House of Burgess

As I write this I’m less than 36 hours away from boarding a cross-country flight and that can only mean one thing: hours and hours of pouring through the pages of the complimentary Sky Mall Magazine.
If you’ve flown at any point in the last decade you already know what I’m talking about. If, for some reason, you haven’t, Sky Mall is the largest, craziest collection of items that no one needs, but everyone sort of wants.
I generally completely forget about Sky Mall Magazine while I’m still on the ground and there’s a good reason for that: There is no way I would think the products inside were worth the money they’re asking unless I was trapped in a confined space for hours on end.
But even the promise of forced confinement may not be able to save the bottom lines of the producers of these overpriced trinkets this year.
Fifty-three percent of consumers say they expect to spend less on holiday gifts than they did last year, according to an Associated Press-GfK poll released Friday.
So with the economy as terrible as it is right now, I thought I’d give a shout out to some of my favorite Sky Mall offerings that are surely slumping in the sales right about now:
5) Brightfeet Lighted Slippers
In case you’ve grown bored of frightening your pets with the light on the front of the vacuum cleaner, why not treat them to a new brand of lighted horror, the Brightfeet Lighted Slippers?
“Bright Feet Lighted Slippers are slippers with headlights that light your way in the dark,” stated a portion of the product’s description. “It’s like having nightlights on your feet - ideal for night time trips to the bathroom, kitchen or kid's room. Use Bright Feet Lighted Slippers during power outages to locate emergency supplies.”
The slippers look just like you’d expect them to from the description, yet, sadly “colors pink and camouflage are no longer available.”
4) Political Party Door Mat
If normal conversation about politics is too taxing, why not simply lump all those who dare knock on your door into one or two categories before they even step foot in your house?
“Know where they stand when you open the door,” reads the first line of the ominous description.
The mat is split into two sections, with the top of each adorned with either the donkey or elephant to represent the Democrat or Republican who will soon wish he or she darkened a different doorstep.
Below each party symbol are a pair of shoe prints like you’d see on a dance chart, although should be noted that there is no mention of where third party or independent voters are supposed to stand.
3) Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker
Finally, the wait is over. Gone are the days of tear-stained room temperature hot dogs. The good people at Hammacher Schlemmer have finally found a way to combine pre-cooked meat sticks and heat in one 660-watt appliance.
Apparently this item gets sold out a lot because the only two reviews on the Sky Mall Web site mentioned how lucky they felt to finally find one for sale. (Which was kind of hard to understand considering how gross the appliance must look a year into operation.)
The whole setup looks like sort of like a toaster, but with circular holes instead of rectangular ones. (And of course you probably shouldn’t stick pre-packaged meat in an actual toaster.)
On the other hand, I’ve heard microwaves, ovens, grills and open flames work quite well for heating meat and bread items too.
2) Day Clock
I think the thing that amazed me more than the fact that people actually bought an analog wall clock that only marked the days of the week was what those who did decided to be angry with when they received it.
“I am completely thrilled with the idea of this clock - however the picture is VERY misleading,” read a review of the product posted on the Web site Amazon.com. “When we received the clock, there was a large ‘Day Clock’ logo right on the ‘Wednesday/Thursday’ line. It completely ruins the look of the clock, and now it seems that we'll hang up a large advertisement right on our wall.”
Just wait ‘til they hear about wall calendars. I mean, the entire top half of those don’t even have anything to do with what date it is! (It’s products like this that make me question my faith in humanity.)
1) The Slanket
Let’s just drink in the concept of the Slanket for a moment, shall we?
“Here's the best blanket, hands down, for snuggling up with a book or laptop computer,” stated the product description. “Put your arms in the 13”-wide sleeves and then turn pages, type, knit or do anything else with your hands without uncovering your body.”
A blanket with sleeves. I repeat: A blanket. With sleeves.
Before I go any further, I’d just like to point out that the Slanket is the third most popular gift under $50 that Sky Mall offers.
One point the Slanket advertisements really stress is the fact that you’ll save on heating bills when you’re wrapped in your neon monk robe. What they fail to mention is the extra savings you’ll incur when you’re no longer hassled with going on dates or attracting new people. (Nothing says “sexy” like a ginormous swath of shapeless clothing.)