House of Burgess

I don’t have any children (that I know of) yet, but one of my great fears in life is that I will one day be a terrible parent by accident.
I’m sure this happens to many unsuspecting people just like me who start their adult life with the best of intentions and wake up a decade later with their family business spread across the stage of a daytime talk show for all to see.
I really was worried about this happening to me someday until I read an Associated Press story today concerning a phenomenon happening right now in what was already one of my least favorite places in this great country: Nebraska.
“The mother was running out of more than patience when she abandoned her 18-year-old daughter at a hospital over the weekend under Nebraska’s safe-haven law,” stated the first sentence of the story. “She was also running out of time: She knew that state lawmakers would soon meet in a special session to amend the ill-fated law so that it would apply to newborns only.”
That’s right: stellar parents from every corner of this land are flocking to the Cornhusker State to dump their grown broods like they were unwanted Christmas puppies in January.
“To the state's surprise and embarrassment, more than half of the 31 children legally abandoned under the safe-haven law since it took effect in mid-July have been teenagers,” the article stated. “But state officials may have inadvertently made things worse with their hesitant response to the problem: The number of drop-offs has almost tripled to about three a week since Gov. Dave Heineman announced on Oct. 29 that lawmakers would rewrite the law.”
After reading that I’m not worried at all any more about my parenting skills being the worst ever as I’m fairly sure no matter how badly I screw up at being a father, I’ll probably never pull over, tell my kids to check the air pressure in the tires and then hit the gas when they least expect it.
The saddest part of this story (you know, besides the whole thing) is that the law was created for an incredibly noble purpose.
“The safe-haven law was intended to save ‘Dumpster babies’ by allowing desperate young mothers to abandon their newborns at a hospital without fear of prosecution,” stated the article. “But lawmakers could not agree on an age limit, and the law as passed uses only the word ‘child.’”
Ouch. You gotta read that fine print.
While sensible parents everywhere are going about their day stressing over every minor detail of their child’s upbringing, there are people right now driving towards a Nebraska hospital with their hairy, post-pubescent teenagers in tow like they’re going to miss the last sale of the season at J.C. Penney.
To me all this points to is a simple fact that I have known for years: stupid people are breeding at an alarming rate.
“As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point,” goes the first lines of the movie “Idiocracy.” “Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest, reproduced in greater numbers than the rest, a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits. Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. A dumbing down. How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most, and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.”
This is more than just a hunch: I have science on my side.
Demographic studies have indicated that in humans, fertility and intelligence tend to be negatively correlated, that is to say, the more intelligent, as measured by IQ, exhibit a lower total fertility rate than the less intelligent.
This is not good. This calls for action.
Keep in mind, I’m not necessarily advocating for the reckless reproduction of the intelligent, compassionate, critical thinkers among us, but save some sort of zombie uprising or forced population control we may just have to fight fire with fire.
What I would like to see is some sort of governmental program that treats our brightest minds like endangered pandas. I say give these people everything they need to spread their genetics or we’re going lose just based on sheer numbers. (You! Get those scientists a date, quickly! Go-go gadget dating service!)
As for the parents who have already dumped their high school-aged kids in a hospital and split, I really don’t know what advice I can offer at this point. We really didn’t need any more of you running around this world. (Sadly, It’s a little late for birth control at this point.)
Besides, if someone has to be told that this is bad and wrong, there’s really no point is there?