent interview with Phoenix's Power 98.3, Ross denied being an officer,” stated the Web site sixshot.com on Tuesday. “‘Dont believe the hype,’ Ross said. ‘In the game we in, it’s real competitive. Competitors have to do what they have to do to eat. We making the best music. We the biggest in the game, we the best in the game. Just keeping it real...One of my closest homies was on ‘America’s Most Wanted.’”
The next day, NPR’s Alex Cohen spoke to New York Times reporter Jon Caramanica on the subject. Caramanica said that despite the embarrassing revelation it didn’t necessarily have to spell doom for the entertainer’s career.
“Rick Ross has positioned himself in his entire rap career as someone obviously moving in the shadows of the law,” he said. “But for something like this to come to light throws the whole idea of authenticity into doubt. Now obviously, you know, rap like most art is a form of performance, but that said, when you made your entire career premise on something proves to be false that can be potenially damaging in the long run...If he makes a great song about it he could concievably just move past this like another bump, but the fact that he lied about it is unfortunately a bad first sign.”
In “CB4”, the jig is up when the real Gusto gets out of prison and comes looking for the kids who stole his personality.
Now, despite Ross’ best efforts, the truth about his past has been granted early release despite being given a life sentence long ago by the former screw--and he’s not handling it well.
For sheer unrepentant hypocrisy, this scandal ranks up there with Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) voting against gay rights while at the same using hand signals to cruise for companionship in airport men’s restrooms.
As a whole, the American public, myself included, is surprisingly forgiving when it comes to welcoming back it’s fallen heroes -- provided the accused admit what they’ve done and apologize once it’s been made maddenly clear what they did.
Hugh Grant, for example, famously said “I think you know in life what's a good thing to do and what's a bad thing, and I did a bad thing, and there you have it,” on the Tonight Show in 1995 after being arrested for lewd conduct with Hollywood prostitute Divine Brown.
It’s 13 years later and he’s still able to pull off the charming, bouncy-haired English guy routine in every hit romantic comedy he’s in. No one hardly even mentions the arrest anymore unless it’s one of those annoying countdown shows like “Top 543 Celebrity Arrests” that they play incessantly on E! or VH1 (or newspaper columns, I suppose.)
What’s funny to me is how happy the smiling, teenaged Ross looks in the photo of his graduation ceremony that was initially leaked. The expression on his face couldn’t be more different from the embarrassed wreck of a man pictured in Grant’s mug shot, but both snapshots had the same, career-ending power.
What Ross should have done is to listen to the timeless wisdom of Kenny Rogers and known when to hold ‘em and known when to fold ‘em. Ross’ bluff has failed and his career as we’ve known it may very well be over.
On the other hand, given the fact that his latest album “Trilla” currently sits at #13 on the Billboard R & B/Hip-Hop Album Chart almost five months after it was released, I might actually be fretting about this whole thing more than Ross himself.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 05:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (1)

Ever since I ordered the movie channels on my digital cable package I haven't had much use for network television. There's really only a few shows I watch on those channels and ever since the advent of TV shows on DVD I no longer have the patience to plan my week around being at home when they're on. And the commercials...sigh. I could never stand commercials before, but after being spoiled with commercial-free viewing of my favorite programs I can never go back. And who wants to wait a week to find out what happened anyway? I need it all now or not at all.
But every once in a while I can't help myself and peruse through the channel list. Being a reporter by trade I usually at least pause at the news channels. I'm increasingly appalled at what I've seen. In a desperate attempt to capture the attention of viewers my age they have dumbed down the content even further than usual. If you didn't already feel like you were being talked down to already by the 24-hour news channels consider the snippets of rock songs they have leading into news stories and the primetime coverage they give to reader-submitted news jokes (complete with cheesy sound effect).
People know when they're being condescended to and I doubt any of these tactics are gaining any new long-term viewers. If they really wanted to appeal to me they would talk to me like an adult, not show me the same endless string of inconsequential stories and actually talk about things that effect real people. Everyone, well except Phil Gramm maybe, agrees that things are worse than they have been in a long time and there are so many stories out there that could be told. But they aren't. You almost wouldn't know there was a war on the way the go on about whatever pretty young adult that has gone missing in a foreign country lately.
That would be a start anyway. As it stands right now they really don't need viewers to send them jokes. The whole operation is laughable.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 12:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I was walking Spike last night and we came to this row of gigantic black trash bags sitting behind a business on School Street. This wouldn't have seemed odd to me except there was a foot sticking out of one of them.
Long story short I have a bunch of mannequin pieces in my spare bedroom freaking me out every time I walk in.
I've always wanted to find something like this. Not a mannequin specifically, but something equally as cool and now I have and I'm stumped.
My dilemma is this: I have never in my entire life just found a mannequin, so I mean I had to take it, but now that I have it what do I do with it? I have a few ideas for art projects, but I thought I'd take it to interweb to see what the consensus was. So what should I do with it? Make it into an art project? What?

Posted by Rob Burgess at 03:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

It was the night of Nov. 7, 2006 and I was glued to the television.
All I wanted the awesomely named CNN news anchor Wolf Blitzer to tell me which political party had won control of the legislative branch of the federal government.
And he did, for a while.
As the evening wore on though, I saw that he couldn’t help himself.
“I know this might seem a little early to talk about this,” he said, while I instinctively cringed at home, “but we all know tonight represents the start of the race for the White House in 2008.”
No. No. No it doesn’t, I thought to myself. The presidential election season does not have to take a fifth of a decade to complete, you’ve just decided it does, Wolf (if that’s even your real name.)
“There's nearly a year to go before the Iowa caucuses, but it sure feels like the 2008 presidential-election season has reached full swing,” wrote Karen Tumulty in Time Magazine on Jan. 25, 2007. “There are at least 20 actual or assumed or wished-for candidates--nine Democrats and 11 Republicans...Most of them have begun raising money, hiring staff and lining up endorsements.”
During the quarter century I’ve been lucky enough to be alive I’ve seen kickoff of two national events creep up the calendar each time around without fail: Christmas and Presidential Elections.
And I’m exactly not thrilled with either of them dancing merrily in the background for a larger and larger part of the year.
Don’t get it twisted though, I love both of them. Christmas is, well, Christmas. There’s being with the ones you love, presents, the possibly a sporting event you can sit around with those you love and pretend to care about.
And the presidential election, I mean, come on. I’m a political junkie to the max and I actually get goosebumps every election night pretty regularly.
The part of both these processes that keep getting stretched is the least fun part--the part where I’m being sold stuff.
It used to be, or so I’m told, that the Christmas season didn’t start until the day after Thanksgiving and that the presidential race didn’t get going until after the conventions when the nominees were actually picked.
I wish.
I love buying and receiving Christmas gifts, but spending the money it takes to buy said gifts so others can receive them is no fun--especially when you have very little. So when I see first Christmas decorations of the season butting up against the Halloween costumes at Wal-Mart my heart doesn’t exactly sing with excitement.
And that’s pretty much where we are in the political season right now--the retail phase.
If my patience for inconsequential bickering while the parties twiddle their thumbs waiting for election day were a bank account, my balance sheet would show I’m broke.
With 100 days until the election and both parties already set on their candidates well before their conventions, made up scandals and snarky remarks are all they can do to pass the time.
Barack Obama has come under fire more than once for pretending like he’s president before he’s even been elected. He once even gave a speech in front of a blue mock-up of a modified presidential seal carrying the words “Obama for America” and “Vero Possumus” (“Yes We Can” in Latin.)
“Well, I'd love to give a speech in Germany … a political speech or a speech that maybe the German people would be interested in,” said John McCain on Thursday in Ohio, referring to Obama’s well-attended speech that same day at the Berlin Wall. “But I would much prefer to do it as president of the United States rather than as a candidate for the office of the presidency.”
But what else is Obama supposed to do?
When you have months and months to give the same speech over and over again what’s left to do but start acting like you’ve already got the job.
Why do you think Santa shows up at shopping malls for months before the big day to ask you what you want for Christmas? For his health?
He’s got time to kill, brother.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 11:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (2)

The original, British version of the television show "The Office" is the pretty much my favorite piece of popular cinema, TV or otherwise, to ever be created. It lasted only two six-episode seasons and a two-part Christmas special. All told, you could watch the entire thing in eight hours. One workday.
I've seen "Police Academy" sequel marathons on TBS that have taken up a longer block of time.
The show is presented as a mockumentary in the style of the Christopher Guest films "Spinal Tap," "Waiting for Guffman" and "Best in Show."
The show focuses the hapless employees of a mid-level paper company in the less than exciting London suburb of Slough and one of the things that is so awesome about the show is the use of silence and blank space. Small gestures and facial expressions directed towards the camera say more than entire canned laugh-track spiced monologues delivered on lesser shows ever could. Not to give anything away, but the audience doesn't even get to hear one of the series' most poignant speeches and it's still heart wrenching.
I believe that my attachment to the show also extends from the fact that also saw the British version at the exact right moment in my life. Whatever that magical formula of experience and openness that causes us to associate strongly with certain pieces of popular culture is, I have that with the BBC's "The Office."
Given my attachment to show you can imagine that I was less than thrilled to hear that they were making an American version. For years, the only glimpse I had of this new incarnation was the pilot episode which I illegally downloaded. The first episode of the American version was almost a line-for-line rehash of the first episode of the British one, except with the popular references changed for American audiences.
I hated it.
I didn't watch any more of it for years, telling anyone who had even a passing interest in the American version that they should stop watching immediately and buy, not rent, the BBC show. As more and more people I trusted said I should start watching it, I ultimately relented and gave it another shot.
I love it.
What I didn't know was that the show only rehashed the first episode and then went sailing in a completely different direction. The archetypal characters from the first version were completely reformatted in most cases which helped the show become something all its own.
I was also put off by how loud the American version is compared to it's British counterpart. After watching two and a half seasons of the NBC edition, I've decided that America is just a louder culture and keeping it as quiet and nuanced as the British version wouldn't have been appropriate.
There still is a difference between the two though.
I'm not ashamed to say I shed a little tear at the end of the BBC version. Unless I stub my toe or burn myself on an exposed flame, I can say with some certainty that I won't be excreting any salty fluid from my eye sockets for the American version.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 10:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I can safely say there hasn't been a dull day at my job for the last few weeks, if not months. I've run into more national news crews covering events here at separate times than I ever have since I've become a journalist -- and I haven't even had to go out to the county.
First we've got Measure B, the marijuana reform law, that's burning up the Associated Press news wire. Then, not a week after the final results are announced, we have over 130 lightning fires strike the county during a single storm.
As if that wasn't enough, I had the pleasure of writing a crazy news story about a couple in Redwood Valley who were shooting at mice in their trailer with a .44 magnum. The gun dropped, the bullet went through the woman's kneecap, bounced of her male friend's keys, went through his pants and came to rest in the coin pocket. A version of this story ended up being repeated on the Paul Harvey radio show.
And now today we have a story in the paper about a guy who nearly escaped from the cops as they were raiding his marijuana garden on a hang glider.
I think anyone who think to do that at least deserves a little bit of a head start. As my coworker Ben said, "he is definitely fighting on the side of awesome."

Posted by Rob Burgess at 01:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Starting the first of this month you're now no longer legally allowed to have a cell phone to your ear while you're piloting a car in California. Despite the inconvenience to dangerous drivers everywhere, myself sadly included from time to time, this is probably not the worst piece of public safety legislation they've ever introduced.
For those who don't want to follow the spirit of the law there are other options available.
The hands-free cell phone ear pieces have become a plague with almost every other driver I see on the road nowadays sporting a wire extending from the side of their skull. If you're driving along and happen to look over when someone is on a call on one of these things and the earpiece on the side furthest away from you, it looks as if their head is plugged in to some charging unit while they have a conversation with no one.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not against the idea of hands-free systems, but in the end you are still having a cell phone conversation. All you've really done is free up another hand, not anyone's mind from the actual call they're making.
If I were ever to get one of these things I'd want the biggest one they had--think helicopter pilot headphones from the 1980's big. I don't want anyone to mistake an incoming call with a schizophrenic episode.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 12:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Last night the Starbucks Swingers women's softball team won their first game by a score of 4-3. I am the assistant coach and my girlfriend Ash plays second base and for us, the win couldn't have come too soon. Fate has not smiled upon our poor team in some time and it felt good to have at least one moment in the sun before the summer is out. Starbucks has never had a team before this year and neither Ash nor I have played on a ball team since either of us were a decade younger--and even then it was Little League Baseball.
I also find myself at a loss at what to yell out during the game. This mostly has to do with my own unfamiliarity with the game (Did you know that if you get hit by a pitch in softball you don't get a free base?) Clapping is a good start of course, but beyond that I can only offer John Madden-like one-liners like: "Alright! Let's score more points than the other team!" and "Do the thing you did that was good just like that again! Al-right!"
Besides the fact that I am coaching a sport I have never played before, our roster has been the bare minimum of nine players for almost every single game we've played. Injuries can be blamed for most of this as we've had so many players on and off the disabled list we might do better if were sponsored by a hospital.
Nevertheless, last night's victory really had nothing to do with my coaching skills, but I was happy to be there anyway.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 03:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

From the June 22 edition of the Ukiah Police Department Daily Log:

8:25 p.m. 911 Hangup Male subject advising that he wanted to report that George W. Bush is killing innocent people in Iraq. Info given to supervisors.

I think the only think I love more than the thought of someone calling the UPD to report this like there is anything they can do about it is the last part of the entry that says they passed this valuable tip up the chain of command.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 11:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

The lightning fires we've had here caused me to work for eight days straight as well as almost pass out while trying to walk two blocks to the grocery store. As a result, I took a day off two Wednesdays ago. While I was recuperating I saw a link to a video by the good people at UkiahValley.tv about how to make your own homemade air filter. I had been looking at scraping some money together to buy an air filter as there seemed to be no escape from the toxic haze that seemed to permeate every nook and cranny of the county. Being that I had very little money, I was glad to see the greatly reduced cost of building my own.
The contraption basically consisted of a box fan with an air conditioning filter taped to the back. The idea, of course, is to use the fan to draw the air through the filter and expel the clean air out the other side. When I went to the Home Depot I found that all the smoke-rated filters that fit the back of the box fan (20 by 20 by 1) were sold out along with every other size. When I went to Friedman's on the south side of town I encountered two other smoke-weary individuals who had seen the same video I had and were trying to assemble their own as well. The only size of smoke-rated filters they had left were the 12 by 20 by 1 and a few other odd sizes. I decided to wing it and buy two of that size and stack them side by side to cover the entire back of the fan with a little left sticking over.
Almost two weeks later the fan is still going and the filter on the back has gotten increasingly discolored and disgusting. I'm pretty stoked by this if for no other reason than we're not breathing whatever is turning the back of filter a sickly yellowy-brown color into my lungs.
Sure it could be a fire hazard, but I'm happy to risk it to avoid smoke inhalation.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 12:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Starting in a few minutes I will be on a vacation for the next week while my mom and brother are in town. They planned on coming a long time ago, you know, before the state was burning to the ground. I'm frantically trying to think of things to do with them while they are here as most of the activities I had on the agenda were outdoors. I keep seeing on the news how the air supposed to clear by the weekend, but I'm guessing they aren't talking about Ukiah, at least not for a while. Whatever the case it will still be nice to see them. For that time I return you to the capable hands of a seasoned action reporter to tell you about the fires near you.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 03:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Well Rob gets a big 'fail' for the fire coverage you all were subjected to over the past few days from me. I sincerely apologize for the quality and amount of information you all have received from my stories. If you live in Ukiah right now all you can see is the big cloud of smoke and with no vantage point it looks like the county might as well be burning to the ground and my terribleness as an information resource hasn't really helped allay any fears. The information we've received is spotty at best only because resources are so strained and most fires aren't even being attended to, but that's really no excuse for the job I've done.
I feel like crawling into a smoldering pile of redwood needles right now because I misheard Sheriff Tom Allman at the press conference he gave yesterday to the board of supervisors. 8,500 acres are burning, not 85,000. That information was on the website all through last night and on the front page today.
(insert string of expletives directed at myself here.)
Again, I'm sorry.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 09:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

I don't get up early unless I absolutely have to, but today I was actually thrilled when my the alarm on my cell phone went off at 6:15 this morning. Suffice it say that a civil rights milestone is enough to get me out of bed.
I really feel everyone in California on either side of the gay marriage debate should have been in attendance at 8 a.m. this morning at their local County Clerk's office. Unless you've been to a same-sex marriage ceremony you really don't know what you're talking about. And I got to attend ten of them just this morning. (But strangely, not one drop of bubbly was served--foiled again!)
When I saw the looks in the eyes two consenting adults making a legal commitment to each other during the ceremonies, I saw nothing but love--and for me that's what it boils down to, finally being able cement their bond. This whole ridiculousness about this leading to marriage between humans and dogs (as thankfully thankfully deposed former Sen. Rick Santorum once famously said) and the downfall of mankind blows away like the paper-thing argument it is when you're actually there experiencing it.
One of the couples in attendance was married by San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom in 2004. That marriage was rendered null and void afterwards, so they had to get married once again today. It just strikes me as odd that you would have to reassert your commitment to your every time someone outside your relationship says it's not real. Of course I guess the silver lining to that would be double the ceremonies, double the gifts--so there's always that party bonus.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 11:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (1)

Ash and I wanted to relax with a movie last night because it was kind of a stressful day for both of us. There wasn't really anything we were dying to see at the RedBox self-serve movie dispenser at Safeway, but we decided to take a chance on a "Funny Games." It was listed as a horror movie and the concept sounded vaguely like the plot of the "Saw" series, which I am a fan of.
Turns out, that's not really what the movie was about at all.
I won't be spoiling anything by telling you this, but the plot revolves around two soft-spoken, psychotic blond-haired blue-eyed Nazi poster boys who proceed to pick off every member of a well-to-do waspy family on vacation, starting with the dog. As it is made clear within 10 minutes of the film's start time, they aren't going to make it and almost the entirety of the nearly two hour frustration-thon is the slow decent into this.
"I wanted to wring Haneke's neck—a reaction he no doubt would have taken as a sign of his movie's success," wrote David Ansen in his Newsweek review of the flick. "Haneke, you see, means this exercise in cinematic sadism as a critique of the typical way Hollywood movies exploit violence on screen and turn the viewer into a bloodthirsty consumer of cheap thrills. It's this moralistic finger-wagging—scolding us for lapping up what he's serving—that makes 'Funny Games' so infuriating."
And infuriating is the exact word I began applying to this movie while I was waiting for it to finish. Don't get me wrong I am not a prude, I just didn't see the point behind making a movie where the main characters have no chance of making it and never do. The movie is shot extremely well and after having a few hours to digest what I've seen I think I understand what he's trying to say. It doesn't mean I enjoyed it or will ever want to watch it again. Honestly the entire could have begun and concluded in the space of a short film as most of the run time is taken up by the real-time squirming of the embattled family. Yuck.
My favorite Coen Brothers movie is "The Big Lebowski," but I'd still have to say "No Country For Old Men" is their masterpiece. I was haunted by "No Country" and it will be a long time before I revisit again, but I've seen "Lebowski" probably close to a hundred times and it's still a welcome guest to my DVD tray any time.
Well done does not always equal fun.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 12:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

On Monday I was the only reporter in the office, so of course that's when the sheriff's department released four press releases. All told, I wrote six stories, three of which had my byline, and took the centerpiece picture. Overall, I think I had a pretty successful day as the only mistakes in the stories I wrote, as far as I could tell, were that I accidentally said "Ukiah Valley Fire" responded to a blaze in Talmage instead of "Ukiah Fire" (my bad) and the word "seized" was misspelled in a headline I didn't write.
I still get nervous when I have to do action/crime reporter Ben Brown's job when he's gone, but despite my fears I think I have gotten a little better at it over time.
One of the first times I had to cover for Ben I was doing the calls before I went home. This entails running through a list of phone numbers and asking if anyone had anything to report. When I called the California Department of Forestry's Howard Forest Willits Grade Dispatch they told me that three divers had been rescued in Westport and that an additional diver was not recovered until the next day. Here's the two inch story I submitted for the Daily Digest on Page 2 that day:

FIRE AND RESCUE
RESCUE -- Three divers were rescued at 6:40 p.m. Wednesday near 33000 N. Highway 1. The three divers were stranded on the rocks with an additional person in the water in Westport behind Highway 1. CAlFire, Westport Fire, US Coast Gaurg (yes, that was how I spelled it), Ft. Bragg Ambulance and Mendocino Ambulance responded. Workers were not able to locate the fourth person, but the person was located Thursday.

Abalone diver's body recovered
Oakland man 7th fatality off Mendocino County coast this year; 2 companions rescued
The body of an abalone diver was recovered Thursday afternoon after two divers rescued at the scene the day before returned to pull their companion from the ocean.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 09:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Can you feel it?
In case you haven’t noticed, things have been better.
And I’m not even really talking about the economy. So, I won’t bother mentioning the crippling cost of gas we’re all facing while Exxon Mobil reported a record 2007 profit of $40.6 billion. And I definitely won’t waste any ink telling you that in the time it took me to write this column the federal government has spent as much on the war in Iraq as I would earn at this job in a decade. And I certainly wouldn’t waste your time rehashing the fact that citizens of the Czech Republic were recently outraged as a visit to the hospital now costs them $1.85 while 20 percent of Americans, including myself, are uninsured and currently operating under the “Don’t Get Sick Plan.”
No, I’m just talking about just people I know. In my entire life I’ve never had so many of my friends and family just not doing very well all at the same time. One day my mom throws out her back (she thankfully recovered a few days later) and the next I hear that someone else I know got picked up for shoplifting.
And I’ve noticed I can feel these bad things happen before I actually hear about them sometimes too. And I’m fairly sure I’m not crazy.
The day actor Brad Renfro died in Jan. I was on my way to work when I put my MP3 player on random and the first file that popped up was a song the soundtrack of one of his best films, “Bully.” As I pulled into the office parking lot I thought about how much I liked this song and that movie and how I should watch it again sometime. Not two minutes later I was at my desk reading about his passing.
A few weeks prior to that one of my friends from back home barely survived after he shot himself in the head. I almost never remember my dreams when I wake up, but the night it happened I had a series of incredibly intense dreams about suicide by rifle. I woke up the next morning to buzzing of my cell phone. When I answered, one of our mutual friends came on the line and told me what had happened and that he was on the way to the hospital.
I don’t think I’m the only one who feels this way. I’ve heard interviews with both twins and long-time spouses say this before when talking about them simultaneously feeling it when their loved ones died. I can’t say for sure whether or not this is a spiritual phenomenon or a scientific one we just haven’t figured out yet, but I totally believe in it one way or another. Just because we haven’t been able to explain it yet doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I mean, it wasn’t until the last century that we figured out the double helix shape of DNA, made the atom bomb and cured polio. Who’s to say we won’t make some kind of breakthrough in this field one day too?
I just hope when this black cloud lifts off of all of us I’ll have my antenna up for when something really awesome happens to someone I know.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 04:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

After Hillary Clinton's un-concession speech last night, I found one of the best descriptions of her campaign by Dahlia Lithwick of Slate Magazine:

"Unfortunately, I kept thinking of that Gilligan’s Island episode in which Ginger acts out an excruciatingly long and melodramatic death scene. You keep thinking her every last gasp is really it. But then she keeps rolling around and twitching because she’s been peeking through her fingers all along and knows you’re still watching."

At this point I think it's entirely possible that the Clinton campaign will continue into the second year of Obama's presidency.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 10:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Tonight is election night in Mendocino County and the gods that control the U.S. presidential race seems to have taken note of the timing and finally declared Barack Obama the winner of the Democratic nomination on the same night. Hillary Clinton, apparently living in an endless self-delusion of her own making, seems to think that if she holds on long enough, she could still be the nominee, provided something terrible happens to Obama. (She basically said as much last month.)
I do understand that running for president is extremely stressful and I know I could never do it. I also do feel bad that again there will be only men on the ballot in November, but when I step back a bit, I realize my sympathy only runs so deep for the current senator, wife of a two term president and a millionaire a hundred times over.
"More than 300 million Americans living at this hour will never be president," wrote George Will in his May 18 column. "They will never even be senator from New York. That office is not chopped liver."
It's the same way I can't feel too bad for rapper Nas when people shake their heads with sorrow and say that his first album "Illmatic" was so good that no one will ever stop comparing his future releases to it. I guess I feel sort of bad about this, but then again he did get to make arguably one of the best rap albums ever made and then build a 15-year-long career based on it.
And judging from the jewelry I saw him wear in his last video, he's not ready for food stamps just yet.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 08:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

At 11 a.m. Saturday I'll be on KMEC being interviewed on Jin Gwang's show "The Compassion Network." According to the Web site for the show, its focus is on: "speakers who commit acts of kindness locally and globally." I'm not sure I'm exactly qualified for this, but I'll do the best I can. I did open the door for someone while I was shopping the other day and once I gave some change to a homeless man while I was student teaching in England, so I guess both those combined would equal global and local acts of kindness.
To tune in, turn your dial to 105.1 FM (in the Ukiah area) or you can listen in on-line during the show by clicking on: http://www.kmecradio.org:8200/live.m3u
Incidentally, from 9 p.m. to question mark on Thursdays on KMEC you can hear my coworker Zack Sampsel tear it up as co-hosts "Surprise Valley," a program dedicated solely to the band Widespread Panic. You can hear it live during the show by clicking on the link above, or you can listen to archives here:
http://www.kmecradio.org/p/surprisevalley/
Also, the following will be featured on page five of Thursday's paper. I hope you can make it at some point next month to check it out:
For the entire month of June, the main dining room of Schat’s Courhouse Bakery and Cafe in downtown Ukiah will play host to a seven-piece art collection entitled “N. California” by photo artist Rob Burgess.
The collection will specifically focus on landmarks and distinctive locales throughout Northern California including, among others, the Ukiah Theatre sign on State Street, Fort Bragg’s Pudding Creek Trestle and the wood animal carvings which guard the entrance to the Discovery Inn.
Using only a six mega-pixel digital camera and an outdated version of the Adobe Photoshop, Burgess used the computer program to manipulate and enhance his photographs to create his own distinctive style.
Many of the pictures used for the show were taken with the help of he and his girlfriend Ash’s long-haired dauchund Spikington Fool-for-Love Cartwright during their daily walks around town.
Each of the 24-inch by 36-inch pieces hanging on the walls will be framed, signed and numbered. Only 200 of each will be produced in their original form.
Meanwhile, smaller, signed, un-numbered reproductions of the pieces will also be available from the artist upon request.
Schat’s Courhouse Bakery and Cafe is located at 113 West Perkins Street in Ukiah and is open Monday through Friday from 5:30 a.m. to 6 p.m. and on Saturday from 5:30 a.m. to 5 p.m.
For a preview of pieces available at the show and more, Burgess can be found on the web at www.flickr.com/robburgess.
For more information on the event, Burgess can be reached by e-mail at robertandertonburgess@hotmail.com.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The process of moving to California was one of the most stressful things I've ever done in my entire life.
Not only was there the burden of moving all my worldly possessions from one place to another, (which I've done at least once per year since I was 17,) but this time Ash and I were doing it across state lines and over thousands of miles with two whining animals (our dog Spike and our cat Willow) in tow. Then, of course, we broke down twice, once in Colorado and again in Nevada, before nearly running out of money in Reno, Nevada (and if I never get back to the world's biggest ashtray which comprises that hell on earth it will be too soon.)
But the one thing I didn't expect to be annoyed by were the radio advertisements when I got here. When I lived in Indiana I sort of assumed that certain businesses were local and others were national. I thought I had this pretty well locked down until I moved out here and saw California adverts. I was shocked to learn that both J.G. Wentworth, structured settlement and annuity-buyer, and the Shane Company, which is apparently based in Denver and is the largest privately held jeweler in the United States, were not, in fact, based in the Hoosier state. I had no idea. For some naive reason I thought that since the owners of these two companies come on air and talk to the people directly during their commercials and then listed the locations of local stores that they were Indiana-based.
And here I thought I had a friend in the diamond business.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 09:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This morning I was at Jensen's Truck Stop on North State Street meeting with the local chapter of the Christian Motorcyclists Association. On my way back to my car I saw this bumper sticker attached to the tail gate of an old white truck:

What really struck me about it was how organic the feeling expressed in the modification of the bumper sticker was. We've all seen incendiary bumper stickers from time to time of varying degrees of quality, but the raw, unadulterated feelings expressed in the scratching out of the word "support" got to me. Whether they bought the truck with this already on it or they put it on themselves, they felt strongly enough to leave the rest of the sticker on there while only removing the one word. It makes me wonder what the last straw was. Or when.
Or maybe they're just too lazy to remove the whole thing.
Or I guess another option is that someone passing by modified it for them.
Whatever the real story is, it certainly raises more questions than it answers.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Sorry for the absence, loyal readers. I've been up to my ears in work and I don't see that letting up any time soon. In the editorial part of the newsroom, we generally have three reporters (Zack, Ben and Me), a photographer (Sarah), an assistant (Chris), our features editor (Richard), our Sport Editor (Anthony) and at least one of our editors (Jody and KC).
But tomorrow and Saturday, it's going to be a bit more bare bones.
Ben is leaving for vacation for a week in Texas and Sarah will be gone for ten days to exotic locales like Puerto Rico and New York. Friday and Saturday are Zack's weekend, so he won't be here and KC will be gone even longer on medical leave.
So that means for the next two days I will be the crime reporter, the features reporter, schools reporter and our only photographer.
So let me just say that if you have any capers planned or if you're scheduling a giant car wreck, just hold your horses, OK?
I've already got enough to do.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 06:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

On Thursday, the California Supreme Court acknowledged that its homosexual citizens were, in fact, real people.
I’m as excited about this as anyone, but it took this long? Really?
It’s staggering to me that it has taken our country 221 years since the Constitution was adopted to acknowledge in only two coastal states that humans that are attracted to members of their same sex have the right to marry the person that they love.
But I think I’ve worked it out. At least partially.
The same day the news came I covered the ensuing celebration jumping off at the Ukiah Brewing Company. Afterwards, I heard one of the only dissenters of the day grumble that they were upset and “just wanted to hide somewhere.”
And of all the reaction to the news I heard or read that day, that is the one that has stuck in my head.
It stayed with me because I think that one statement sums up the entire divide between the two sides: It’s not just that opponents casually disagree with same-sex marriage, they view it as an attack to their very way of life.
“There is no issue today that is more significant to our culture than the defense of the family,” stated James Dobson, chairman of Focus on the Family, in his book “Marriage Under Fire.” “Not even the war on terror eclipses it.”
Because of course, out of everything, that’s our most pressing concern. I wonder how the victims of terrorism would feel about their deaths being eclipsed by an expression of love by two consenting adults.
“I don't believe there's any issue that's more important than this one,” said Louisiana Sen. David Vitter, a Louisiana Republican in 2006, a year before he was identified as a client of “D.C. Madam” Deborah Jeane Palfrey's prostitution service in Washington, D.C.
But how does same-sex marriage equal the downfall of modern civilization, you might ask?
“It will undermine the traditional relationship between men and women,” said Dobson on the October 6, 2005 edition of the Focus on the Family radio program. “The family is destroyed. That is the foundation for Western civilizations, and I tell you it will bring the destruction of this nation and many others if we go in that direction.”
I’m not sure that’s how it works. Now if they are advocating forced gay marriage I’m with you. Consider me the anti-forced nuptials candidate.
“Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms,” stated a portion of a sarcastic forwarded e-mail I received some years ago entitled “10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong.” “Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy or longer life spans.”
I’ve always sort of half-expected the world to end in my lifetime (nuclear war, zombie uprising, what have you) but I’ll be shocked if it has anything to do with two dudes kissing after saying “I do.”

Posted by Rob Burgess at 04:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

One of the catchiest songs I've heard in a long time is Pitbull's "The Anthem." I've been playing it pretty regularly for the past few weeks, but I've become intrigued by the songs two Spanish verses (the middle one is in English.) I have no problem getting down with a song I don't understand, but since I have taken three years of Spanish in high school and have actually visited Madrid, Spain, I've been trying to pick out pieces of the song that I can understand.
This hasn't been going well.
When I was forced to constantly use the language when I was in Europe my skills were much stronger than they are now (which is to say, they were still pretty weak.) But I've been out of practice ever since so trying to decipher entire song stantzas has been nearly impossible.
That's when I went to freetranslations.com.
I've used this site many times over the years with varying degrees of success. The site is good for small assignments like single words or ever entire phrases, but longer blocks of text it's almost useless at. Knowing his going in, I still tried to copy and paste the verses from the song into the translator. Here's what the first verse came out like:

Mommy, the black Mommy, the black Mommy, the black Mommy, the black Mommy, the black one this rabid one, the wants your azucar and your you are not given her That dark one this tasty one and when your touch it she goes crazy Mommy the black one this rabid one the wants your azucar and your are not given her That dark one this tasty one and when your touch it she goes crazy Mommy that basket what wants the black one? (To my that imports me?!) I what want is that lunatic (you give him give him lunatic) Mommy that basket what wants the black one? (To my that imports me?!) I what want is that lunatic (you give him give him lunatic)

Yikes. I think I get the general idea (or do I?) Just for fun, I decided to try to translate this new English text back into Spanish back into English using their translator once again. The result was something that was almost the same, but slightly more forceful-sounding ("wants" has been changed to "need" and then later to "desires"). Here's what came out the other side:

The mommy, the black Mommy, the black Mommy, the black Mommy, the black Mommy, the black one this rabid one one, the needs their azucar and their you is not given That darkness a this tasty one one and when their sound she goes crazy Mommy the black one this rabid one one the needs their azucar and their they are not him given That darkness a this tasty one one and when their sound She goes crazy Mommy that basket what desires the black one? (To my that imports me?)! I what desires is that lunatic (you give he gives him lunatic) Mommy that basket what desires the black one? (To my that imports me?)! I what desires is that lunatic (you give he gives him lunatic)

Posted by Rob Burgess at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Sunday was supposed to be my day off.
I was really excited though because the candidate surveys that I had been working on for the last few weeks were finally coming out and I couldn't wait to see my project come together.
But the universe, and our Web site, had other ideas.
As I checked our Web site I saw that all five stories I had put together had made it onto the site. So far, so good. Then, like an idiot, I checked the Topix forum.
And this is where my day took a turn.
It seems that underneath the headline "2nd District candidates answer UDJ questions" a paragraph about supporting Measure B had replaced my byline.
What?
The story hadn't been up an hour, but already someone who decided to hide behind their internet avatar criticized me for inserting my own opinions into my stories. I immediately responded that I had no idea what they were talking about that they should use their real name like I do if they want to start calling my integrity into question.
I then raced down to the office to try to fix the problem. I looked at the original story on our server and it looked fine, no weird paragraph I didn't write replacing my byline. I then figured out that it was the last part of Jim Mulheren's answer to the first question we posed. I copied the entire story into a new file and tried to upload that to the site. I checked the story on our home page and it was still wrong.
I responded once again that it was not my doing, I had no idea how to fix it and that they should check the print edition if they didn't believe me.
I should have stopped checking the forum at this point. Another anonymous hater got on the Web site and put my job title in quotation marks during their response. Then the first one got on again and retreated to the last refuge of any message board troller, condescend to your opponent on their grammar, spelling and punctuation.
I then called Zack, who was working on Sunday and had originally uploaded the pages, if he would try to see if he could fix it as I had not had any luck. He once again copied the text into a new document just like I had done and uploaded the story with the same result. I decided to keep my blood pressure below a boiling point I should just forget about and try to have a good night, which I did.
Today when I came into work after my "day off" and asked Brittany, our online editor, if I she could figure out what was wrong.
And you know what the problem was?
My "By ROB BURGESS" byline at the top was missing so the Web site, and I had no idea it could do this, grabbed the first sentence in the story it could find that began with the word "by." So instead of "By ROB BURGESS" it said "By passing Measure B..."
I know that most readers were smart and understanding enough to figure out I didn't write the out of place paragraph (it doesn't even sound like me or necessarily reflect my opinion), but the problem with all this is, of course, is that reasonable people who enjoy reading our articles almost never tell us about it. I'm just as guilty of this as anyone. How many articles have I read that I enjoyed that I just thought to myself "huh, that was interesting" and then went on about my day?
I will often relate to the world through movies and this whole debacle made me think of a scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". For some reason I feel the haters on the interweb would have been members of the crowd were we in medieval England:

The Witch: I'm not a witch I'm not a witch!
Sir Bedevere: But you are dressed as one
The Witch: *They* dressed me up like this!
Crowd: We didn't! We didn't...
The Witch: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
Sir Bedevere: [lifts up her false nose] Well?
Peasant 1: Well, we did do the nose.
Sir Bedevere: The nose?
Peasant 1: And the hat, but she is a witch!
Crowd: Yeah! Burn her! Burn her!

Posted by Rob Burgess at 10:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Well, the big day has finally arrived.
I would consider today’s edition of the Ukiah Daily Journal your one-stop source for the positions of all 11 supervisor candidates on the most pressing issues facing our valley as chosen by you, our readers.
I want to thank everyone who participated in this process, from the candidates who took the time to fill this out to those who submitted questions to you reading this right now.
I got the idea to do this from the last paper I worked at when they were covering a mayoral primary race. Of course, they only had three candidates at the time, so it was a bit easier to deal with, but this process has taught me a lot about what is most important to my fellow voters.
Personally, I’m still up in the air about who I’m going to vote for (I live in the 2nd district) but I will say this process has helped narrow down my choices. I hope it helps you to do the same, even if you already think you know who is getting your support.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 04:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I think I speak for all my colleagues here at the Journal when I say that Friday was a sad one.
No, it’s not just because we won’t be receiving our paychecks until the following Friday, although that fact isn’t helping get the party started either. We were all pretty down in the dumps May 9 because it was the last day for our chief photographer MacLeod Pappidas.
After finding a job at another daily newspaper in Aberdeen, Washington, hometown of Nirvana lead singer Kurt Cobain for what it's worth, he's leaving Northern California for sunny Washington state.
But fear not people of Ukiah, help is on the way. His replacement, our former assistant photographer Sarah Baldick, is an amazing person and fantastic photographer. For a small town newspaper I've been amazed at the level of talented photographers we've been blessed with especially since the last newspaper I worked at didn't even have a photographer on staff. We just had two point and shoots we took with us on assignment.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 01:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This is just a quick update to let everyone know that I have received all of the candidate survey answers. I'm currently in the process of putting everything together and all I have to say is, I'm glad we have more room on Sunday. Honestly, if you're looking for a one-stop guide to how all 11 candidates come down on the most important issues I would highly suggest picking up Sunday's paper. I hope you're all as excited as I am.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 11:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Since I'm somewhat behind the curve on gaming systems, due to some, um, payment issues, I have just begun filling out my collection of the freshly defunct XBOX and Playstation 2 gaming systems. This is good for me financially because as new technology is released, the old technology, while still perfectly usable in most cases, drops significantly in price. For example, I can remember my parents dropping over a grand on our first home desktop computer, which now has about the same, if not less, capabilities as my moderately-priced cell phone.
The downside to all this used game buying is that I get the dregs of people's gaming collections, while they keep the best games for themselves. So while I might be hard-pressed to find a copy of Katamari Damacy or and of the Grand Theft Auto series, they've got football and basketball games from previous years for days.
So after perusing these less-loved games from such trusted gaming sources as The History Channel and The U.S. Army, I was shocked, but not necessarily surprised that the National Rifle Association came out with a first-person shooter. I was a bit horrified to learn that it was rated E for Everyone until I saw that you're only target practicing, not hunting for the most dangerous game (in case you haven't seen the Ice-T movie of the same name, the most dangerous game is, of course, people). I guess it's better that they get a virtual skeet shooting experience everyone can get behind instead of trying to convince your Dad that the copy of Vice City you're trying to sneak by him isn't the one with the sex mini-game.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 03:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

The clock is ticking and the end of the period when you can submit answers to the questions I sent the supervisor candidates is extremely nigh.
In case you missed it, on April 18, I put out a call for any questions the voters of Mendocino County had for the 11 supervisor candidates. More than two dozen responses later I had compiled six questions for the hopefuls covering an array of topics: marijuana, planning, water, county concerns vs. those of particular districts, county administration and the supervisor’s self-approved raise.
On April 23 I sent the questionairre to the candidates in both snail- and electronic-mail formats. In addition, I once again asked you, their potential constituents, for your help by sumbiting your answers along with them to me at udjrb@pacific.net. The deadline for both you and the candidates is Monday. We’ve planned an extra-special edition for May 11 featuring all the responses split into four different stories, one for each of the three districts up for election and a fourth for your answers.
I was asked by one of the candidates after reviewing the survey how long their answers should be. I told them that since this was the only thing we had planned for that day and because it was a Sunday edition, which always has more space, I didn’t have any problem printing whatever was sent to me. Keep in mind though, the more consise you are, the more likely others will be to read and understanding your positions.
Also, I got a call from John Pinches, 3rd district supervisor, asking me to clear up a statement I had made in the introduction to one of the questions. I had stated that he had said that “marijuana in Mendocino County constitutes two-thirds of its economy.” He wanted me to clarify this by adding that he was repeating what a consultant hired by the county had said and not just picking a number out of the air.
So without any further delay, here are the six burning questions we’re all looking forward to hearing the answers to:
1) What is your opinion of Measure B and what should be done about the cultivation marijuana, medical or otherwise, in the county?
2) What is your overall planning philosophy for the county and what specific changes would you make to further that philosophy?
3) How would you use your vote and position on the board to alleviate the county’s current and future water concerns?
4) How will you balance concerns of your own district and concerns of the whole county?
5) What changes, if any, would you make as supervisor to the way the Mendocino County government conducts business?
6) Do you support the board’s self-imposed pay raise and would you serve at the previous salary if elected?

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Twenty-five years ago today I was born in Bloomington, Indiana by a C-section. Then, I was a naked, helpless newborn and now I'm a clothed, full-time daily newspaper reporter, so I think things have been on an upswing ever since. It's an odd feeling having turned a age that can be used to neatly divide a century into four equal pieces. I think the weirdest thing is not having a significant event to look forward to that will change on birthday for a while. I mean, I guess other than not being eligible for the draft after my next birthday (hooray!). And I guess my car insurance rates supposed to go down soon or something. You know how every wedding anniversary has a theme to it? I feel like every year of your life should be commemorated the same way. If I were a wedding anniversary this would be my silver anniversary. Keep that in mind when you're thinking of presents to buy me.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 05:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

I love watching movies more than almost anything else.
This is fortunate because this is one of the things that brought my girlfriend Ash and I together. What makes this even better is that with our powers combined, we have a fairly impressive library of DVDs and VHS tapes in our apartment.
One of the best things about this mountain of cinema, especially the VHS tapes, is the previews that appear in the minutes before the featured presentation. At the time they were meant to be sneak previews of whatever new blockbusters were about to come out at around the same time as the film in question. For me they now they serve as a time capsule for period they were created in.
My favorite previews out of any of them are the ones where they’re trying to convince me to switch to the next format they‘ve created. Since I never bought into the whole Beta-Max format (I was only five when VHS was declared the unofficial winner) I don’t have a record of them trying to convince me to upgrade to VHS. On my VHS tapes circa 1997 or so though, I have a record of the movie industry presenting me with this strange new technology called Digital Video Disc.
There are several different versions of this commercial, but they all have the same general plot. It starts with a voiceover from Donald LaFontaine, the movie trailer guy, saying “This is DVD.” We then see a blank floating disc fall from the sky and into a sleek new player. “And this is what happens when you watch DVD.” What follows after this statement is a montage of explosions intermixed with helpless family members screaming for mercy, their doubts about this new format wilting in the glow of the DVD’s awesomeness.
What I have never understood, and what no one has adequately explained to me, is how I’m supposed to think this is so amazing when I’m watching the preview for the new technology on the old format they’re trying to tell me is outdated. Why don’t they just make the old thing do what it’s doing right now all the time? Then we wouldn’t have to upgrade, right?
I haven’t bought very many new DVDs lately, but in the last few months I’ve been inundated with a new barrage of these kind of previews on movies I‘ve rented. The original VHS to DVD switch was a simple trade-off, but like the Beta-Max vs. VHS war, the HD DVD vs. Blu-ray face-off was another battle royale. And this time, the revolution was not only televised, but it was accessible at any time.
“Everything you know about DVD, just got better,” said Mr. LaFontaine over the image of another floating disc, this one HD DVD. The commercial then goes on to explain to me (after many, many explosions of course) how this is the “look and sound of perfect.”
Somehow, I feel like I’ve heard this before.
Sadly, in Jan., Warner Brothers, the only major studio still releasing movies in both HD DVD and Blu-ray Disc format, announced it would release only in Blu-ray Disc after May. This has to be disappointing for people who bought in to the HD DVD concept, but I honestly can’t feel too bad for them. Just like the people who bought iPhones for full price a week before the price was slashed almost in half by Apple, it’s the price you pay for being able to be the first kid on the block with the new toy.
I’m sure I’ll get around to picking up a Blu-ray player at some point, probably when I have no other choice. For now though, I‘m still dealing with VHS. And I’ll continue to buy new movies on DVD too, when I can afford it, for as long they keep making them.
I’m sure by the time I do get around to upgrading, they’ll have some more explosions and a new format I hadn‘t even considered yet to show me.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Five days have passed since I asked for a survey questions from the voters of Mendocino County for the 11 supervisor candidates in the running this election cycle and all I can say is that I’m stoked about the reaction.
After sifting through the over two dozen responses, most including multiple queries, I found six common themes which I combined into questions: marijuana, planning, water, county concerns vs. those of particular districts, county administration and the supervisor’s self-approved raise.
I’m sending these forms out to the candidates Wednesday with a May 5 return deadline. The idea is to sort their answers by the district they’re running for and print three separate stories with their responses in a super-sized edition a few days later.
But then I thought, why let them have all the fun? Why not let the public have a go and answering some of the burning questions facing the area? After all, you basically came up with them anyway. So, send your answers to the following questions to me at udjrb@pacific.net by May 5 and I’ll include as many of them as I can in a fourth story the same day as the candidates.
And as one community member who sent me a list of questions put it, “be brave and answer”:

Marijuana
1) Third District supervisor John Pinches has said marijuana in Mendocino County constitutes two-thirds of its economy. The board has taken up the issue of medical marijuana several times over the course of the last few months, at last count limiting the number of plants per parcel to 25 regardless of the number of approved patients living there. If your name is on the ballot for supervisor come June 3, you’re going to have it printed on the same sheet of paper as Measure B.
The question is:
What is your opinion of Measure B and what should be done about the cultivation marijuana, medical or otherwise, in the county?

Planning
2) By far the most talked-about issue of those who responded with questions for the candidates was issues of planning and the future of the valley. Everything from improvement of county roads to the idea of a meat process plant/slaughter house to development of living wage jobs to, of course, the development of the former Masonite site was brought up.
The question is:
What is your overall planning philosophy for the county and what specific changes would you make to further that philosophy?

Water
3) Speaking of planning, the availability of water was another hot issue with those who responded with questions. Two of the area’s most profitable agricultural industries, marijuana and wine, require high amounts of water, yet several parts of the county, including Redwood Valley, have struggled to find it.
The question is:
How would you use your vote and position on the board to alleviate the county’s current and future water concerns?

County vs. District
4) Citizens who responded with questions were also concerned about favoritism of supervisors to their own districts and not the county in general. Topics such as candidate’s positions on property rights such as the Coastal Commission overturning local decisions, supervisors voting their beliefs over those of their constituents and special interests influencing voting were all brought up.
The question is:
How will you balance concerns of your own district and concerns of the whole county?

County administration
5) Several county residents who submitted questions raised concerns with the current configuration of county government. Issues such as the balance of power between the CEO and the board; staff overtime; the consolidation of mental health, social services and public health; clarity of the county budget and the fair campaign ordinance were all raised.
The question is:
What changes, if any, would you make as supervisor to the way the Mendocino County government conducts business?

Supervisors’ raise
6) In August, the board repealed the previous 43 percent pay raise, which was directly tied to the Superior Court judges' salary. Immediately following the repeal, the board approved a new compensation ordinance with the same pay raise in it.
The question is:
Do you support the board’s self-imposed pay raise and would you serve at the previous salary if elected?

Posted by Rob Burgess at 12:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I got my eyes checked today for the first time in almost a year. I tried to wait as long as I could before going back, but I finally realized I couldn't wait any longer. I'm on my last pair of contacts now and my glasses are coming up on eight years old.
Everything was going fine during the exam until it came to the pressure-checking portion. I'm sure you know the part I'm talking about. It's the part where they give you the numbing drops with and then poke at your eyes to check for cataracts. At my old eye doctor they had a big machine that had a blue light that would slowly come in for the kill. Actually I didn't realize until a few years ago that it was actually touching my eye and applying pressure. I just thought they were shining this cool-looking blue lazer beam into the back of my skull.
This particular eye doctor I went to today didn't have this machine- he had a ballpoint pen-looking instrument that he swore did the same thing. He even had a tiny condom-looking cover he rolled over the top, I guess in an effort to sterilize the thing before prodding my eye.
The other thing that freaked me out was that he didn't turn off the lights. Actually, looking back I'm glad he didn't. I don't know about you, but when someone is poking at my eyes, I want them to have as much visibility as possible. I guess I was just pining for the days when I was being zapped by the friendly blue light with all the other lights in the room off.
It was over fairly quickly and the good news is with just a few days left of my 24th year of life, I have been declared cataract free. Hooray!
I think I'm honestly more afraid of getting my eye poked again with the testing pen of doom than I am of actually getting cataracts in my mid 20's.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 04:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

The letter didn’t have a return address.
All I could tell from the of the outside of the white envelope was that it was sent from Seattle on April 12 and that my name had been stamped onto a sticker attached to the front with what looked like a dot matrix printer.
As I ripped open the top of the envelope, I found that the only contents was four tri-folded pieces of paper. The words: “MAKE $250,000 IN WEEKS” were printed on the top of the first page. Below that the letter declared that “Oprah Winfrey and ABC’s investigation team 20/20 prove it can be done.”
It only took one more phrase found near the bottom of this page to confirm my suspicions about what it was:
“THIS IS NOT A PYRAMID SCAM!!!”
This is was a pyramid scheme.
You and I have all gotten these countless times over the years I’m sure, but lately I seem to recieve the majority of them in my e-mail inbox from supposedly confused foreigners who want to “intimate you a transaction involving transfer of US$14.5M abroad, in which I would seek your assistance in receiving the funds.” It’s easy to simply send these to the recycling bin, after sharing a good laugh with anyone near of course, because they’re e-mails. How hard is it to send an e-mail? I can do that from my phone. So what?
But this was mailed, and I haven’t gotten one in the mail in years. And as I read on, I found out just how much time and money the sender spent getting it to me.
“Greetings! I am a retired attorney,” stated the first line of the second page of the document. After reading this I checked the back of the letter and saw it had not been signed. I guess this particular lawyer was out sick the day at law school when they covered the importance of writing your name on correspondence.
During the next two paragraphs this nameless legal eagle detailed his transition from skeptic to evangelist three months after first hearing of the scam, I mean money making opportunity when their “income totaled $2,244,179!!!!” (I’m getting the impression that that kind of money can buy you a lot of excess punctuation.)
Before they got to the meat of the argument they waved what should have been, in my opinion, a giant red flag to any recipients who were still on the edge about whether or not to sign up.
“Keep what you are doing to yourself for a while,” they wrote. “Many will tell you it won’t work and will try to talk you out of your dreams. Let them know and see your success after it works.”
Yes, just like every other reputable investment opportunity.
Near the bottom of the page it outlined the simple instructions:
1. Send $1.00 to each of the six names listed and on a sheet of paper enclosed, request that you be added to their mailing list with your name and address.
2. Remove the name in the number one position and move each of the other names up one place (2 becomes 1) (3 becomes 2) etc. Put your name in the sixth position.
3. After completing the above instructions, photocopy at least 200 copies of this letter.
4. Purchase a mailing list of names from one of the recommended companies.
Below this was the name of three such companies: Data Line LLC, Bookworm Benny and First International Publication.
Then it was just as easy as sending it out to the purchased names and addresses and kicking back while the cash and expendable exclamation marks rolled in.
So if the person who sent this to me, who by my calculations was someone in Kent, Wash., followed the directions completely they had spent around $202 getting this to me and the 199 others.
I decided I had to find out how this was working out for them. I realized it wouldn’t be easy as no phone numbers of those who had participated had been provided. Added to that there was that section earlier in the letter about keeping their unbelievable success to themselves.
After dialing directory assistance a half-dozen times I found that four of the six on my list had unlisted numbers. Coming away with only two contacts, I dialed the number of a gentleman in Girard, Ga. who appeared in the number five position on my list.
He answered and we talked for a minute or two. and said he had sent the letter out about 60 days ago. I asked him how much money he had gotten sent back.
“Oh, God not much,” he said. “Probably only about $20. It said sometimes it takes two to three months to do the cycle.”
I’m sure it did.
I wished him luck and hung up. He seemed nice enough and I honestly did feel bad that he was $182 in the red on the deal.
I picked up the phone and called the only other number I was able to find, a man residing in Nanticoke, Pa.
The phone rang thrice before I heard the click of someone picking up.
“Hello?” I said.
Nothing, except slow breathing.
“He-llo?” I said again.
Click.
I re-cradled the receiver and called back. This time it rang five times before an answering machine came on and delivered a brusque message. There was a beep. I hung up.
Oh well, I thought as I refolded the letter. Maybe they were too busy counting their money to talk. With or without exclamation points.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 03:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey there, Rob Burgess here.

I was just working on the idea of sending a list of survey questions to 11 supervisorial candidates today and I was trying to think of things to ask them. I thought of a few good ones, but then I realized that the best thing to do would be to ask you, my fellow voters, what you wanted to know from those in the running.

So, here's the plan: send your ideas to me at udjrb@pacific.net by Tuesday and I'll pick the best six or so and send them to the candidates. I'll give them until May 5 to respond and we'll try to fit them all into one big edition a few days later.

Good luck, and I look forward to see what you come up with.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 03:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I'm always amazed there was a time I didn't know what the internet was. I remember I was 12 when I found out we were getting it. A week or two before we got it I kept asking my Dad all these questions about it like, "Now these addresses, you have to type them more than once? And it takes you to a web page? I don't underSTAND!"
Now I have no less than half a dozen accounts on an array of social networking sites that range from professional to, well, less professional. I've lost any illusion of the anonymity and with the Patriot Act along with any halfway competent person with computer hacking skills could find pretty much my whole life's story with a few clicks of the mouse.
An invitation from the professional networking site LinkedIn forced me contemplate reducing presence of information available on the web. Then I realized that places like the Wayback Machine we're already archived. No!
Besides the fact that I feel my own privacy has been violated, by own doing of course, I am constantly assaulted with information pertaining to people I'm 'friends' with online, but who haven't said a word to me in years. Or ever.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 12:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Wow do I wish this election cycle were over. Honestly if you can't make up your mind if you want Hillary or Barack by now you're a fool and shouldn't be allowed to vote. Who are these double digit percentage points of people who can't make up their mind? Decide already!
I wouldn't care so much except by this point we're so far from real issues and we're not even close to talking about anything that matters. Read the following excerpt and tell me if you think it warrants a "scandal" lasting multiple weeks:

"You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton Administration, and the Bush Administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not.
"And it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations."

Posted by Rob Burgess at 03:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Downtown Ukiah is currently an obstacle course of construction vehicles and road crews attempting to repave the city streets. This has wreaked havoc on many a commuter this morning. I myself had to drive an extra five to six blocks just to park at the back of the Journal. The front of the Journal's office is closed to through traffic and flaggers are directing traffic away.
Did any of this stop the Party Bench? No way. Check this picture from Friday out:

Upon closer inspection you can see a balled up foil wrapper, an empty glass flask of Smirnoff Vodka (hey, the Party Bench is stepping up the quality) and a plastic bag that declared that it once held a pannini sandwich from Safeway.
Party on, bench!

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

After living in California for the last eight months and all I can say is, you people really love John Mellencamp.
Nowadays, if I need a Mellencamp fix all I have to do is scan through the local radio stations and more often than not “Pink Houses” or “Jack and Diane” will grace the speakers of my car stereo. I have a similar theory about the television show “Law and Order” which states that can turn on the television on at any point during the day and an episode of at least one of the show’s spinoffs will be playing.
This is significant because I am from southern Indiana and I thought we loved our native son more than anyone else.
I get reconfirmation of how wrong I was every time I tell someone where I grew up.
“Oh, really?” they ask, they eyes beginning to widen. “Do you know John Mellencamp?”
Of course, everyone in southern Indiana personally “knows” John Mellencamp the way everyone seems to magically be childhood friends with the favorite son of any town. Everyone from my neck of the woods has had at least story about a personal run-in with the chain-smoking Rock and Roll Hall of Famer.
So in short, yes, we all know John Mellencamp.
But you people...you people love this guy. And I can’t blame you. I had something similar happen to me before I moved here.
As I was gearing up for the cross-country drive I felt that I had to mentally prepare myself for the culture and geography of the place I was about to move to. Being a music lover, that meant that I had to find absolutely every kind of music to spring from the Bay area from Sly Stone to Too Short to E-40 and then listen to it obsessively. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that I even added some Steve Miller Band in the mix too just based on the line in “Rockin’ Me Baby” where he talks about the girls in Northern California having above average body temperatures.
I drank it all in expecting to hear the Doobie Brother’s song “Ukiah” to magically start playing as I pulled off Highway 101 just after a rousing rendition of Willie Nelson’s “Mendocino County Line.”
So you see, we’re not that different you Californians and I. Looking back I guess we were just looking across the country at each other saying “Huh, that looks interesting. Now if you’ll excuse me, I see that another episode of ‘Law and Order: SVU is coming on.”

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

With the recent heckling of Chelsea Clinton with a Monica Lewinsky reference in Indianapolis and someone burning down her mom's Indiana headquarters in Terre Haute just last night, here's a little prediction: Indiana will go to John McCain come November. I say this because Indiana, despite what it's neighbors do in presidential elections, has not gone to anyone besides the Republicans since 1964 when it went to Lyndon Johnson. And that's only after he aired this commercial basically saying if Goldwater were elected we were all gonna die.
Here's a map of the 1996 presidential election for an idea of what I'm talking about:

So drink it all while you still can, Hillary and Barack, come November neither of you is going to get nearly as much love from the Hoosier state as you are right now at your rallies.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 03:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (1)

I absolutely hate getting the mail. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.
And the thing is, I used to love it. When I was a kid fun things came in the mail all the time. If it wasn't a card with money inside of it from a relative in commemoration of one of many holidays then it was one of the many magazine subscriptions I had like ZooBooks or Boy's Life or Sports Illustrated or Entertainment Weekly (It probably goes without saying, but I was subscribed to these all at different points).
Lately though, I've been considering getting a magazine subscription again just to make myself feel better when I'm confronted by the barrage of bills, junk mail and general bad news I'm confronted with every time I dare to shove the tiny key into my mailbox. To be fair, my friends and family do send me cards, packages and gifts regularly so I can't say it's all bad, but for the most part I find I have to crunch a few antacid tablets every time I do check my box.
So imagine my surprise when I opened what looked like a handwritten birthday card from a resturant here in town I had never been to. Inside the card, which addressed me as Robert, was a free entree coupon to be used any time before the end of the month in commemoration of my 25th birthday. I was pleased to get the Star's Restaurant voucher, but was also confused about how they knew so much about me.
Puzzled, but also hungry, my girlfriend Ash and I went that very night and had a lovely, well-decorated meal at their fine establishment. As I was paying the bill I asked the waitresses where they got them from. They seemed similarly clueless as to the source of my information, but one of them said she thought she heard the owner say that they bought the list of names, addresses and birthdays from somewhere, possibly a dentist or a doctor somewhere in town. I said that I appreciated the thought, it was actually a pretty good meal, but I left still lacking a definitive answer to my question.
Who did they buy this from? Has anyone else received these?
Until I know more, all I can say is that potential identity theft has never been more delicious.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 10:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

I finally got the license plates on my car changed to California from Indiana a mere eight months after moving from the "Crossroads of America" to, well, here. (According to the DMV's Web site I think I was supposed to do this within 10 days of moving here. Whoops. Better late than never!) I would have liked to have hung on to my Indiana plates if for no other reason than I wouldn't have had to go through the smog check process (my car passed, thankfully). But, as I saw that my license was about to expire on my birthday (the 29th of this month) I thought they might have become suspicious if I got a new license without getting a new plate for my car. (There's a reason I'll never be a master criminal).
The most surprising part of the whole ordeal (besides the fact they actually have a visible wall clock in the DMVs here in California, at least the one I went to anyway) was that I had to retake the written test. Twice. I haven't taken a driving test of any kind since I was 16 and I'm not too proud to say that I had a little trouble with some of the answers. I maintain this is not completely my fault as I believe that in Indiana there are no U-Turns and walking out in front of traffic is not considered kosher or a God-given right. (I swear pedestrians in California act like they're teaching me a life lesson every time they jump out in front of traffic.)
I nearly had to take the test three times, but in the end I was told by the helpful woman behind the counter that my license would be coming in the mail in a few weeks as she handed me back my Indiana license, now with a newly-punched hole in it.
Unfortunately I was forced to turn in my Indiana plate when I got my California tags, but they let me keep my license. Barring the new circle cut out of it in the top right corner, it is technically still valid for another 22 days. I can't think of any weird fun I could have with it for the next three weeks while it's still valid. Too bad there isn't a native Hoosier-only club here in Ukiah. I'd be so in right now.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 05:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

For the purposes of this week’s column I wish I could assume the identity of one of my favorite authors, Chuck Klosterman (for many other reasons come to think of it) so I could grant myself permission to reprint the chapter from his essay collection “Sex, Drugs and CoCoa Puffs” entitled “All I Know Is What I Read In The Papers” in its entirety.
Besides the fact that readers are often assumed to be illiterate (“Every discussion I’ve ever had with an editor has stressed that people despise the process of reading.”) and that many sports writers actually hate sports as no one ever asks them their opinions about anything else, what puts him off is that people who are angry with the media are often completely misguided in what they should be upset about.
One of the things that hit home for me about this essay is the section where he covers reporter bias. This is the old standby of the newspaper haters of the world and I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard about it in my life.
In early February I received a supposedly alarming e-mail that I think was accidentally sent to me from a local group announcing that “with the well appreciated exceptions of the Anderson Valley Advertiser and Mendocino Country Independent, ALL the following local newspapers are owned by the SAME company: MediaNews Group. A closely held (not publicly traded) corporation.” The e-mail went on to say that the Journal was one of the “arms of the octopus” of MediaNews Group, which it is, and that it also owns several other local news outlets, which it does.
The point of this was to imply that there was some hidden agenda being pushed by this corporation and everyone, from the top down was a part of it.
I promise you, from the bottom of my bleeding liberal heart this is so not true.
“Are media outlets controlled by massive, conservative corporations?” wrote Klosterman. “Well, of course they are. Massive conservative corporations own everything. Are most individual members of the media politically liberal? Absolutely. If talented writers honestly thought the world didn’t need to be changed, they’d take jobs in advertising that are half as difficult and three times as lucrative. So in theory all the long-standing conspiracies about media motives are true. But, in practice, they’re basically irrelevant, at least in the newspaper industry.”
Why just this week I was accused of being my editor “ KC's trained monkey” in an e-mail from a source. This really couldn’t be further from the truth. Once again, I promise you, I have had more freedom to cover what I want when I want at this job than I’ve had at pretty much every other place I’ve been employed, summer camp included, and I love this job for that.
“The single most important impact of any story is far less sinister: Mostly it all comes down to (a) who the journalist has called, and (b) which of those people happens to call back first,” he wrote.
Who I call and who calls me back first has a direct influence on not only what I write, but what questions I will ask the people who I talk to next. It’s just that simple. I simply don’t have the time, energy or desire to manipulate a story about, say, a local elementary school collecting something for a good cause for my own nefarious purposes.
“I worked in the Knight Ridder chain for four years, and I never got the impression that the CEO read anything, except maybe ‘Golf Digest’,” he wrote.
So, if you’re going to accuse this journalist of anything, please make it something reasonable like the fact that I am no where near as good at expressing myself as the writers I idolize. I will apologize for that.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 04:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I had heard last week that Chelsea Clinton got asked about Monica Lewinsky. What I didn't know until yesterday was that it was someone from Butler University in Indianapolis, Indiana.
Oh, goodness.
To my fellow Hoosiers, let me say something:
We haven't been politically relevant in national politics for years and the one time we get some big names coming through, this is what happens? You ask Chelsea Clinton about her father's surely eternally embarrassing-to-her sexual escapades? Really? Leave the poor girl alone for pity's sake.
This is why we can't have nice things, Indiana. This is why we can't have nice things.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 03:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

My brother Chris sent me a link to an entry on the Web site Urban Dictionary for the word Burgess. On the site there are two definitively different definitions for our last name:

1. Burgess

A person who has particularly rank body odor or to be generally socially unacceptable.
Examples:
"Wow that dead guy really smells like Burgess"
"This van smells like Burgess"

2. Burgess

A work of fiction that is more similar to the effects of LSD than it is to real life.
Examples:
"Did you see that new movie....its so burgess!"
"I am so freaked by those burgess images in that film!"

I've never actually heard either of these in common usage, but as you can probably guess, I'm much more fond of the second one. It most likely has to do with one of the cooler Burgesses in history, (excluding Burgess Meredith since it's his first name) Anthony Burgess who, among other things, wrote the classic "Clockwork Orange".
The ranking system for the Urban Dictionary works on consensus and so far the two definitions posted there covering the less flattering definition have a combined total of 49 "thumbs up" votes and 30 "thumbs down" votes (the majority of which I'm guessing are other Burgesses or Burgess sympathizers). The more favorable definition relating to the late author has only one vote either way. (Note to other Burgesses: We need to get on this problem, Burgesses unite!)
In this case I feel somewhat like the Michael Bolton character from the movie "Office Space" who found that his name perfectly acceptable and "there was nothing wrong with it...until I was about 12 years old" when the same-named performer became popular and everyone began associating the two.
I'm guessing there was just one unpleasant Burgess who ruined it for the rest of us.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 02:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If you've never been to the fair city of Ukiah, School Street, where the Ukiah Daily Journal resides, is one of the nicest parts of town. I take my dog on walks here when it's not raining and when the weather is warm the farmer's market sets up shop on a block-long strip Saturday mornings. When you think of an idyllic small town scene featuring unique local businesses, that's School Street.
The parking for Journal employees sits to side and behind the front of the building on School Street, so I barely ever enter through the front door. Almost every time I have though I've noticed a single concrete bench that sits just in front of the handicap-accessible ramp always has something scandalous on it, in stark contrast to the Mayberry-esque feel of the street it calls home.
I've come to call this the Party Bench.
My first experience with the Party Bench was when I had stepped outside to talk on my cell phone one day while I was at work. I walked by the bench and saw a business card sticking out from the side. Curious, I kicked it off with my foot and bent down to inspect it. It was a business card for a check cashing place. Nothing too off about that other than the fact that I consider check cashing businesses some of the most evil, predatory businesses in existence. (Have you ever actually seen their repayment terms? Outrageous!)
The next time I was out there about a week later I saw a flask-sized bottle of some type of vodka I had never heard of sitting defiantly on the Party Bench--and after attending Indiana University for four years, I thought I had seen every kind of cheap vodka. (Oh, Skol and Kamchatka, how I won't miss you.)
A month or two later I walked by the Party Bench again and this time I saw a lone film canister sitting on it. Knowing the bench's reputation, I was pretty sure it was something illicit. As I popped the top of the plastic cylinder open I found that I wasn't disappointed as it was packed to the gills with marijuana. I immediately walked inside and plopped it on the front desk, telling Linda, who works up front in Classified Sales, that if anyone came looking for their misplaced film canister of bud, they need to look no further. She later told me she dumped it out in the parking lot. (Sorry to be player hating, bench).
It's been a few months since the last incident and since then I've checked the Party Bench from time to time to see what other remnants of a potentially illegal good time it's been having lately. So far I haven't found anything. I can understand though--as George Costanza on "Seinfeld" learned, sometime's it's best to leave on a high note rather than continual trying to top yourself.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 07:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I really do hate it when Ben Brown is gone.
It’s nothing to do with him personally, although do like him a great deal and his company is always welcome. What I miss most in his absence is that I have to be crime reporter.
And this is my least favorite part of this job.
When he’s gone I live in constant fear that today is going to be that someone will blow a hole in the wall of the county jail, releasing all the inmates before going on a high speed chase which ends in a fiery accident which causes a forest fire which somehow triggers a flood.
Ben’s stories are consistently the most read on both our Web site and in print, mostly because they apply to everyone. Who doesn’t want to know who accidentally shot themselves at the gun range or got caught pretending to be police officers while stealing someone else’s marijuana at gun point?
In the past year since I’ve become a full-time journalist I’ve only had to go to one motorcycle accident, a single house fire and two court dates. While I was there I hated every minute of it.
The thing I hate most about doing Ben’s job is that I’m playing with people’s lives when I write a crime story. Forget to include the word “allegedly” or the phrase “on suspicion of” and you’ve just convicted someone of doing something in print before they ever get their case heard by a jury.
I’m writing this at the end of my Saturday shift here at the Journal because I don’t want to jinx myself, but this time around has been pretty smooth as well.
I’ve been responsible for Ben’s job for the past few days and barring a few close calls the most I’ve had to deal with is the police report and an unsettling story about a child abuser.
My good luck almost ran out today when I heard about a traffic collision south of Willits on Highway 101, but after it was determined to have only minor injuries I was thankfully spared from covering it.
So in summation, I just want to thank all the reckless drivers, criminal masterminds and general degenerates for holding off on your sprees while I am the action reporter.
We always sell more papers when there are big stories and I want the Journal to do well financially, so please continue with your capers starting Monday.
I’ll be miles away, typing about something far less exhilarating, just the way I like it.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 04:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (1)

A quick look at the bracket a dime borrowed from my coworker Zack's pocket picked for the men's NCAA Division I Men's Basketball Tournament proves that it was a bad year for teams with funny names (Austin Peay, Oral Roberts, you will be sorely missed.)
To my great surprise #13 Siena, the team that the frozen image of Franklin Delano Roosevelt saw going all the way, actually made it out of the first round by defeating #4 Vanderbilt, but missed the Sweet Sixteen by falling to the similarly named Villanova.
In fact, as we find out who the Elite Eight are, the only team I still have in the mix that I picked to go any further are the Michigan St. Spartans. I have them, excuse me, the coin, has them going to the final game before loosing to Siena. (whoops)
The one thing I did learn from all this was the random selection was right almost half of the time, with 15 of the 32 teams the coin picked making it out the first round. I almost never do this well when I pick by myself.
I was really hoping the coin would be right, if for no other reason that I think any school who selects a St. Bernard as its mascot deserves to do well.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

So I'm in line at Safeway buying some things for dinner with my girlfriend Ash and we're ready to check out. The only two registers open in the entire store are the express lanes and they are jam-packed. The line for the further one from us extends clear into the aisle across the way from the lane. The one closest to us makes a sharp turn at a barrel of discounted items towards us. We post up behind a nervous looking man holding a pair of soup cans close to his chest. As we take our place in line I see a woman coming from the opposite direction break through the longer line and takes her position on the other side of the soup man, making the line "Y" shape. As she approaches I make sure to look her in the eye and I figure we have an unspoken understanding that I was there first and will be subsequently cutting in front of her, which I do, with no protest--from her anyway.
At this point a petite, bespectacled woman in the other line who has an entire cart-full of apple juice containers turns to the woman behind us and says, "Did they just cut in front of you?" And before she could answer the bespectacled woman addresses us and says the same thing. I then inform her that no, in fact, we did not. She mumbles that we did. At this point I offer the woman behind us to cut us in line if it's so important to her. Once again, before the woman I'm actually talking to can respond the nosy woman says, "oh no, she's fine."

At this point in the conversation I'd like to point out that:
a) I'm pretty sure these two women don't know each other
b) The woman behind us probably just got caught up in the madness of her new "friend"
and most importantly...
c) If someone offers you a way out of something and you say "no" you have automatically lost the right to complain about it.

Then, to my utter shock and amazement they CONTINUE to talk to each other about us "cutting" her loudly. After a few seconds of this, I turned around and offered my place in line again. They once again refuse. "You're obviously still upset about it," says Ash to which the bespectacled woman replies "We were just chit-chatting". Yeah right. After this we walk behind them and force them in front of us. The conversation between the two stops and we all stand uncomfortably around as the line creeps forward for the rest of the time.
The thing that bothered me most about all this is if she had asked us if she could get in front of us, even and especially if we had cut her, which we didn't, I would have been more than happy to let her go. She had like three things to our five and I couldn't care less. It just seems me that some people are looking for a situation where they can be victim even if it's imaginary and even if it's happening to someone else and even after they are offered a way out.
I guess some of us need the "other" pushing against them at all times, even if it's not real, to feel normal.

Posted by Rob Burgess at 03:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Pssst.
I’m probably not supposed to be telling you this, but come closer and I’ll let you in on something. Ready? Here goes:
Journalists have opinions about the subject they write about.
I know, I know. There is no opinion is journalism. Just like there is no ‘i’ in team or crying in baseball. But look, newspapers, from the top down are produced by people. And real life human beings form beliefs based on situations they are exposed to.
Even the most sanitized, balanced writer is bound to let some of their real-life prejudice towards one side or the other slip once in a while. That goes for the choice of words to the amount of attention a particular aspect of a story is given.
Gonzo journalists like Chuck Klosterman (“Killing Yourself to Live”), Hunter S. Thompson (“Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”) and Tom Wolfe (“ The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test”) realized this, threw their opinions into their writing and jumped in after them. These writers are my heroes, but the main problem I have with their genre is often head-scratching blurring of the lines between fiction and reality. Dream sequences, invented characters and exaggerated descriptions can often occur and can make trying to suss out what is real and what isn’t challenging.
This leads me to my new obsession, the Showtime series “Penn & Teller: B.S.” (READ: the name is not actually ‘B.S.’). The show is hosted by magicians/comedians Penn Jillette and Teller and each half-hour long episode covers a topic they are set on debunking.
The show is far from unbiased and I don’t always agree with the position the hosts take. What I do love about though is that the facts and opposing viewpoints surrounding each topic are presented just as often as their wholly separate opinions. I enjoy the fact that the duo assumes I’ll be able to figure out the difference between their opinion and fact and moves on.
“(‘B.S.’) isn't journalism, exactly,” wrote Noel Murray in his 2004 review of the show for satirical newspaper “The Onion”. “The show is one-sided by design: P&T's field interviewers rarely confront their subjects with the evidence against them, preferring to let the crackpots ramble on so that Jillette's voiceover rejoinders can score points without inciting a real argument.”
I don’t have a problem with that though. What I do have a problem with is the “truthiness” that has overtaken the new breed of loud, talking-head news programs.
“I don't trust books,” said comedian Stephen Colbert, originator of the word, in 2005. “They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. We are divided between those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.”
People like Bill O’Reilly insert their opinion into their reporting too, but they go one step further by distorting and taking out of context the facts they present as well, giving the whole operation an air of truthiness. (I could name some examples, but your be