House of Burgess

The letter didn’t have a return address.
All I could tell from the of the outside of the white envelope was that it was sent from Seattle on April 12 and that my name had been stamped onto a sticker attached to the front with what looked like a dot matrix printer.
As I ripped open the top of the envelope, I found that the only contents was four tri-folded pieces of paper. The words: “MAKE $250,000 IN WEEKS” were printed on the top of the first page. Below that the letter declared that “Oprah Winfrey and ABC’s investigation team 20/20 prove it can be done.”
It only took one more phrase found near the bottom of this page to confirm my suspicions about what it was:
“THIS IS NOT A PYRAMID SCAM!!!”
This is was a pyramid scheme.
You and I have all gotten these countless times over the years I’m sure, but lately I seem to recieve the majority of them in my e-mail inbox from supposedly confused foreigners who want to “intimate you a transaction involving transfer of US$14.5M abroad, in which I would seek your assistance in receiving the funds.” It’s easy to simply send these to the recycling bin, after sharing a good laugh with anyone near of course, because they’re e-mails. How hard is it to send an e-mail? I can do that from my phone. So what?
But this was mailed, and I haven’t gotten one in the mail in years. And as I read on, I found out just how much time and money the sender spent getting it to me.
“Greetings! I am a retired attorney,” stated the first line of the second page of the document. After reading this I checked the back of the letter and saw it had not been signed. I guess this particular lawyer was out sick the day at law school when they covered the importance of writing your name on correspondence.
During the next two paragraphs this nameless legal eagle detailed his transition from skeptic to evangelist three months after first hearing of the scam, I mean money making opportunity when their “income totaled $2,244,179!!!!” (I’m getting the impression that that kind of money can buy you a lot of excess punctuation.)
Before they got to the meat of the argument they waved what should have been, in my opinion, a giant red flag to any recipients who were still on the edge about whether or not to sign up.
“Keep what you are doing to yourself for a while,” they wrote. “Many will tell you it won’t work and will try to talk you out of your dreams. Let them know and see your success after it works.”
Yes, just like every other reputable investment opportunity.
Near the bottom of the page it outlined the simple instructions:
1. Send $1.00 to each of the six names listed and on a sheet of paper enclosed, request that you be added to their mailing list with your name and address.
2. Remove the name in the number one position and move each of the other names up one place (2 becomes 1) (3 becomes 2) etc. Put your name in the sixth position.
3. After completing the above instructions, photocopy at least 200 copies of this letter.
4. Purchase a mailing list of names from one of the recommended companies.
Below this was the name of three such companies: Data Line LLC, Bookworm Benny and First International Publication.
Then it was just as easy as sending it out to the purchased names and addresses and kicking back while the cash and expendable exclamation marks rolled in.
So if the person who sent this to me, who by my calculations was someone in Kent, Wash., followed the directions completely they had spent around $202 getting this to me and the 199 others.
I decided I had to find out how this was working out for them. I realized it wouldn’t be easy as no phone numbers of those who had participated had been provided. Added to that there was that section earlier in the letter about keeping their unbelievable success to themselves.
After dialing directory assistance a half-dozen times I found that four of the six on my list had unlisted numbers. Coming away with only two contacts, I dialed the number of a gentleman in Girard, Ga. who appeared in the number five position on my list.
He answered and we talked for a minute or two. and said he had sent the letter out about 60 days ago. I asked him how much money he had gotten sent back.
“Oh, God not much,” he said. “Probably only about $20. It said sometimes it takes two to three months to do the cycle.”
I’m sure it did.
I wished him luck and hung up. He seemed nice enough and I honestly did feel bad that he was $182 in the red on the deal.
I picked up the phone and called the only other number I was able to find, a man residing in Nanticoke, Pa.
The phone rang thrice before I heard the click of someone picking up.
“Hello?” I said.
Nothing, except slow breathing.
“He-llo?” I said again.
Click.
I re-cradled the receiver and called back. This time it rang five times before an answering machine came on and delivered a brusque message. There was a beep. I hung up.
Oh well, I thought as I refolded the letter. Maybe they were too busy counting their money to talk. With or without exclamation points.